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06-24-2009, 04:54 PM
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#126 | | RS controls my life!
Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Burnaby
Posts: 731
Thanked 82 Times in 30 Posts
Failed 45 Times in 9 Posts
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Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.
"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
====================
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"
====================
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem.
The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."
The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."
The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"
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06-24-2009, 07:48 PM
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#127 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,930
Thanked 11,629 Times in 4,967 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
| Quote:
Originally Posted by [jsx] sky  weak sauce | your turn............
no contribution?
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
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Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
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06-24-2009, 08:57 PM
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#128 | | Captain Happy Bubble is my Homeboy
Join Date: May 2009 Location: Surrey
Posts: 308
Thanked 1,048 Times in 121 Posts
Failed 198 Times in 34 Posts
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***********RACIST JOKE********
What do you name a chinese baby that's born all black?
Sum-Ting-Wong
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06-25-2009, 01:32 AM
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#129 | | WOAH! i think Vtec just kicked in!
Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: MI6
Posts: 1,665
Thanked 17 Times in 8 Posts
Failed 20 Times in 8 Posts
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wut do you call a dog stranded on a desert??? (O__O)???
A HOT DOG 
__________________
"TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico - A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery"
"LAGOS - Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery" Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopstick so instead of teaching retarded monkeys not to cross the yellow line
give them a book and a bannana. the retarded monkey now becomes a smart banana | | |
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06-25-2009, 12:27 PM
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#130 | | Salad makes me squirt ranch dressing. Only half of that is an analogy.
Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 271
Thanked 86 Times in 26 Posts
Failed 20 Times in 2 Posts
| Quote:
Originally Posted by 89blkcivic your turn............
no contribution? | A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car. He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.
After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot’s room and says “Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.”
The carrot says, “Give me the good news first, doc.”
The doctor says, “The good news is you’re gonna live.”
“And the bad news?” asks the carrot.
“THe bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life.“
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06-25-2009, 01:40 PM
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#131 | | RS controls my life!
Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Burnaby
Posts: 731
Thanked 82 Times in 30 Posts
Failed 45 Times in 9 Posts
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There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down...
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06-26-2009, 02:33 AM
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#132 | | ESKETIT
Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Shambhala
Posts: 23,337
Thanked 9,689 Times in 2,321 Posts
Failed 997 Times in 240 Posts
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this thread is epic
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06-26-2009, 10:51 AM
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#133 | | My homepage has been set to RS
Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 2,451
Thanked 186 Times in 80 Posts
Failed 23 Times in 11 Posts
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Everyone was shocked when MJ died. Scientists were sure plastic lasted longer than 50 years.
__________________ Quote: Originally posted by CRS
I would make a comment in regards to your intelligence but I don't think that you would appreciate the full mockery of that comment.
In other words..
I would love to insult you but you wouldn't understand. | | |
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06-27-2009, 02:59 PM
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#134 | | Revscene.net has a homepage?!
Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: surrey
Posts: 1,203
Thanked 2,719 Times in 392 Posts
Failed 430 Times in 81 Posts
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They figured out how MJ died....
Food posioning, he ate an 11 year old wiener
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06-27-2009, 03:56 PM
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#135 | | I Will not Admit my Addiction to RS
Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Surrey
Posts: 537
Thanked 28 Times in 17 Posts
Failed 5 Times in 4 Posts
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I heard a version of this in our team locker room. I changed it up a little.
"How come there aren't many asian players in the NHL? Because they can't see anything when you put a windshield in front of their eyes."
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06-27-2009, 05:05 PM
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#136 | | I *Fwap* *Fwap* *Fwap* to RS
Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 1,599
Thanked 492 Times in 125 Posts
Failed 104 Times in 21 Posts
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the john tesh is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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06-27-2009, 05:05 PM
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#137 | | My homepage has been set to RS
Join Date: May 2006 Location: PoCo
Posts: 2,062
Thanked 551 Times in 141 Posts
Failed 84 Times in 48 Posts
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Why doesnt Jesus play hockey?
Because he's afraid he'll get nailed into the boards.
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06-27-2009, 06:11 PM
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#138 | | Need to Seek Professional Help
Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Victoria
Posts: 1,028
Thanked 436 Times in 92 Posts
Failed 292 Times in 68 Posts
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What were Michael Jackson's last words?
Take me to the CHILDREN's hospital!
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06-27-2009, 07:33 PM
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#139 | | Fathered more RS members than anybody else. Who's your daddy?
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 24,930
Thanked 11,629 Times in 4,967 Posts
Failed 316 Times in 202 Posts
| Quote:
Originally Posted by aman23 Why doesnt Jesus play hockey?
Because he's afraid he'll get nailed into the boards. | Ouch! but funny
mean but funny
I imagine a few christians would be bothered by it, but funny nonetheless 
Am I going to hell because I laughed so hard at this one?
__________________ Quote: |
"there but for the grace of god go I"
| Quote: |
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
| YODO = You Only Die Once.
Dirty look from MG1 can melt steel beams.
"There must be dissonance before resolution - MG1" a musical reference.
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06-27-2009, 09:51 PM
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#140 | | Glorious Gaming PC Master Race
Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Coquitlam y0!
Posts: 21,240
Thanked 968 Times in 446 Posts
Failed 83 Times in 30 Posts
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A man was eating his girfriend out
then he shouted: "Geez, you got a big pussy! Geez, you got a big pussy!"
The girl says: "OK, but why did you say it twice?
The guys says: "I didn't..."
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06-27-2009, 11:33 PM
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#141 | | Banned (ABWS)
Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: vancouver
Posts: 1,742
Thanked 179 Times in 76 Posts
Failed 189 Times in 70 Posts
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What does Michael Jackson like about twenty six year olds?
Theres twenty of them!
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06-27-2009, 11:45 PM
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#142 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
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A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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06-27-2009, 11:45 PM
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#143 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the
tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever
had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK,
dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be
the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it.
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06-27-2009, 11:46 PM
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#144 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
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A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
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06-28-2009, 12:02 AM
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#145 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
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FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, ' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks, and yelled, 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard
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06-28-2009, 12:54 AM
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#146 | | My homepage has been set to RS
Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 2,451
Thanked 186 Times in 80 Posts
Failed 23 Times in 11 Posts
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Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. God, having enjoyed the original Charlie's Angels so much, granted Farrah one wish. Thinking for a moment, she told God, "I want all of the children of the world to be safe!"
__________________ Quote: Originally posted by CRS
I would make a comment in regards to your intelligence but I don't think that you would appreciate the full mockery of that comment.
In other words..
I would love to insult you but you wouldn't understand. | | |
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06-28-2009, 12:59 AM
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#147 | | In RS I Trust
Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Mission
Posts: 20,733
Thanked 17,627 Times in 4,328 Posts
Failed 1,037 Times in 352 Posts
| Quote:
Originally Posted by TekDragon Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. God, having enjoyed the original Charlie's Angels so much, granted Farrah one wish. Thinking for a moment, she told God, "I want all of the children of the world to be safe!" | epic fail right there  | |
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06-28-2009, 01:22 AM
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#148 | | My homepage has been set to RS
Join Date: May 2006 Location: PoCo
Posts: 2,062
Thanked 551 Times in 141 Posts
Failed 84 Times in 48 Posts
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Originally Posted by murd0c | LOLOLOLOLOL!!!
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06-28-2009, 01:24 AM
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#149 | | Unofficial Tin Foil Hat Specialist.
Join Date: May 2008 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 8,150
Thanked 1,529 Times in 604 Posts
Failed 326 Times in 125 Posts
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I'm so going to hell for laughing at all the MJ jokes....
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06-28-2009, 10:27 AM
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#150 | | 14 dolla balla aint got nothing on me!
Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 668
Thanked 56 Times in 18 Posts
Failed 7 Times in 4 Posts
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whats the hardest part about rollerblading?
telling your parents you're gay
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