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Why are black people so fast? Spoiler! |
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Why are black people so black? Spoiler! Why did the chicken cross the road? Spoiler! |
^LOL so dumb its funny +1 would read again |
Why should you date an ethiopian woman? Spoiler! |
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How are a grape and an elephant similar? Spoiler! ----------------- What's green and smells like red paint? Spoiler! |
Why is Mexico so bad at sports? Spoiler! |
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How did the black girl know her mother was on the rag? Spoiler! Why are aspirins white? Spoiler! Whats long smells and smells like rabbit shit? Spoiler! Yo mama is so black she went to night school and got marked absent. |
Why do women buy watches when there’s a clock on the oven? |
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You mean, Special Olympics. |
Wife was helping her husband set up a password for his computer, so the husband types MYPENIS - the wife fell off her chair laughing when computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED: NOT LONG ENOUGH |
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One day, Johnny went to a gun shop to purchase a gun. J(ohnny):I want a pistol S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols) J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this, S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose? J: For shooting cans. S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one. J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one. S: And what cans will you shoot at? J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans... -------------------------------------------------------------- A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" |
whiteboards are remarkable |
me and my friend were fighting over which is the best vowel. I won. |
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. -------------------------------------------- An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common. ----------------------------------------------------------- What did the egg say to the hot water? Its gonna take a while for me to get hard cause I just got laid by that chick. |
What do you call a big group of brown people running in a circle? Spoiler! |
MALE PHILOSOPHY After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin - they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Women inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. The great question... which I have not been able to answer is "What does a woman want? I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it and 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to... My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. A man inserted a 'wife wanted' ad in the classifieds. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, " Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel; this is the promised land." Now BUSH has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land! I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck... FIXED :) |
Why do Jews have such big noses? Spoiler! |
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