REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

akalic · 06-04-2010, 11:42 AM

As a plane is losing power, a Pilot comes over the intercom and says:
"Sorry it had to come down to this folks, but we've already let the luggage go and the plane continues to lose speed." "I hate to have to do this, but we're going to have to start releasing some passengers."
*GASPS
Captain: "It only seems fair that we do this in alphabetical order so we'll start with the letter "A."" "Are there any Africans on the plane?"
*SILENCE
"Any Africans???"
*SILENCE
"OK, B." "Are there any Blacks on the Plane?" "Any Black people?"
Nobody responds.
"OK People, we're on C." "Are there any colored people on the plane?
Silence again, but a small child leans over to his mom and says: "Momma, aren't we African American, Black, and Colored?"
His mom turns to him and says: "TODAY honey, we are Niggers, let them Mexicans go first!"
So the little black kid turns to the Mexican kid sitting next to him and laughs... But the Mexican kid just laughs back and says: "I'm a Wetback, get ready to jump Nigger!"

Sandman · 06-04-2010, 11:56 AM

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.

Sandman · 06-04-2010, 12:09 PM

There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"

murd0c · 06-07-2010, 09:43 PM

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

Mizter · 06-08-2010, 01:38 PM

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.” Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”

slammer111 · 06-08-2010, 09:11 PM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded,

"You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

yamahar6 · 06-08-2010, 11:49 PM

wow never knew Rs was so emotional when it came to racist jokes

murd0c · 06-09-2010, 07:07 PM

Posted in NWS but man this is a good one!!

reason why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……. “
__________________

shenmecar · 06-09-2010, 07:27 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

Mizter · 06-09-2010, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yamahar6

wow never knew Rs was so emotional when it came to racist jokes

We're not emotional about racist jokes, its just that your joke sucked and has probably been posted 2 or 3 times already.

MG1 · 06-09-2010, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizter

We're not emotional about racist jokes, its just that your joke sucked and has probably been posted 2 or 3 times already.

Damn......... I missed it. That bad, huh?

hchang · 06-09-2010, 09:21 PM

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

-------------------------------------------------------

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

---------------------------------------------------------------

k2_alpha · 06-09-2010, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hchang

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

---------------------------------------------------------------

i knew the ending was going to be something retarded like that
but i was thinking that it was doctor giving a man a prostate check

Gumby · 06-09-2010, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 89blkcivic

Damn......... I missed it. That bad, huh?

It was basically:

Q. What's faster than a black guy stealing your TV?
A. His brother stealing your VCR.

Quite the letdown.

n1smo · 06-09-2010, 11:40 PM

when im sad i cut myself

........another slice of cake!

Greenstoner · 06-10-2010, 11:47 AM

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same
ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." The female whale agreed, so they tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore! The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Quick! Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they get to the shore!" At this point, he realized the female whale was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Greenstoner · 06-10-2010, 11:51 AM

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

gdoh · 06-10-2010, 11:58 AM

Little Johnny went to school one day and was sitting in class when the
teacher asked, "Who can use the word contagious in a sentence?"

So little Johnny's arm shot up and he wanted to answer the question
really badly but the teacher, unsure of the response, asked little Maggie.
Little Maggie quickly stood up and said "My sister has a cold and it's
contagious" to which the teacher responded "Good answer!"

Then the teacher asked again "Can anyone use the word contagious in a
sentence?" Again little Johnny's arm shot up and again the teacher
overlooked Johnny and opted for another student, Mark.

Mark quickly stood up and said "If you have the measles you are
contagious" "Very good!" was the response from the teacher.

So the teacher feeling bad for overlooking little Johnny said "Go ahead
little Johnny if you can use the word contagious in a sentence we would
all like to hear it."

So little Johnny stood up and said "Well me and my dad were out on the
porch one day and my mom was mowing the lawn. After 5 minutes of mowing
the lawn my mom came and sat down and had a beer, and my dad said "Go mow
the lawn!" So my mom she went and mowed the lawn. After another 5
minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came back and sat down and had another
beer, so my dad said "Go mow the lawn!" So my mom she went to mow the
lawn again. My dad turned to me and said "Son it's going to take that
cunt ages to mow the lawn!"

Greenstoner · 06-10-2010, 12:55 PM

^what ? i dont really get it

joquio · 06-10-2010, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gdoh

Little Johnny went to school one day and was sitting in class when the
teacher asked, "Who can use the word contagious in a sentence?"

So little Johnny's arm shot up and he wanted to answer the question
really badly but the teacher, unsure of the response, asked little Maggie.
Little Maggie quickly stood up and said "My sister has a cold and it's
contagious" to which the teacher responded "Good answer!"

Then the teacher asked again "Can anyone use the word contagious in a
sentence?" Again little Johnny's arm shot up and again the teacher
overlooked Johnny and opted for another student, Mark.

Mark quickly stood up and said "If you have the measles you are
contagious" "Very good!" was the response from the teacher.

So the teacher feeling bad for overlooking little Johnny said "Go ahead
little Johnny if you can use the word contagious in a sentence we would
all like to hear it."

So little Johnny stood up and said "Well me and my dad were out on the
porch one day and my mom was mowing the lawn. After 5 minutes of mowing
the lawn my mom came and sat down and had a beer, and my dad said "Go mow
the lawn!" So my mom she went and mowed the lawn. After another 5
minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came back and sat down and had another
beer, so my dad said "Go mow the lawn!" So my mom she went to mow the
lawn again. My dad turned to me and said "Son it's going to take that
cunt ages to mow the lawn!"

There

Valour · 06-10-2010, 04:22 PM

Not really a joke... :

Teacher: So y = r cubed over 3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
The class laughs except for Bart who appears confused.
Teacher: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r squared dr over 3, or r squared dr, or r dr r

Zyzz · 06-10-2010, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valour

Not really a joke... :

Teacher: So y = r cubed over 3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
The class laughs except for Bart who appears confused.
Teacher: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r squared dr over 3, or r squared dr, or r dr r

the fuck?

y(r) = (r^3)(1/3)
dy/dr = r^2

404 funny not found

MG1 · 06-11-2010, 03:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vsvs

404 funny not found

r dr r

7seven · 06-11-2010, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vsvs

the fuck?

y(r) = (r^3)(1/3)
dy/dr = r^2

404 funny not found

OTG-ZR2 · 06-16-2010, 11:48 AM

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”