Joke Thread

[Greenstoner]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it

[Oleophobic]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[spades]

how much coke did Charlie Sheen do?












enough to kill two and a half men

[Greenstoner]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[spades]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men..

'Can I borrow the dog?'
Posted via RS Mobile

[Sandman]

^ you missed the punch line: "Get in line"

[woob]

[Greenstoner]

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of
beer and sticks it on their trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on offer, only £10 for twelve cans!" he explains.

"Put them back. We can't afford it!" insists the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
on their trolley.

"What d'you think you're doing?" asks the man, indignantly.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

So the man replies:

"SO DOES TWELVE CANS OF BEER . . . AND THEY'RE HALF THE ### PRICE!!"

[fliptuner]

Guy walks up to a really fat chick in a night club and asks her if she has a pen. She smiles and says yes, to which the guy says "Well you better fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're gone!"
--


I had rough, aggressive sex with my girlfriend last night. It's not what I'm into, but she initiated it. Yeah, she started it by not wanting to have sex with me. And saying she wasn't my girlfriend, and that she was just waiting for a bus.

[punkwax]

A guy sees a hot chick at the bar wearing a Leafs jersey. He walks up to her and says, "Hi, my name is 4 Goal Lead and I bet by the end of the night you'll blow me."

[Djiban]

Why did hitler commit suicide?
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The gas bill came in

[woob]

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"


----


How do you tell the differences between an oral and rectal thermometer?

By the taste.


----


Alright, so these two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says to the bartender:

OOOOOOOOaaaaaaaaaaaaaaOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOaaaaaaaaaaaaaaOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO OO
öööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööööö öööööööööööööööööö
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooo

The second whale says, "Shut up, Fred. You're drunk."


----


there are 2 things that i regret most in my life... 1. How many times i fucked up. 2. naming my dog up


----


Use this one on your friends:

You: Wanna hear a joke?
Friend: Sure!
You: Okay how about a knock-knock joke?
Friend: Alright!
You: Okay you start - say "knock-knock"
Friend: Knock-knock
You: Who's there?
Friend: ummm.... *wtf look*
You:

----

Moar: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/commen..._get/?sort=top

[flagella]

Wow, I've never looked into this thread til now. Just don't have the time to go through all pages to check whether this might be a repost, but here's something.


A lesson on how consultants can make a difference, in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, "Steve's Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting (now Accenture) to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 manhours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there? " "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%." "I asked quietly "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[PornMaster]

What do you call a fox with a missing leg?


























































Terry fox

[fliptuner]

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling novel. You know that Harry is going to be in it.
--
--
President Bush tried and failed. President Clinton tried and failed. President Obama tried and succeeded. The moral of this is... if you want someone dead, hire a black guy.

[Alatar]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[spideyv2]

What do you call an east indian priest?

Spoiler!

holy shit

[Alatar]

Originally Posted by jayare604

What do you call an east indian priest?

Spoiler!

holy shit

That's in this thread about 4 or 5 times already.

[spideyv2]

Originally Posted by Alatar

That's in this thread about 4 or 5 times already.

lol, i went through the first 6 pages and didn't find it. Can never fuckin win eh?

[fullyentranced]

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[stewie]

buddy sent this to me on BBM this morning.

so a guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar next to a big burly native man. orders himself a beer, and drinks it, 15-20 minutes later he leans over and says to the native guy "hey man...you want a blowjob?"

right then the native guy gets up and beats the shit outta the queer!

the bartender runs over and looks at the native guy and says "jesus christ man....what the fuck happend??? what the fuck did he say to you for you to do that to him?!?!?!"

the native guy looks at the bartender and replies "i dunno....he asked me if i wanted a job or something..."



hahaahaha, no offence to native people though

[insomniac]

im not lazy im on energy saving mode.

[Gumby]

Church Fart:

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."

[fliptuner]

Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the Discovery Channel.
--


I bought the wife a memory stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
--

[spideyv2]

How do you circumcise a native?

Spoiler!

kick his sister in the jaw