| notenoughasian | 11-01-2015 05:56 PM |
I truly am thankful for everyone who has read and given their thoughts on my topic, this thread is one that has helped me understand a lot more to do with not just love, but life as a whole. We usually can't talk heart to heart but when it's on this board, I feel like you can share anything without being judged (except for inhumane shit, then you must be batshit crazy) I know that I am not alone, it's just the way we perceive things differently and how we react to the situation that enlightens me to change my thinking and build a stronger case for the future.
Being a hopeless romantic is a double-edged sword, people come to you for advice but you never follow the words you have given. I don't fall in love easy but when I do, I fall hard and being a cancer doesn't help the situation (sorry been reading into more astrology and elite daily to critically think more). Talking to countless others about their past and current relationships has helped me build a repertoire of understanding relationships and how to hold it together. This is why I can understand where everyone's advice, the reactions are different but the idea is the same. Is it wrong to like doing cheesy things? Is it bad that I express myself and my emotions openly? I think naught. It just shows how open minded you can be and expressing oneself there's no need to hide behind walls, it shows maturity. Of course understanding the situation is one thing, putting those words into context and acting them out are another. As a young adult I feel like we all have much to learn about the world around us, but why can't we have a similar mind set?
When I took a break from you, I thought more deeply about myself and reconstructed my life. I stopped drinking as heavily and my wallet has thanked me for that, but the feeling of missing something you can't have still hurts. Alcohol was my way of numbing the pain, succumbing to the dark side of emotions that could be blocked by a simple shot or two, maybe fifteen. I guess it was time to take a step forward and leave the darkness, you helped me do that but without you here I'm stumbling over my own two feet, but I'm crawling towards the light. I began looking deeper into you, what's funny is I knew a lot more about you than you really thought you had revealed to me. I understood and could empathize with your past, your pain, your struggles, but when you broke down that layer you wouldn't let me in any further. When you expose yourself, even for a little bit, it's a big step in your eyes. I knew where you were coming from, I could see inside of you who you really are but I can't be the one to expose you. You would have to expose yourself to me, I know it would take time, patience is a virtue. You were too scared to let me in, thinking I would judge you for who you really are but you wanted someone to tell, you just couldn't trust me enough. You knew I thought critically, that's why you avoided me because of the walls you had put up. Being jaded to perceive every male as the same is arrogant, but I knew where you were coming from, I knew the boundaries you put up and respected them. The reason? Because I wanted to break them down with you together. Doing things by yourself can be terrifying, but when you have someone beside you, someone who you can trust everything seems just a bit easier. Everyone has a mask they put on in public, it's there to hide themselves, their true nature. In a world where no one hid behind a second skin, there would be less pain. To empathize is to understand someone, to know what it's like and to help guide them in the right direction, whether or not you hurt the person but I digress.
Now back to the topic at hand:
Ah halloween, the one night women can dress up and not be judged for what they do as if their sins commited that night are washed away. For a person who no longer works in the nightlife industry, I always seem to be drawn back. I guess, no wait, I know that clubs are where lost souls go to linger and that's probably why I go back time and time again. To be brutally honest, I knew what to expect that night but my heart said otherwise. Last night I went house party hopping to calm my nerves before the storm, it's been a few weeks since I've talked to you, just dead silence. I knew you were at an event so that eased my mind as a couple friends and I go down to the strip for some fun, but I knew in the back of my mind that you wouldn't want to end your night there. Just as I knew you would, you show up after the event where I am at and we exchange awkward hugs. You asked if you could get a friend in, I knew I could but why should I? Out of courtesy when I knew you were with another guy tonight? Of course I am spiteful but it's halloween, the night where mistakes always happen. Just my luck that it happens to be my mistake for going out as I party it up with my friends with a water bottle, this time I was DD. I've partied way too hard and way too often in the previous years and want to give back, staying sober is the best option. I like to take care of friends whether it's to help them cope with their problems or just a ride home, I'm the kind of guy you call at four in the morning, still up, and down for late night pho but I digress. As my friends and I party it up on the dance floor, I bump into a costumed super hero who was aggressively making out with one chick. Why is it my life always ends up like a horrible romantic movie without the Hollywood ending? As he turns around and looks at me angrily, I say sorry and glance at the girl, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know who it is. You look at me with a half drunk half horrified expression but I just smile and give you a thumbs up, why should I ruin your night of fun? It's halloween. You leave in a hurried fashion and I laugh it off, knowing deep inside I'm hurt but I know you're having fun, that's all the matters to me. People say to take of yourself first before you love somebody but I like being selfless, it gives me the selfish satisfaction knowing that someone who's having a rough day brightened up after a small gesture. Those are the things I'm proud in life, the little things that no one notices, you don't have to be in the lime light to receive praise, knowing you've helped improve someone else is the most rewarding feeling. As the night winds down, my feelings haven't changed for you even though I've been scarred, beaten, and emotionally tortured myself. I know for a fact it's a ONS and that doesn't bother me, it would have if we were seeing or dating each other, but why does it still hurt? Because I still have feelings for you, I know it'll take some time to let go, maybe things will pick up where we left off but I know that where ever life takes you, it'll be with a smile on your face. This goes for everyone, when life bully's you, throws shit at you, and you feel insignificant, Push back harder than before and smile through it all. You'll never know unless you try. |
