Joke Thread

[Durrann1984]

Originally Posted by Grandmaster TSE

One day a school boy was showing off his new watch at school.
One of his mates asks how he got it. He said "Well the other night i walked in on my mum and dad having sex, my dad got mad and said if i got out of his bedroom and left them alone he would buy me a new watch". His mate was amazed and said "Wow! I’ll try that tonight". Later on that night he walked into his parents room. "What you doin son?" His dad asks. His son smiled and said, "Can i have a watch dad?". His dad nodded and said " Course you can son..pull up a chair".

hilariioius

[BNR32_Coupe]

Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears. Says "But Doctor...
I am Pagliacci."

Good joke, everybody laugh.
Roll on snare drum...
Curtains.

[punkwax]

A young Jewish boy asks his father for $5.

His father asks, "Four bucks? What do you need three bucks for!?"

[jinx_fx]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just shit in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do

That?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she

Touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't

Land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[Dentz]

Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?

Spoiler!

She thought maxi had wings.

[dereky]

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

[unit]

lol, someone forwarded that to me at work b4

[Grandmaster TSE]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."

[tabernack]

How do you know you are at a gay bbq?




The hot dogs taste like shit.

[Grandmaster TSE]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be executed for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about "Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's bare ass as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "GODDAMNIT WOMAN DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!?"

[jinx_fx]

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Grandmaster TSE]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[unit]

i lol'd

[TekDragon]

Why's Michael Phelps better than Hitler?
At least Phelps can finish a race.

A chinese man walks into a bar with a black bartender. As he sits down, he yells in a heavy Chinese accent, "Nigger! Give me whiskey!" The bartender just shakes his head and pours the whiskey for his customer. The Chinese man does it again, yelling "Nigger! more whiskey!" Finally after the third time he yells "Nigger, whiskey!" The bartender gets up and starts yelling back, "How would you like it if I start calling you a chink? Tell you what, you get behind the bar and see how you feel."
So, they switch places and the black man yells at the new bartender, "Chink, give me some whiskey!" The Chinese man calmly replies, "We no serve niggers here."


Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this all."The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable.""UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water."

[Black SC2]

http://skippyslist.com/list/
213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the US Army

Some choice ones:

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

[jinx_fx]

An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Grandmaster TSE]

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

[Grandmaster TSE]

whats the difference between jam and jelly




you can't jelly your cock into her mouth

[Leopold Stotch]

Friend told me this.

How does a black lady know she's pregnant?





























When she took out her tampon, all the cotton was gone.

[kc1337]

Did you know jews are the most flammable race on earth?


Theres 6 million pieces of evidence.

[shenmecar]

Originally Posted by cakeTech

Friend told me this.

How does a black lady know she's pregnant?





























When she took out her tampon, all the cotton was gone.

i dont get it?

[Leopold Stotch]

Originally Posted by shenmecar

i dont get it?

think history. black history. Oppression.

[BabyblooLexus]

Originally Posted by Nodnarb

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot you fucking racist.

LOLLLL!!!!!

[jstn86]

What's the difference between a black male and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of 4.


What's the difference between a black male and a bench?

A bench can support a family.


What's wrong with a boat filled with black people heading back to Africa?

Nothing...


What's wrong with a cadillac with 4 black people jumping off a cliff?

Cadillac seats 5.


How do you stop a black kid from jumping on your bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.


What's the difference between a dead deer on the road and a dead black person on the road?

There's swerve marks infront of the deer.

*i'm not a racist. sorry if i offended anyone.

[ajax]

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

Spoiler!

The pizza doesnt scream when it shoved into the oven