REVscene Automotive Forum

REVscene Automotive Forum (https://www.revscene.net/forums/)

- Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events (https://www.revscene.net/forums/vancouver-off-topic-current-events_50/)

- - Joke Thread (https://www.revscene.net/forums/565148-joke-thread.html)

A customer just sent this one to me lol

Quote:

Renault and Ford joining up

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year

Posted via RS Mobile

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the cardiologist in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Little Johnny sat in the back of the classroom madly waving his arm trying to get the teacher's attention. The teacher, knowing little Johnny for the little rapscallion that he was, ignored his every attempt to gain acknowledgement.

Finally, in desperation, Johnny jumps up and heads for the door. "JOHNNY!" the teacher says. "Just where do you think you are going?" Teacher... I gotta PISS!" Johnny blurts. "You may go then." She says. But when you return, I want you to compose a sentence for the class using the word urinate.

Upon Johnny's return the teacher calls our little friend to the front of the class and asks "Johnny, do you have that sentence for us?" "Yup," Johnny says. "teacher, Your-an-eight... but if you had any tits, you'd be a ten."

Every Friday Little Johnny's teacher would choose 3 students in the class to learn a new word over the weekend and use it in a sentence when they returned Monday morning.

"Billy, Sally, Little Johnny, I would like you to learn the word "contagious" this weekend. When you come back Monday, I'd like to hear you use it in a sentence" she said one Friday afternoon.

Monday morning she called the 3 students to the front of the class.

Sally started and proudly proclaimed, "When I had the chicken pox, I had to stay inside because I was contagious."

"Well done Sally" the teacher complimented, "and how about you Billy?"

"Last week I couldn't play with my cousin because he had a very bad cold and my mom said he might be contagious" Billy replied.

"Nice work, Billy. Little Johnny?" the teacher asked.

"Well, last Friday, when I got home from school, my parents were in the backyard drinkin' and my mom decided she was going to mow the lawn. She'd do a lap and drink a beer. Do another lap, drink another beer... well, by the 5th lap and beer, my dad said, 'It's gonna take that cunt ages to mow the lawn'"

Lesson to be learned here. Never name your kid, "Johnny".

A old one but it always gives me a laugh

Quote:

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

^ Then I am the biggest fucking lesbian of all time. LOL.

What do you a kid with no arms or legs, and an eye-patch?

Spoiler!

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction... So, I put her in a car and I drove her downtown, and I pointed out a crack addict, and I said...

Spoiler!

What do you call a Mexican women with no legs?

Spoiler!

I wish

Quote:

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Yes, Pepper!"

Best pickup line ever:

Spoiler!

...

Quote:

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says
"What dvd?" asks the father
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence

What do you call a computer that can sing?

Spoiler!

Posted via RS Mobile

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Spoiler!

What did the dumb, deaf and blind kid get for Christmas?

Spoiler!

What do you call a Mexican with a Rubber Toe?

Spoiler!

A joke to start out your Friday

Quote:

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

The nudiest colony

Quote:

An elderly gentleman joined a nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.

A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new" answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smilling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee....."
"But, Sir " she replied, you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady, I'm 89 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your Dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Strongest - Meanest - Toughest

Quote:

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome
sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it
was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..

Tom, the hand from Manitoba says, "I must be the strongest, meanest,
toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in
the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by
the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Ben, from Alberta, couldn't stand to be bested . . . "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out
from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with
my barehands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp
and didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Fred, the cowboy from Salmon Arm, remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his pecker.

This thread reminded me of a couple jokes I saved cause they always make me lol. Did a quick search but didn't see it.

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."$

It's a long read but so worth it

Quote:

*NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA**

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Fix dinner, watch the grand kids come and go.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom...

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the family, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious... I must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! I touch.. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake .... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace..... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend.. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turn out???