Joke Thread

[Kim Jong Un]

A woman went to jamaica for spring break. She met this ripped dreadlocked guy named Snow. They talked and ended up fucking. She enjoyed herself so much and when she was about to leave, she told the guy "my husband won't believe it when I tell him I had 10inches of snow in jamaica every day."

[Oleophobic]

Why did snoop dogg use an umbrella?

fo' drizzle

[saychun]

why do you not shower when a pokemon is around?

because it will pikachu

[punkwax]

Cletus woke up energized one morning and got ready to go to work.

On his way out the door his mom said to him, "Cletus, you look awful! Are you feeling okay!?"

"Why yes, ma, I feels fine. In fact, I feels great today!" and Cletus proceeded to work.

Half way there, the mailman noticed Cletus and stopped him to say hello. He looked Cletus up and down and said, "Cletus! You do not look well at all. I hope you're going to see a doctor!"

Cletus, now perplexed, explained to the mailman, "You know, my ma said the very same thing, but I feels great! In fact, I've never felt better!" and he continued on to work.

As soon as he walked in the door, a coworker looked at Cletus and said, "Cletus! You looks terrible! I don't want to catch anything, you had better go see a doctor!"

Cletus, getting a little frustrated now, said, "Look, I feels great! I don't think anyone could ever say they felt better, but everyone is saying I look awful! I guess I'll go see a doctor..." and with that he left.

The minute Cletus walked through the door at the doctor's office, the receptionist looked startled at him and said, "Oh my Cletus! You look terrible! I'll get you in right away!"

Cletus sat down with the doctor and started to explain to him, "Doc, I woke up today and I feels great! In fact I feels absolutely incredible! I've never felt better! But everyone is telling me how I look terrible! I just don't gets it!"

"Well, you do look pretty awful Cletus, let me see what this might be," as the doctor started flipping through one of his many books. He started to mumble to himself, "looks great, feels awful... no. Looks awful, feels awful... no. Feels great, looks great... that can't be it..."

Finally the doctor looked up at Cletus as he read the book, "Feels great, feels incredible really, but looks terrible or awful... well Cletus, says here, you're a vagina!"
Posted via RS Mobile

[Nisota Skypra]

The school teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'


Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the teacher said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'teacher, I think it's your feet.'


The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[Not really racist!]

^ BWAHAHAHAHA

[stewie]

why are you reading this? the real joke is in your pants

[MWR34]

-------------------------------
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

--------------------------------------------

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really
mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)

We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)

We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

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If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

Men's last name never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.


-------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

---------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

-----------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

------------------------------------------------

Dave Barry's 50 Years of Experience
Men, Manners... Right. These Great One Line Jokes are fast and funny. You might really enjoy the Random One-Liners where you get a new one liner joke time after time.

1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3. It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.

5. One does well to separate one's career from one's life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.

7. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.

8. The most devastating force in the world is gossip.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant.

10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person, who is nice to you, but mean to the stranger, is not a nice person.

12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


George Carlin Quotes
Humor Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

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[boatcaptain]

Why do little girls carry a fish inn each pocket?

So they can smell like big girls!

[Brianrietta]

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Spoiler!

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

[slammer111]

Little Johnny is in math class and the teacher asks a question:
“If there are five birds sitting on a fence and the farmer comes out with a gun and shoots one, how many birds will there be left on the fence?”
Little Johnny puts up his hands to answer the questions.
“Miss, there will be none left, they will all fly away when they hear the gun shot”

The teacher says “No Johnny, There will be four left, but I like the way you think”.

So little Johnny asks the Teacher a question.

“There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is biting, the other is licking, and the third is shoving it down her throat, which one is the married one?”

The teacher answers “I don’t know, the one shoving the whole lot down her throat?”

To which little Johnny replies “no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!”

***

It's the end of the school year, the teacher has written her reports, and there's really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because it's Friday afternoon and not much is happening. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever- that answer's mine . . ." The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago . . .'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".

Johnny was mad.

The teacher asked, "Who said, `I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".

Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".

Johnny was fuming. Suddenly Johnny shouted from the back of the class, "I wish these stupid bitches would keep their traps shut". The teacher turns around. "Okay, who said that?"

Johnny answered, "BILL CLINTON, SEE YOU NEXT YEAR."

[yamahar6]

Today, some girl told me I was insensitive and should see things from a women's point of view.....





So I looked out the kitchen window

[woob]

A woman who was always fighting with her husband decides to visit a Marriage Counselor.

Marriage Counselor: "What seems to be the Problem?"

Woman: "I don't know what to do. When my husband comes home from having drinks with the guys, he picks a fight with me."

Marriage Counselor: "I have a real good solution for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later she returns to the Marriage Counselor, and is fresh and relaxed.

Woman: "That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came in from an evening with his buddies, I gargled with chamomile tea and nothing happened."

Marriage Counselor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

[MG1]

Bath Night

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!

[MG1]

THRIFT

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

[hotjoint]

A guy goes up to a genie. Genie says "you get one wish, whatever you want". The guy says "I want to live forever". The genie says "Sorry, I can't do that for you". The guy then says "Ok, well I wanna die when the canucks win the cup". The genie answers "you crafty bastard"

[Greenstoner]

Originally Posted by hotjoint

A guy goes up to a genie. Genie says "you get one wish, whatever you want". The guy says "I want to live forever". The genie says "Sorry, I can't do that for you". The guy then says "Ok, well I wanna die when the Leafs win the cup". The genie answers "you crafty bastard"

Fixed.

[hotjoint]

Originally Posted by Greenstoner

Fixed.

haha yeah you could insert your favorite shitty team in there lol

[insomniac]

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened,and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
---------------------------------------------------------
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dogs...
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted Son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

[Fappin]

Why do Russians love pho so much?

Because they're Soviet ;]
________
VAPORIZER INSTRUCTIONS

[wendal]

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."

"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.

Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

[LiquidTurbo]

Holocaust jokes aren't funny.

Spoiler!

Anne Frankly I'm sick of them.

[woob]

Originally Posted by LiquidTurbo

Holocaust jokes aren't funny.

Spoiler!

Anne Frankly I'm sick of them.

Spoiler!

I did Nazi that one coming.

[LiquidTurbo]

^

[insomniac]

girls: they stare at their closets full of clothes and still dont know what to wear.