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Old 03-14-2015, 09:38 PM   #701
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Heard this a week ago.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade
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Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
YODO = You Only Die Once.

Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.

"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
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Old 11-26-2015, 08:23 AM   #702
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The owner at my work sent this around the whole company lol

Quote:
FIRST TIME SEX

It's clean & funny.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy every- Thing there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no
Idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."
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Old 08-13-2016, 06:57 PM   #703
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Heard this on Satellite Radio.......

Dude covered completely in saran wrap walks into a bar................

the bartender says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
YODO = You Only Die Once.

Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.

"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.

Last edited by MG1; 08-14-2016 at 05:26 AM.
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Old 09-13-2016, 09:13 PM   #704
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A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room… “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

“I remember that, too” she replied softly.

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
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Old 01-04-2017, 12:08 PM   #705
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Perfect for this time of year

Quote:
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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Old 10-20-2017, 09:42 AM   #706
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I was at The Bay in Metrotown yesterday and this woman was looking for a "lazy susan".

Cashier had no idea what she wanted. I started to laugh and they wanted to know why.

I told them about the story of the time I called Walmart looking for a lazy susan. Lady on the phone tells me, "She doesn't work here today."

For those who don't know what a lazy susan is, it is a spinning turntable like the ones you see at restaurants.
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Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
YODO = You Only Die Once.

Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.

"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
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Old 12-03-2017, 01:21 AM   #707
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Bumping this thread.........

Heard a funny one today. The guy who told me this joke said it so much better...........

So this man who's been married for some time now, goes into a lingerie shop to get something sexy for his wife. He discovers that the more see-through the gown is, the more expensive it is. He gets one that sets him back 500 bucks. He gives it to his wife later that night. Wife says to hubby, "Let me try it on......... see you up in the balcony, honey." Man stays downstairs and waits for his wife. Wife meanwhile says to herself, "I'm going to return this gown and keep the 500 bucks for myself." She steps out on the balcony totally naked. Husband sees wife from below and says, "You'd think for 500 bucks they'd at least iron the damn thing." There's more to the joke, but that's all I could remember.
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"there but for the grace of god go I"
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Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
YODO = You Only Die Once.

Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.

"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
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Old 12-03-2017, 04:25 AM   #708
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He never heard the shot
Funeral on Friday at noon.
Closed coffin.
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Old 07-31-2018, 12:32 PM   #709
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wow no Jokes in 8 months..

Quote:
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”
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Old 07-31-2018, 12:59 PM   #710
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I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “Like bacon and burgers?”
He said: “No. Fatty don’t eat anything.”
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Old 07-31-2018, 02:14 PM   #711
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Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
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Old 07-31-2018, 02:38 PM   #712
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1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and
then down into the cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.
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Old 07-31-2018, 08:10 PM   #713
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Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Old 07-31-2018, 08:23 PM   #714
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Dave Chappelle's joke about himself getting old:

On getting old



I don’t like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. It’s old, an old-looking dick. It’s got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the ’90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, “Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around and jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out.”
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Old 07-31-2018, 09:39 PM   #715
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just wonder if all statutory holidays the word "Day" to "Gay"
we got, canada gay, bc gay, christmas gay, new year gay, st patricks gay
Columbus gay, thankgiving gay more to go.........
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Old 08-01-2018, 07:42 PM   #716
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Old 08-07-2018, 03:58 PM   #717
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Every time I come across Integra Girl, which, thank god, is not too often (vansterdamnit), I think of this song............

Spoiler!


Now, for those who don't know who Integra Girl is, check the link in the spoiler.......

Spoiler!
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Old 08-10-2018, 11:41 AM   #718
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I had a really bad habit of biting my nails. I'm glad I finally fixed that problem.

Spoiler!
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Old 08-24-2018, 09:04 AM   #719
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Saw this one this morning:

Trump rally supporter: Get used to it -- Trump for 8 years.
Me: Depending on the judge and jury, he might get more than that.
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Old 10-31-2018, 09:12 PM   #720
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They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there and you say in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it’s embarrassing.There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room.
As he approached the desk the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctors room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out waited several minutes and the re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear , Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.



The waiting room erupted in laughter!!!!!
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Old 10-31-2018, 10:03 PM   #721
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^Bwahahahaha............

If it were me, I'd say, "I've had an erection for more than 72 hours............. but it's all good now, 'cause seeing your ugly face just fixed the issue."
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Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
YODO = You Only Die Once.

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"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
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Old 10-31-2018, 10:40 PM   #722
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^^waiting room erupts in..
Spoiler!
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Old 10-31-2018, 11:02 PM   #723
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if house was a person, and she went to a party. What would she wear? A dress!
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Old 11-01-2018, 05:10 AM   #724
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A Lawyer won a big case and got himself a rolls royce and wanted to show his lawyer friends, he rolled up to his firm in his new car, open the door and a truck hit the car and ripped the door right off.

A cop across the street saw it happen and rushed over

Before the officer could say anything the lawyer said "God damn it! my beautiful new car, how am I suppose to show off to my friends?"

The officer replied, "typical lawyer all about material things didn't even notice you're missing an arm"

The lawyer looked down "shit! my Rolex"
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Old 11-26-2018, 03:45 PM   #725
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This one is too good to not share:

in 2018 NASA probes Mars
in 2020 NASA probes Uranus

credit: Antwone
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