| hongy | 11-05-2010 09:45 PM |
The girl that helped me through all the feelings I had with my family. The girl that I feel made me realize what I needed to do for once in my life. The girl that I love and the girl that loved me back is gone.
I'm a ridiculously huge ass hole. I yelled at her, I didn't trust her, I always said the wrong thing yet she never left. I always got mad at the dumbest things, and I always compared her to someone else. I don't know why it wasn't until the final days before she broke up with me that I realized it all. I called her that night to apologize for everything I've done in the last five and half months to ruin our relationship and how much i love her for being with me the entire time. Instead she said she couldn't handle it anymore, and wanted to break up. A night of no sleep, a night of agonizing pain at what I've done and wishing for my wife to come back to me. The next night we saw each other and talked it out. I told her I know everything that I did is wrong and that I've been trying to change myself and that I'm sorry it took me so long... She then said she never wanted me to change simply because she said she wanted me to, rather I must change because I want to. Finally she told me that somewhere along the lines she just began to love me less and less each day... somewhere along the lines of 2 weeks I messed up.
I would call her my wife in the beginning for fun, but over time I ended up thinking that I really wouldn't mind if she was my wife. I've been told it's "unmanly" to only want a family in the future, a wife two kids, a job, that's all I really want in life and here was the girl I wanted to spend it with. Yes we're in high school and I have yet to experience life to it's fullest but I guess that's just the type of guy I am. In return she began to consider me her husband... and she began to tell me that what she wanted was for me to become her real husband in the future. How she doesn't believe I'm a failure in life, that I've never failed as a son and I've never failed as her husband. That in the future she knows I'll never fail as a father and that she'll be there to pick up all the pieces and put me back together.
"When I call you yesterday I was in my bed just lying there and after I hung up I was supposed to wash the dishes but fell asleep instead. Just woke up and still have a huge headache too. Sorry for not calling.. Mmm I love you so much. Youre the best husband anyone could ever ask for. Yes, I fall asleep too quickly but I like hearing your voice before (or while) I sleep cause I feel like youre beside me. And I don't want you to shower me with gifts cause youre all I want or need. Keep the ring It'll be useful in the future"
I recieved that text on the 16th of October and we broke up on the 30th...
She asked me to wait 2 months... for her to see if she will be able to figure things out... Being the jerk I am I said I didn't want to, I wanted to do things now. In the end she told me if she had to put it in terms of numbers she's 95% no longer having feelings for me, and only 5% of her still likes me. However I asked her what does she want, disregard my feelings, and disregard everything else just simply tell me what do you want. And her answer was she wants us to be together again in the future.
I'm incapable of living without her. Because of her I've raised myself from a failure in school to a high B-A average student. Through her I've been able to control my temper a lot better. Through her I've been able to cut down smoking from 1.5packs to half a pack and since the day I said I will do everything I can to fix myself to be a better boyfriend I've smoked 0. She said the reason she regained feelings for me after 2 years was because I'm persistant in acheiving what I want, and that she is counting on my persistancy to be able to somehow win her back... It's a small chance of me getting her back and everyday it feels like it jumps from high to low. I have to change myself first before I can attempt to get her back. I originally wanted to get her back before my grad photos but really I've gotten rid of a deadline. All I want is my wife back and it doesn't matter how long it'll take me I'll just have to keep trying. Everyone was right about me, I have no life besides her and I'll regret it if I don't change and stop thinking she'll never leave me. Now I have. I know I'm an idiot but really it doesn't matter, I have a goal for the first time in 5 years. I'll do anything to achieve it.
Before I was able to answer why I love her but now I can't, it's illogical to love someone especially since I haven't really explained everything but I just do. | 