| Jsunu | 04-08-2011 01:20 PM |
Forgiveness,
Its an word full of meaning but I slowly realize that I did not truly began to contemplate the gravity of the act of forgiving someone until recently.
It all began with a trip to Vegas with a girl. A girl I really liked and at the time I thought she liked me. We were getting pretty close at this point and it seemed like things were finally taking off for me after the years of mistakes and failures.
But then came the day of the trip, something was different. It was although there was suddenly a dark gulf between her and I that wasn't there just a scant few days ago. Subtle at first, I began to notice that she both physically and emotionally distanced herself from me as the trip went on. We carried on normally enough, but it was not the trip that should've brought us together, even though it was her idea in the first place.
And so the days carried on, with her seemly holding this guilt that simply shouldn't be there when you are on vacation.
It wasn't till the last day of the trip, when we were leaving for the airport, that she finally reveiled why she was feeling this way. 2 Days prior, her ex-bf (the same bf that has caused a lot of pain in the past) suddenly contacted her and they had gotten back together. That is why she had acted guilty up to this point.
If only she had told me at the start of the trip, if only she had just let me go instead of holding me on a string until her ex beckened her back. I was pissed! but I kept it civil and didn't really interacted with her at all till we got home.
And then the resentment grew. I began to tell myself how this was yet another example of how people screw ME over and how THEY are at fault for their wicked deeds and how i was once again used. It was as if a dark sheet was pull over my eyes and I saw the world in this cynical light once more and days went past with this tainted worldview.
But one day it happened, I began to see my actions in all this mess. How I permitted myself to be "friendzoned" and how my lack of confidence has prevented me from getting anywhere with this individual. If the same things keep happening to me with different people, is it really their fault or was it in actuality mine? As I delved deeper into introspection and learned more and more how my own actions has been my own undoing.
At some point I began to intropect on my own growing resentment towards her. Was it really worth holding on to this bile and hate in my heart? Does this help me become a better person in the long run?
It was then I came to realize that in fact this anger was slowly eating away at my soul and the years of friendship I had with her. I knew then I rather have acceptance and love rather than hate now more than ever.
Out of the blue she had text me explaining everything, saying sorry for what she had done and understood if I did not want to continue to be friends.
I simply replied: "I forgive you" | 