Joke Thread

[mbrodie]

[MG1]

This is a really bad joke for Canucks fan, but I found it funny...................


What's the similarity between the Canucks and the Titanic?

Spoiler!

They both fail when they hit the ice.

[RayBot]

"See, Michaell Jackson had this 'disorder' that turned his skin from black to white.

The thing is, there's a lot of discrepencies on what this disorder is called. Because doctors call it a "disease."

However, black people call it something completely different. Black people call it...

...a 'cure.' "



(original joke)

[murd0c]

Here's a Friday joke for you guys

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
To spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
Of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
Toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
Prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
Surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
There twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
Asleep

[MG1]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his deaf bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of ten million dollars. The Godfather gave Guido the job of keeping his books because he assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so if ever questioned he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing ten million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about!" The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he don't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Guido signs back, OK” You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my Cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[MG1]

My neighbor is gorgeous ...

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

SHIT! It's no fun being old!



=========================================

Now if it were me, I'd jump her bones right there and then.

[tofu1413]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.

[InvisibleSoul]

Originally Posted by tofu1413

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.

Space Pen - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A common urban legend states that, faced with the fact that ball-point pens will not write in zero-gravity, NASA spent a large amount of money to develop a pen that would write in the conditions experienced during spaceflight (the result purportedly being the Fisher Space Pen), while the Soviet Union took the simpler (and cheaper) route of just using pencils.
Russian cosmonauts used pencils, and grease pencils on plastic slates until also adopting a space pen in 1969 with a purchase of 100 units for use on all future missions.[1] NASA programs previously used pencils (for example a 1965 order of mechanical pencils[2]) but because of the substantial dangers that broken-off pencil tips and graphite dust pose in zero gravity to electronics and the flammable nature of the wood present in pencils[2] a better solution was needed. NASA never approached Paul Fisher to develop a pen, nor did Fisher receive any government funding for the pen's development. Fisher invented it independently, and then asked NASA to try it. After the introduction of the AG7 Space Pen, both the American and Soviet (later Russian) space agencies adopted it.

[MG1]

^but that isn't funny.................

tofu1413's post was a joke that I had a good chuckle over......... didn't matter if it was legit or not, it was funny.

[InvisibleSoul]

Originally Posted by MG1

^but that isn't funny.................

tofu1413's post was a joke that I had a good chuckle over......... didn't matter if it was legit or not, it was funny.

I know... and I've read that joke before too... but after seeing it yesterday, I decided to read up about the Space Pen, and that was in the wiki, and I thought the truth was interesting.

I actually bought a Space Pen for my mom back in the 90's at PNE, I think...

[MG1]

I think the graphite dust in the equipment part was weird, funny, and scary at the same time.

[tofu1413]

theres always the "american approach" then theres the "russian approach" to solve problems...

[MG1]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

[MG1]

Saint Peter was sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black and two Mexican guys arrived.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter went over to God's chambers and told him who was waiting for entrance. God said to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. ALL are loved. ALL are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter went back to the Gates, looked around, and let out a heavy sigh.

He returned to God's chambers and said, "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the black guys or the Mexican guys?" asked God.

“NO, the Pearly Gates."

[murd0c]

an rcmp officer stops at a ranch up in cache creek , b.c. And talks with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'i need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown pot.'

the old rancher says, 'okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

the rcmp officer verbally explodes saying, 'mister, i have the authority of the federal government with me.'
reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'see this badge? This badge means i am allowed to go wherever i wish.....on any land. No questions asked or answers given.
Have i made myself clear? Do you understand?'

the old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the rcmp officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'your badge! Show him your fucking badge!'

[proctor]

2 condoms walk into a bar.

First condom says, "This is a gay bar"

Second condom says, "Looks like we're gettin shitfaced tonight"

[punkwax]

A man on his deathbed says to his wife, "Honey, we have four beautiful children. Our first three are all so similar. Athletic, blond hair, green eyes... and our last... well he has brown hair and blue eyes and was never really all that coordinated. Now, I love you honey but I've always been suspicious. Is the fourth child mine or were you unfaithful?"

"Of course the fourth child is yours, sweetheart." The wife replied and the man died peacefully with a smile on his face.

As she closes his eyelids and begins go weep she thinks to herself, "Thank god he didn't ask about the first three."

[murd0c]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting
at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here
until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking
coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

.

[MG1]

A man wanted to get married and was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[ilovebacon]

^ lol wtf...
Posted via RS Mobile

[Gumby]

[RayBot]

For anyone that gives a shit....I'll be at the Comedy Mix on October 9 :P

[cho]

Originally Posted by RayBot

For anyone that gives a shit....I'll be at the Comedy Mix on October 9 :P

i love that place!!

[RayBot]

^^ The 9th will be a fun night at the Mix. Sure, its pro-am night...but my buddy Paul will be joining me, and he killed it the last time he was in the mix. And also, another one of my friends, "Captain Charley," a flaming gay chinese dude who's doing the Comedy Mix for the first time.

I just found out the host for that night is Matt Billon. He's been on Just for Laughs and CTV Comedy Now.

[dlo]

What do you call a girl dancing by herself at a club??

Spoiler!

probably fat