Speak it Out

[Traum]

Care to share more about what your parents' resistance about the girl is? and how you get negatively affected by it?

From my experience, the (mentally) mature girls are very decisive and pragmatic on relationship matters. When they are into someone, they will give everything they've got to the relationshp. But when they are over it, they are really over it. This is esp true for women over 30 who have had a normal amount of dating experience for the age. They are done and over with all the romantic fantasy BS, so they don't waste time.

FWIW, I disagree with your girl's suggestion that someone in their early 30's is already set in their ways. While that is generally true, there is still a good amount of malleability in our character that would allow us to learn, change and mature. It does get harder to changes our ways as we grow older, but we can certainly come to realizations on our own and change, or we can be affected by (dramatic) external circumstances and learn from it the painful way. Usually, the more painful a relationship ended, the more likely it will change us, even as we get older.

I didn't get married until my mid 30's, and I'd say that every single one of my relationships up until I tied the knot have changed and shaped me in one way or another, generally for the better. Even now, we continue to grow. And in some cases, I'd unfortunately have to say that a small portion in my social circles have been changing in the wrong direction.

[bcrdukes]

yeah, Traum. stop hanging out with car people, especially these track day weirdos

Re: parents

I love my parents and I'm grateful for everything they've given me, but man, fucking Vancouver Asian parents are the worst of the worst! They need to let their kids do their own thing and figure life for themselves. What is this? 1825? is the expectation for the son to still live at home and the daughter in law becomes a slave to the house? No! Get the hell out of here with this nonsense!

While I don't love living in Toronto, I am happier being away from my parents. I think if anything, it's improved our relationship. It's easy for strangers on a car forum to tell you taht you need to live your own life, but sometimes, you also have to put on your big boy pants, man up and take charge and just do your thing. parents are gonna be parents, and I'm going out on a limb but if you are Asian, your mom is going to hold on to you for as long as she can until she realizes, oh shit, my son is a man now. until then, she's going to make your life miserable, whether she knows it or not. For my mom, it was a blindspot for her and she feels bad for the misery she put me and my wife through.

as for all of you parents on RS..screw you mom dad!

[GS8]

Originally Posted by haha13

Last week I broke up with a girl I really saw a future with. She was mature, smart, independent. Although her timeline was short (wanted to get married within 2 years), I had convinced myself that I could follow that timeline. She is 34 so her biological clock is ticking.

The problem was my parents resistance and I get negatively affected by it. My mom is buddhist and I overshared with her and I didn't show my commitment (we were going to go meet her parents in June and I still haven't book the flights).

I also gave up a few times in the relationship as I am a conflict avoidant person. She said "It feels like I'm flying a kite. Every time I let go, you disappear. It feels like you don't want me and if I feel unwanted, how can I believe you will fight for us against your parents resistance". I kept saying I will set boundaries with my parents and do therapy but I didn't follow through and ultimately she lost trust me in and decided to end it. She said you're already 32 and people are already set in in their ways. The only way you will change is if you move to a different province or state far from your parents.

She said she loves me but I left her with no choice. The thing that took me back is that she is already back on the dating apps. I guess she really is fixated on her timeline.

What was the conflict between her and your parents. Was it that she wanted to be married in 2 years? Was it just overall incompatibility? If you're in the middle of your parents and her, would you say your parents had more influence over you?

So you stated your flaws here but surely she must have some too? Sounds like she didn't grieve much and jumped back onto apps. To me it sounds like she tolerated some of your conflict avoidance but reached her limits.

To me this story sounds like a confident woman getting fed up with a non-confident man. Woman don't like that and usually want the man to be their pillar and their pillow. I don't doubt she loved you and wanted to be with you but I think each moment of resistance you summoned slowly unraveled the string that was holding you together.

I would just take this a lesson learned. It obviously sucks but these are the lessons that make us our strongest selves, inside and out. You can right your wrongs and impress the next woman who comes into your life. Show her your intentions and confidence from the get-go. More importantly, ENFORCE those 2 things so that she knows you're consistent and therefore are honest and reliable and trustworthy.

And tell your parents to fuck off. Not literally but don't let them influence everything in your life. Just because they conceived you, doesn't mean you have an indebted contract to them.

Hell, my brother got so fed up of my parents, he moved to Chilliwack. Then got diabetes as a result of years of snowballing cause & effect events. The one upside is that he's first in line for Ozempic

Go out there and find your happiness and share that with the next lucky gal.

[6793026]

Good yet tough post.

I do think she called you out a few things which you need to self reflect. If one is always going to under your parent's wings, then you'll never escape. Fight or flight, conflict avoidance... etc. If you were in your mid 20s sure, tell her to kick rocks. Being 30s, gotta be the man and stand strong on what you truly love.

Heck, I might even think she'll be the one that got away when you look back 10 years from now. Mature, smart, independent...where do you get these 3 in a package nowadays. Getting married in two years is actually pretty fair.

My X definitely went on dating apps as well when we broke up and I had the same feelings as you. I realized a) I'm looking at a mirror as I was also on a dating app. b) we are always looking for something better, thinking something out there is better.
The result is that there is none. It's really to deal with your own shit first.

[underscore]

Originally Posted by Traum

While that is generally true, there is still a good amount of malleability in our character that would allow us to learn, change and mature. It does get harder to changes our ways as we grow older, but we can certainly come to realizations on our own and change, or we can be affected by (dramatic) external circumstances and learn from it the painful way. Usually, the more painful a relationship ended, the more likely it will change us, even as we get older.

I wouldn't expect someone to spend years in a relationship on the hope that someone will change though. Usually it needs something big like a breakup for it to happen.

[haha13]

Thanks for all the responses. Been trying to cope with the breakup and focusing on my mental well being.

Care to share more about what your parents' resistance about the girl is? and how you get negatively affected by it?

The resistance were:
1. She's older than me(32)
2. The fast timeline
3. She has a stronger personality compared to me (however I feel opposites attract and she was always respectful of my thoughts)
4. Her parents are in China, so can't help if we start a family

This happened at the very beginning of the relationship because I wanted my parents acceptance due to a previous relationship that failed due to my parents disapproval(yes this is a pattern). They reluctantly accepted and said to get to know her better. During that time I ghosted her for a week and told her that there was family resistance but I told her that I was going to set boundaries with my parents.

As we got to know each other better, I admired her maturity and pragmatism. I don't have much dating experience or any arguments in past relationships so when we had arguments I thought the relationship was over and would give up. She would tell me there are always problems in any relationship and she can't help me if I give up already.

A big point of contention was the timeline, in the beginning, we agreed we're both older and 2 years to marry however later when we discussed marriage, her idea was from the time that we first met (sept 2024) while mine was when we are official (jan 2025). Even then she wanted to get married end of this year/ early next year which is still <2 years. Her rationale was that you get to know someone's fundamentals/ red flags within 3 months and then the rest of the time is learning to compromise with living together/travelling etc. I guess I convinced myself with the timeline because I really like her and see a future with her.

But the straw that broke the camels back, I told my mom that I was planning to go with her to China to see her parents this summer. My mom is really religious and did fortune telling and the fortune said I would die in my 50s if I stayed with her. I am a scientific and logical person but the way she pleaded with me so emotionally and the fact that I am easily swayed by other people seeded doubts in my mind if this could possibly be true. I became extremely stressed and in that moment I couldn't control my thoughts so I decided to tell her to get it off my chest. She said its fine for you to come to me to vent out and release stress but in the end I never give her any reassurance or any confidence in the relationship.

I feel like my lack of maturity given my limited dating experience made me incompatible with her? Although she said shes only been in a short term relationship before.

So you stated your flaws here but surely she must have some too? Sounds like she didn't grieve much and jumped back onto apps. To me it sounds like she tolerated some of your conflict avoidance but reached her limits.

Yeah she has her flaws too. She said she is a hopeless romantic and has an idealistic outlook on love so she overreacts when it doesn't live up to those expectations. For Valentines day, I took her to a fancy restaurant, got her flowers and a card but she got me a gift and was expecting a gift in return. I had thought what I did was enough but I guess it wasn't enough from her perspective so she got upset with me.

I know she's grieving too, I looked her social(Yes I shouldn't do that to recover from this breakup) but I feel like she has alot of pressure from her family to get married so she has to start looking asap.

Heck, I might even think she'll be the one that got away when you look back 10 years from now. Mature, smart, independent...where do you get these 3 in a package nowadays. Getting married in two years is actually pretty fair.

Yeah I feel like I will have this regret but i'm trying to thinking positively and chalking up this as a learning experience and growing on myself to really set boundaries and standing strong for my loved one.

[RevYouUp]

That’s pretty brutal, having your parents control who you should and should not date at 30+

[6793026]

thanks for sharing haha13 - good to see you're processing this and seeing her shit and also recognizing your shit.

I'm jaded but yes, there will always be chicks with family pressure asking her to marry asap - this is the point where I stand up and yell at them saying "why don't you stand up to YOUR parents" LOL.

You also got some family standing up to do.
V day is always an issue - you can never go wrong with having backup of a back up esp having a gift... yeah it's crap but heck, gotta cover all bases (read the "5 love language book").

I'm sure you'll jump back into the sac in no time.

[bcrdukes]

I have to ask: Does she want your Canadian passport?

[Traum]

Back in my dating days -- this is easily 15 - 20 years ago (gosh... ) -- Mainland Chinese girls had the unspoken cultural custom of girls getting married in their 20's. Typically, the parents would start laying on the pressure after the girl turns 25 -- gently at first, and progressively getting worse as the girl gets closer to 30. In my time, I've dated / known a few Mainland Chinese girls where even though they mostly grew up here since high school / post secondary, they still showed varying degrees of this sensitivity to parental pressure to get married. In fact, I knew at least one girl where she didn't really love her husband, but she married him anyway just so that her parents would find peace / take comfort in knowing that she is now married.

My MIL, who was from Hong Kong, actually tried to lay the pressure on me to propose to my then-gf as well. But I mostly either just ignored her, or joked about it because I never believed she should have any say or influence on me and my then-gf's relationship, or our timeline on things.

I am a scientific and logical person but the way she pleaded with me so emotionally and the fact that I am easily swayed by other people seeded doubts in my mind if this could possibly be true. I became extremely stressed

Your incident here reminded me of the time when le wifey first gave birth to our newborn, and was going through a really tough round of baby blues / breast feeding difficulties / sleep deprivation and general postpartum stress. At the time, the MIL was chiming in a lot, usually in some form of unsolicited advice and typical Cantonese criticism. I had to step in to cut her off because what she was doing was adding even more stress for le wifey. In haha13's case, I would also encourage you to stick to your guns and set your boundaries with your parents if they are going to be irrational about anything.

[6793026]

Originally Posted by Traum

Back in my dating days -- this is easily 15 - 20 years ago (gosh... ) -- Mainland Chinese girls had the unspoken cultural custom of girls getting married in their 20's. Typically, the parents would start laying on the pressure after the girl turns 25 -- gently at first, and progressively getting worse as the girl gets closer to 30.

I had to step in to cut her off because what she was doing was adding even more stress for le wifey. In haha13's case, I would also encourage you to stick to your guns and set your boundaries with your parents if they are going to be irrational about anything.

In that time frame of china girls - we are seeing a few divorced now due to marrying too young. Heck, even my HK cousin is going thru this.

My baby will come June - i was told via experienced others to ONLY deal with your mothers via your mouth. If you have shit to talk about MIL, then let that be your wife's job.

Relationsihp will be tarnish with inlaws, but mother / father daughter / son relationship will never have grudges.

[Traum]

I generally agree with the principle of each of us only dealing with our parents, and leave the inlaw matters to the respective partner to handle. In my newborn / postpartum wife's case, however, I had to step in just that one time. Le wifey was really already too stressed out at that point to fend off the MIL herself, and I was quite worried she'd have a mental breakdown if the MIl continues to lay on her about how she is doing it all wrong.

I know the MIL means well, and her behaviour is the typical Cantonese old gen style where they only know how to criticize others. (Plus some of the child rearing things she suggested was just outdated and plain wrong now.) Le wifey is used to all that under normal circumstances, and I wouldn't have to worry. But at a time like that, the delivery is just all wrong and completely unsuitable for the situation.