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05-27-2011, 03:31 AM
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#551 | RS has made me the bitter person i am today!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 4,658
Thanked 4,282 Times in 587 Posts
Failed 766 Times in 143 Posts
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Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
__________________ Quote:
Originally Posted by !Aznboi128 me: can I tap that
her: why are all guys asking the same f**king question?
me: i uno.... so can I tap that
her: stfu you got a gf
me: tap together?
no reply... | |
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05-27-2011, 12:35 PM
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#552 | RS.net, where our google ads make absolutely no sense!
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: VAncouver
Posts: 993
Thanked 864 Times in 179 Posts
Failed 98 Times in 44 Posts
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?
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05-27-2011, 12:51 PM
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#553 | RS.net, where our google ads make absolutely no sense!
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: VAncouver
Posts: 993
Thanked 864 Times in 179 Posts
Failed 98 Times in 44 Posts
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What do the police and Nike have in common? |
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05-27-2011, 01:13 PM
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#554 | Rider
Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Surrey
Posts: 3,269
Thanked 2,081 Times in 532 Posts
Failed 439 Times in 100 Posts
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this joke might offend some of you soo you been warned |
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05-27-2011, 02:24 PM
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#555 | I wish I was where I was when I wished I was here
Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: West Coast
Posts: 4,931
Thanked 3,098 Times in 733 Posts
Failed 703 Times in 219 Posts
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Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.
A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said. The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"
After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges." Posted via RS Mobile |
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05-27-2011, 03:05 PM
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#556 | I *Fwap* *Fwap* *Fwap* to RS
Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: vancouver
Posts: 1,567
Thanked 238 Times in 94 Posts
Failed 121 Times in 27 Posts
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Originally Posted by hotjoint A guy goes up to a genie. Genie says "you get one wish, whatever you want". The guy says "I want to live forever". The genie says "Sorry, I can't do that for you". The guy then says "Ok, well I wanna die when the canucks win the cup". The genie answers "you crafty bastard" | I think this guy's gonna die soon ...
__________________
Q: What do you like most in a woman?
A: My dick Quote:
Originally Posted by JL9000 this is the internet and everyone knows better about what happened sitting behind a desk than the people who are actually involved. | |
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05-27-2011, 03:07 PM
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#557 | I contribute to threads in the offtopic forum
Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 2,629
Thanked 273 Times in 90 Posts
Failed 62 Times in 32 Posts
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^ Actually he should've replaced "Canucks" with "Maple Leafs" |
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06-12-2011, 03:02 AM
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#558 | My bookmarks are Reddit and REVscene, in that order
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 4,442
Thanked 13,465 Times in 1,814 Posts
Failed 1,625 Times in 307 Posts
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
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06-12-2011, 03:43 AM
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#559 | Captain Happy Bubble is my Homeboy
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 333
Thanked 365 Times in 87 Posts
Failed 0 Times in 0 Posts
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One day, three sisters wanted to find out how they got their names, so the eldest goes up to her father and asks, “Daddy, why did you name me Daisy?”
And so the father says, ”Because on the day you were born, while we were walking out from the hospital, a daisy petal fell on your head."
The second daughter then asks, ”Daddy, why did you name me Rose?”
And so the father replies, ”Because when you were born, while we were walking out from the hospital, a rose petal fell on your head."
The third daughter then says, "Blahhjabaksldkflasj"
And the father yells, ”Shut up, Cinderblock!”
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06-13-2011, 01:40 AM
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#560 | My bookmarks are Reddit and REVscene, in that order
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 4,442
Thanked 13,465 Times in 1,814 Posts
Failed 1,625 Times in 307 Posts
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. Though shocked, he reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and he gently hands it back to her.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she carefully replaces the eye. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
He moves to her table and they enjoy a wonderful dinner together. Afterwards they go to a lounge sharing a few drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her story of the accident culminating in her glass eye.
Soon, conversation turns to her deepest dreams, he shares his... they listen entranced to each other.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps, stay for breakfast. After the nightcap they have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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06-13-2011, 11:41 AM
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#561 | I contribute to threads in the offtopic forum
Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: richmond
Posts: 2,513
Thanked 1,352 Times in 445 Posts
Failed 192 Times in 79 Posts
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Could be a repost, but w/e
A drunk guy was lining up behind a woman at safeway. He saw the woman's groceries and they included a tv dinner, one donut, one watermelon, and a small carton of milk.
He looks at the lady and says 'I bet you are single'.
The lady looks at her groceries, and asks ' You are right, how did you figure that out?'
The drunk guy replies ' Because you are fucking ugly'
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06-23-2011, 11:47 AM
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#562 | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,929
Thanked 11,628 Times in 4,966 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
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Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Vern. 'He's in my bowling league.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
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07-04-2011, 10:12 PM
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#563 | 14 dolla balla aint got nothing on me!
Join Date: May 2011 Location: Vansterdam
Posts: 627
Thanked 721 Times in 94 Posts
Failed 74 Times in 10 Posts
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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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07-05-2011, 12:34 AM
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#564 | What hasn't Killed me, has made me more tolerant of RS!
Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: home
Posts: 154
Thanked 77 Times in 32 Posts
Failed 41 Times in 10 Posts
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Last edited by hypercube; 07-05-2011 at 02:08 AM.
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07-05-2011, 12:44 AM
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#565 | My homepage has been set to RS
Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Coquitlam
Posts: 2,030
Thanked 1,382 Times in 416 Posts
Failed 73 Times in 29 Posts
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not sure if repost.
so Jack and Jill are watching a tv program on emotions. the host talks about how it's rare to hear something that makes you both happy and sad.
the man says "Jill, that's a load of crap, i bet you can't do that".
Jill replies "out of all your friends' you have the biggest dick"
Jill: Jack, how did you AIDS test go?
Jack: It went fine i guess.
Jill: Are you sure?
Jack: I'm positive
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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07-06-2011, 04:17 PM
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#566 | My bookmarks are Reddit and REVscene, in that order
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 4,442
Thanked 13,465 Times in 1,814 Posts
Failed 1,625 Times in 307 Posts
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A wife goes out for a night with the girls, telling her husband she'll be home around midnight.
Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.
She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she's quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.
Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she'd come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He'd never know the difference!
That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, obviously hungover, and asked, "So... what time did you get in last night?"
"Oh, right around midnight," she replied. The husband didn't seem disturbed at all, her plan had worked!
"Well," he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock."
"Why do you say that?" she asked.
"Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
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07-07-2011, 08:34 AM
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#567 | NOOB, Not Quite a Regular!
Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Richmond
Posts: 26
Thanked 14 Times in 4 Posts
Failed 10 Times in 3 Posts
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Don't know if it's been posted before but...
A Black guy and a Mexican guy both in a car, who's driving?
Answer: The cop!
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07-22-2011, 05:08 AM
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#568 | My bookmarks are Reddit and REVscene, in that order
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 4,442
Thanked 13,465 Times in 1,814 Posts
Failed 1,625 Times in 307 Posts
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A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
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08-05-2011, 02:31 AM
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#569 | My bookmarks are Reddit and REVscene, in that order
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 4,442
Thanked 13,465 Times in 1,814 Posts
Failed 1,625 Times in 307 Posts
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The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked me if I wanted some.
"How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me naked."
I said, "Go on then, pour me a glass".
Guess I'm sleeping on the couch for the next week.
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08-05-2011, 03:27 AM
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#570 | My bookmarks are Reddit and REVscene, in that order
Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 4,442
Thanked 13,465 Times in 1,814 Posts
Failed 1,625 Times in 307 Posts
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. |
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08-07-2011, 02:39 AM
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#571 | Where's my RS Christmas Lobster?!
Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: richmond
Posts: 879
Thanked 2,284 Times in 186 Posts
Failed 423 Times in 115 Posts
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why is camping so extreme?
__________________
spaghetti cakes
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08-10-2011, 01:41 AM
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#572 | JDMEK9Mod | DogWhisperer
Join Date: May 2007 Location: Richmond
Posts: 14,670
Thanked 5,616 Times in 1,753 Posts
Failed 102 Times in 62 Posts
| *you need to know a little cantonese to get this joke*
What do you call The Hulk in chinese? |
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08-17-2011, 12:18 PM
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#573 | RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 8,858
Thanked 2,420 Times in 669 Posts
Failed 530 Times in 136 Posts
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Saw this at work today. Little bit of subtle humour. =P
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
__________________ 2014 Honda Civic Si |
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08-17-2011, 01:53 PM
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#574 | NOOB, Not Quite a Regular!
Join Date: May 2011 Location: van
Posts: 42
Thanked 15 Times in 4 Posts
Failed 0 Times in 0 Posts
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Heard this at work (west jet joke)
A mother and her very young son were flying West Jet Airlines from
Ottawa to Calgary.
The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs,and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who could not think of an answer) told her son to ask
the stewardess.
Therefore, the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.
The stewardess, who was very busy at the time smiled and said, "Did
your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes,she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
airplanes because West Jet always pulls out on time.
Have Your Mom explain that to you."
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08-17-2011, 01:58 PM
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#575 | RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 8,858
Thanked 2,420 Times in 669 Posts
Failed 530 Times in 136 Posts
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^
the mother is a bimbo if she could not think of an answer to that. Planes aren't living creatures.
Otherwise. its a funny joke.
__________________ 2014 Honda Civic Si |
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