Joke Thread

[hchang]

A guy was about to head to a Halloween Costume party, and had procrastinated till the last minute to find a costume.

After being told by every single store that all of the costumes have been rented out, he rifles through his house looking for a costume, or anything that he could put together to resemble a costume.

After going through everything in his closet, he came up with a genius idea and went to the party in nothing but a pair of pants.

The party host answers the door and asks the guy what he's supposed to be.

He replies "I'm a premature ejaculation"

Puzzled, the host asks him to explain.

He replies "I just came in my pants"

[Mizter]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

[LiquidTurbo]

Indian Student


It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named "Chandrasekhar Subramanian"entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History...Who said "Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!"
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper:
"Fuck the Indians"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.

[The_AK]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?








So they could stand closer to the sink

[LiquidTurbo]

Why do Iraqi women not sleep with American soldiers?

Spoiler!

Because they always talk about pulling out but never do

[Boinky]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.



The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."





"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Berzerker]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Berz out.

[LexiSauce]

Originally Posted by MWR34

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

i dont get it
only askin because my birthday is july 15th

[slammer111]

^ Dood, it's because your birthday will be 15 July 2010, then 15 July 2011, then 15 July 2012.. therefore July 15 for every year.

[Oleophobic]

A guy died and went to hell. There he met the devil and the devil said, "you have been a bad person when you were alive, I'm gonna have you choose an activity behind these three doors and you have to do it for eternity." The guy agreed.

The devil opened door #1, and there was a young man tied up on a table being burned by fire. The guy told the devil, "I don't want to do that."

The devil said okay and opened door #2, and there was a middle age man tied up to the wall and being whipped. The guy told the devil," I don't want to do this either."

The devil said okay and opened the third and final door. In there was an old man being tied to a chair with a blonde giving him head. The guy told the devil,"yeah, I want this one.''

The devil nodded, looked at the blonde and said, "Blondie you can go now I found your replacement."

[MWR34]

Originally Posted by LexiSauce

i dont get it
only askin because my birthday is july 15th

they are expected to answer what year u were born like 1980, but instead they said their birthday is every year on the same day.

Originally Posted by MWR34 View Post
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year(1980) .

[Gumby]

Originally Posted by slammer111

^ Dood, it's because your birthday will be 15 July 2010, then 15 July 2011, then 15 July 2012.. therefore July 15 for every year.

The original question should be changed from "what is your date of birth" to "when's your birthday" instead...

[chinesespareribs]

DIVORCE versus MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained,
“Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law? I’ll lose my licence!
They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription

[AzNightmare]

Originally Posted by Gumby

The original question should be changed from "what is your date of birth" to "when's your birthday" instead...

yeah, because generally, "date" refers to month/day/year

[LexiSauce]

Originally Posted by slammer111

^ Dood, it's because your birthday will be 15 July 2010, then 15 July 2011, then 15 July 2012.. therefore July 15 for every year.

lmao oh i thought it was some engineering terminology joke since he was posting a few engeineering jokes..
freakin qq

[punkwax]

Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

[fliptuner]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[Berzerker]

How can tell you tell if I black guy is well hung?

Spoiler!

You can't put a finger between the rope and his neck

Berz out.

[OTG-ZR2]

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: 'Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' alright.'

Indian: ( Look of shock )

Cowboy:'Is this Indian your owner?' ( Pointing at the Indian )

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: ( Look of disbelief )

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Good.'

Indian: ( Extreme look of shock )

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' ( Pointing at the Indian )

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.'

Indian: ( Complete look of utter amazement )

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep liar.'

[punkwax]

I got a Rolex for Christmas. I guess the hot lesbians next door misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...
Posted via RS Mobile

[ra604]

GENIE JOKE

Three men are on a peak on top of the mountain. One of them a native, the other a black guy, and the last one a white man.

A genie appears and says if you jump off this cliff, I can make you into whatever you want.

The native guy goes first, jumps off the cliff and says "I want to be an eagle" and he soars through the skies.

The black guy goes next, jumps off the cliff and says "I want to be a tugboat" and he floats atop the water.

The white man goes last and just before he jumps, he trips over a rock and says "oh shit" and he turns to shit

[OTG-ZR2]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.

He said that since this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Zyzz]

So a British woman is living in China.
She went to the super market and wanted to buy some chicken breasts. However she didn't know chinese so she showed them her breasts and said "Cawk cawk cawk cawk", and got some chicken breasts.
The next day she went to the supermarket and wanted to buy some sausages. However she faced some difficulties so she brought her husband along as well.

What did the husband do?

Spoiler!

He said "I want to buy some sausages" in chinese

[Derek_N84]

What is the difference between black people and a set of tires?

Tires don't sing when you put a set of chains on them.

[gdoh]

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Spoiler!

Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Spoiler!

Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

Spoiler!

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

Spoiler!

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

Spoiler!

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

Spoiler!

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Spoiler!

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

Spoiler!

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.

Spoiler!

I just didn't know her first name was Always..

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

Spoiler!

It's called a Wedding Cake.