| Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum. |
 | | 
03-14-2015, 10:38 PM
|
#701 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,929
Thanked 11,628 Times in 4,966 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
|
Heard this a week ago.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
| Quote: |
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
| 
|  | |
11-26-2015, 09:23 AM
|
#702 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
|
The owner at my work sent this around the whole company lol Quote:
FIRST TIME SEX
It's clean & funny.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy every- Thing there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no
Idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."
| | |
| | | This post thanked by: | Bahhbeehhaaaa, BIC_BAWS, coneZONE, Gumby, ilovebacon, lilaznviper, MG1, mtate4442, Nabatron, R. Mutt, RevYouUp, stewie, tofu1413 | |
08-13-2016, 07:57 PM
|
#703 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,929
Thanked 11,628 Times in 4,966 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
|
Heard this on Satellite Radio.......
Dude covered completely in saran wrap walks into a bar................
the bartender says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
| Quote: |
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
Last edited by MG1; 08-14-2016 at 06:26 AM.
| |
| | |
09-13-2016, 10:13 PM
|
#704 | Ebisu Boss
Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: West Side
Posts: 4,048
Thanked 1,889 Times in 705 Posts
Failed 76 Times in 29 Posts
|
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room… “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”
“I remember that, too” she replied softly.
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
| |
| | | This post thanked by: | BIC_BAWS, freakshow, Infiniti, MG1, PK-EK, Presto, radioman, Reeyal, tofu1413, underscore, ZordosZZ | |
01-04-2017, 01:08 PM
|
#705 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
|
Perfect for this time of year Quote:
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
| | |
| | |
10-20-2017, 10:42 AM
|
#706 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,929
Thanked 11,628 Times in 4,966 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
|
I was at The Bay in Metrotown yesterday and this woman was looking for a "lazy susan".
Cashier had no idea what she wanted. I started to laugh and they wanted to know why.
I told them about the story of the time I called Walmart looking for a lazy susan. Lady on the phone tells me, "She doesn't work here today."
For those who don't know what a lazy susan is, it is a spinning turntable like the ones you see at restaurants.
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
| Quote: |
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
| |
| | |
12-03-2017, 02:21 AM
|
#707 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,929
Thanked 11,628 Times in 4,966 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
|
Bumping this thread.........
Heard a funny one today. The guy who told me this joke said it so much better...........
So this man who's been married for some time now, goes into a lingerie shop to get something sexy for his wife. He discovers that the more see-through the gown is, the more expensive it is. He gets one that sets him back 500 bucks. He gives it to his wife later that night. Wife says to hubby, "Let me try it on......... see you up in the balcony, honey." Man stays downstairs and waits for his wife. Wife meanwhile says to herself, "I'm going to return this gown and keep the 500 bucks for myself." She steps out on the balcony totally naked. Husband sees wife from below and says, "You'd think for 500 bucks they'd at least iron the damn thing." There's more to the joke, but that's all I could remember.
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
| Quote: |
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
| |
| | |
12-03-2017, 05:25 AM
|
#708 | | RS has made me the bitter person i am today!
Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: right here
Posts: 4,980
Thanked 4,784 Times in 831 Posts
Failed 884 Times in 162 Posts
|
He never heard the shot
Funeral on Friday at noon.
Closed coffin.
__________________
now what?
| |
| | |
07-31-2018, 01:32 PM
|
#709 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
|
wow no Jokes in 8 months.. Quote:
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?”
| | |
| | |
07-31-2018, 01:59 PM
|
#710 | | i like gifs
Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: imgur
Posts: 27,179
Thanked 7,785 Times in 2,695 Posts
Failed 4,294,967,295 Times in 169 Posts
|
I went to the doctors recently
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “Like bacon and burgers?”
He said: “No. Fatty don’t eat anything.”
| |
| | |
07-31-2018, 03:14 PM
|
#711 | | RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 9,345
Thanked 3,675 Times in 1,798 Posts
Failed 693 Times in 217 Posts
|
Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
__________________
Go Canucks go!
| |
| | |
07-31-2018, 03:38 PM
|
#712 | | Zombie Mod
Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Langley
Posts: 9,890
Thanked 5,175 Times in 1,555 Posts
Failed 120 Times in 54 Posts
|
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and
then down into the cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.
__________________
Romans 10:9 | |
| | |
07-31-2018, 09:10 PM
|
#713 | | RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 9,345
Thanked 3,675 Times in 1,798 Posts
Failed 693 Times in 217 Posts
|
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." 
__________________
Go Canucks go!
| |
| | |
07-31-2018, 09:23 PM
|
#714 | | RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 9,345
Thanked 3,675 Times in 1,798 Posts
Failed 693 Times in 217 Posts
|
Dave Chappelle's joke about himself getting old:
On getting old
I don’t like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. It’s old, an old-looking dick. It’s got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the ’90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, “Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around and jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out.”
__________________
Go Canucks go!
| |
| | |
07-31-2018, 10:39 PM
|
#715 | | My homepage has been set to RS
Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: vancouver
Posts: 2,409
Thanked 937 Times in 287 Posts
Failed 286 Times in 94 Posts
|
just wonder if all statutory holidays the word "Day" to "Gay"
we got, canada gay, bc gay, christmas gay, new year gay, st patricks gay
Columbus gay, thankgiving gay more to go.........
| 
| | |
08-01-2018, 08:42 PM
|
#716 | Ebisu Boss
Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: West Side
Posts: 4,048
Thanked 1,889 Times in 705 Posts
Failed 76 Times in 29 Posts
|
^  | |
| | |
08-07-2018, 04:58 PM
|
#717 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,929
Thanked 11,628 Times in 4,966 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
|
Every time I come across Integra Girl, which, thank god, is not too often (vansterdamnit), I think of this song............
Now, for those who don't know who Integra Girl is, check the link in the spoiler.......
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
| Quote: |
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
| |
| | |
08-10-2018, 12:41 PM
|
#718 | | Zombie Mod
Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Langley
Posts: 9,890
Thanked 5,175 Times in 1,555 Posts
Failed 120 Times in 54 Posts
|
I had a really bad habit of biting my nails. I'm glad I finally fixed that problem.
__________________
Romans 10:9 | |
| | |
08-24-2018, 10:04 AM
|
#719 | | Orgasm Donor & Alatar owned my ass twice!
Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Paradise, BC
Posts: 6,967
Thanked 6,702 Times in 2,705 Posts
Failed 255 Times in 141 Posts
|
Saw this one this morning:
Trump rally supporter: Get used to it -- Trump for 8 years.
Me: Depending on the judge and jury, he might get more than that.
| |
| | |
10-31-2018, 10:12 PM
|
#720 | | Meet on the Level and Part on the Square
Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Squampton
Posts: 1,662
Thanked 2,093 Times in 669 Posts
Failed 187 Times in 69 Posts
|
They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there and you say in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it’s embarrassing.There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room.
As he approached the desk the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctors room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what wrong and I told you,” he said.
The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied, “you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone.”
The man walked out waited several minutes and the re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear , Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter!!!!!
| |
| | |
10-31-2018, 11:03 PM
|
#721 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,929
Thanked 11,628 Times in 4,966 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
|
^Bwahahahaha............
If it were me, I'd say, "I've had an erection for more than 72 hours............. but it's all good now, 'cause seeing your ugly face just fixed the issue."
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
| Quote: |
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
| |
| | |
10-31-2018, 11:40 PM
|
#722 | | RS has made me the bitter person i am today!
Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: van
Posts: 4,530
Thanked 1,170 Times in 625 Posts
Failed 286 Times in 153 Posts
|
^^waiting room erupts in..
__________________
Gold is the money of kings;
Silver is the money of gentlemen;
Barter is the money of peasants;
But debt is the money of slaves.
-Norm Franz
| |
| | |
11-01-2018, 12:02 AM
|
#723 | | My homepage has been set to RS
Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: vancouver
Posts: 2,447
Thanked 1,759 Times in 545 Posts
Failed 1,107 Times in 281 Posts
|
if house was a person, and she went to a party. What would she wear? A dress!
| |
| | |
11-01-2018, 06:10 AM
|
#724 | | Media Officer / MOD
Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: vancouver
Posts: 28,077
Thanked 5,752 Times in 1,725 Posts
Failed 85 Times in 63 Posts
|
A Lawyer won a big case and got himself a rolls royce and wanted to show his lawyer friends, he rolled up to his firm in his new car, open the door and a truck hit the car and ripped the door right off.
A cop across the street saw it happen and rushed over
Before the officer could say anything the lawyer said "God damn it! my beautiful new car, how am I suppose to show off to my friends?"
The officer replied, "typical lawyer all about material things didn't even notice you're missing an arm"
The lawyer looked down "shit! my Rolex"
| |
| | |
11-26-2018, 04:45 PM
|
#725 | | Orgasm Donor & Alatar owned my ass twice!
Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Paradise, BC
Posts: 6,967
Thanked 6,702 Times in 2,705 Posts
Failed 255 Times in 141 Posts
|
This one is too good to not share:
in 2018 NASA probes Mars
in 2020 NASA probes Uranus
credit: Antwone
| |
| | | |
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
| | |
All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:00 PM.
|
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
The banners on the left side and below do not show for registered users!
