The Official No Need To Start a New Thread, Thread

[westopher]

Maybe it's because we have been together since we were young, so neither of us really had much when it all started, but it seems crazy to me when people can be in a relationship and there isn't an equality involved. Just seems like you're asking for resentment.

[supafamous]

Originally Posted by Gerbs

Do you think that past a certain age, people are very unlikely to find a partner, especially for kids? Seems like the majority of girls around me mention they'll be childless if they don't have a good prospect by 28 - 33. From what I see in my current friend groups between 27 - 31, only a small pool of folks who made their $$$ had kids, let alone are married. Almost none of the guys I spoke to are planning to have kids until at least 33 - 40. It sounds like everyone wants to give their kids expensive educational daycare, multi program sports, organic food, best school catchments, funding college, etc.

Knowing what I know now about my 40-something lady friends I'd say that if a woman wants kids they better be partnered up by the age of 35. It seems that the window between 35-40 is really brutal for women looking for a partner - the biological clock is starting to scream out loud and men can smell it and don't want to be "baby trapped".

After 40 it seems to get better cause the biological clock kinda stops screaming and you're pairing up with people who probably don't want kids either or who have given up on the idea. I have a number of 40-something couple friends who got together after kids wasn't an option and they seem like pretty healthy relationships.

I'm bummed for my 40-something single lady friends - I know some of them really wanted to have kids and I think they would have been amazing moms but finding someone just never happened for a variety of reasons. At least for men there's still a window to be an old dad (even if you're not George Clooney).

[supafamous]

Originally Posted by Badhobz

tangent topic:

a friend of mine and his wife are the exact opposite. He wants to split everything down the line 50/50. He'll keep tabs of how much he spent vs how much she spent and demand payback for the difference. Like he bitches about their mortgage and how she doesnt pay her fair share (shes unemployed right now).

Also, if he orders her mom some Amazon crap, he expects to be compensated back (even if its like 20-30 bucks).

Stuff like this seems super petty to me. I mean shes your wife man. Youre suppose to function as one unit not some fucking business relationship. Even when he takes her car in to get serviced, he wants her to pay for her own.

That's fucked up but also not that uncommon if you read the relationship/AITA Reddits - the men are the worst. Entitled little babies thinking they're doing their women a favour.

I also don't quite get (but understand) those who keep separate finances and pay into a shared account especially when one makes way more than the other. You're in a marriage, shouldn't you both have the same quality of life? Especially if you have kids? Like does one of you feed the kids the good ice cream while the other feeds them Western Family ice cream? Or one of you can take the kids to Disneyland while the other walks around the outside of the aquarium listening to the seals and sea lions?

I prefer to run the finances like that Starship song said, "We built this city on rock 'n roll (and shared finances)".

[EvoFire]

Originally Posted by supafamous

That's fucked up but also not that uncommon if you read the relationship/AITA Reddits - the men are the worst. Entitled little babies thinking they're doing their women a favour.

I also don't quite get (but understand) those who keep separate finances and pay into a shared account especially when one makes way more than the other. You're in a marriage, shouldn't you both have the same quality of life? Especially if you have kids? Like does one of you feed the kids the good ice cream while the other feeds them Western Family ice cream? Or one of you can take the kids to Disneyland while the other walks around the outside of the aquarium listening to the seals and sea lions?

I prefer to run the finances like that Starship song said, "We built this city on rock 'n roll (and shared finances)".

We have a joint account and separate finances. It's worked out for us to allow us to have whatever hobbies or luxuries without affecting the family. I do contribute more as I make almost double my wife, but we also discuss and negotiate some of the expenses that happen to make sure everything is on the up and up. Buy the M3 was coming out of my finances but it was a joint decision.

It's just whatever that works for your communication style and lifestyle.

[Gerbs]

Originally Posted by westopher

Maybe it's because we have been together since we were young, so neither of us really had much when it all started, but it seems crazy to me when people can be in a relationship and there isn't an equality involved. Just seems like you're asking for resentment.

I’d share the same resentment if you built that with your SO growing up since you’re young, grinding and sharing simple good times on free or cheap dates.

I feel as you build yourself up financially alone, it’s harder to find that mindset of what’s mine is hers when there can be massive gaps in finances due to smart life choices made in your late teens and early to mid 20’s. Live like a hobo, save, , avoid nose lattes, build your skills, invest your nest egg. That nest egg now feels like a baby of its own that you are hesitant to share so easily. I’m not sure how you break out of that mindset.

[Badhobz]

our finances are pretty much simple: I just give her access to everything, all my accounts, my emails, everything, and anything.

That way it's full transparency. I hide nothing and she has nothing to worry about. When i buy something i always ask, although sometimes i dont value her opinion (like the ratrolla which she adamantly opposed)

I always encourage her to spend my income because I think it's from an outside source (not from family money, or her investments). Yes, i technically "worked" for it, but shes my wife. Just having to deal with my insane ass should be compensated.
I dont know, maybe im old school.
Im the one who wouldnt even let her work. i think its beneath her to grind out a shitty pay cheque when she could be just enjoying her life. Why spend 8h doing some menial job when you can spend 8h doing whatever you want? It's not like she's idle either, she has to micromanage my shit, her family stuff, and take care of the household.

A lot depends on this tiny spy balloon and especially now that the folks are getting older. Lots of appointments and familial duties to attend.

[GS8]

Originally Posted by mikemhg

My GF is Filipino so I'm sure if all cards aligned she'd pop out 100 babies, I'm lucky reality also circulates well within her head. The life of freedom is quite alluring to her so we've settled on being DINKs. Considered freezing eggs just in case our mindsets changed, but it bloody hell it's expensive.

Sana alllllllll

Spoiler!

I'm a Jowa as well

Talking about older singles, it just reminds me of how shit, how absolute shit the dating culture is nowadays. I thank fuck everyday I'm out of it but also feel bad for those who are waist deep in it. Really is no surprise to have kids later when it takes 15 years to find the one rose in the pile of manure.

[Badhobz]

Originally Posted by Gerbs

I feel as you build yourself up financially alone, it’s harder to find that mindset of what’s mine is hers when there can be massive gaps in finances due to smart life choices made in your late teens and early to mid 20’s.

that could be it. A very accurate analysis of my friend's mindset.

Dont get me wrong hes not a bad guy, nor is he vindictive. Its just the way he's raised. He wants equality and thinks the other person should put up their fair share.

I get that, but i think he takes it a bit far sometimes. Seems like he's putting finances above her/their happiness.

[MarkyMark]

Originally Posted by Badhobz

our finances are pretty much simple: I just give her access to everything, all my accounts, my emails, everything, and anything.

Did she ask for this or you just gave it up voluntarily? Do all your text messages and phone calls get sent to her too? Does she do the same for you?

[SSM_DC5]

Hobz, the BBC pics I emailed you...... You didn't tell me your wife would see it too!

[Badhobz]

Originally Posted by MarkyMark

Did she ask for this or you just gave it up voluntarily? Do all your text messages and phone calls get sent to her too? Does she do the same for you?

nah it just sort of happened... i dont even recall when i gave her all my passwords
1) im too stupid and / or lazy to remember separate passwords
2) It gives us both a sense of security. I laugh every time she texts me WTF WHY DID YOU BUY THAT TRASH ON AMAZON!?!?! cuz her phone gets notifications of my amex card spending

Im not sure when it turned into this .. but out of all my relationships, this one is the most honest and open. Hell we've been together 15 years and i wouldn't change a damn thing. no secrets, no lies, everything is upfront and open. I love it. I also have access to her phone but i really dont give a damn where she goes or what she does; as long as shes happy.

[GS8]

Originally Posted by Badhobz

Im not sure when it turned into this .. but out of all my relationships, this one is the most honest and open. Hell we've been together 15 years and i wouldn't change a damn thing. no secrets, no lies, everything is upfront and open. I love it. I also have access to her phone but i really dont give a damn where she goes or what she does; as long as shes happy.

waddy41 has left the forum

[Traum]

My wife and I got married when we were in our mid-30's. While we were still at the dating stage, I knew I wasn't a spring chicken (or is that a duckling?) anymore, so I made it a point to discuss the kind of future that I would like to have with my partner-in-life. I also made subtle suggestions that if she wasn't onboard with having children in the future, then we'd be the wrong match for each other.

IMO this was one of the great things about dating in your 30's -- you are more mature at this point, and you don't flip out over this sort of thing. I can totally imagine how some of the girls I dated in my 20's would flip out if I told them that I won't marry them / we need to break up if she doesn't want the kind of future (family) life that I'd like to have.

In terms of division of work and family finances, we just do whatever is necessary. It makes more sense for me to do certain things than it is for her to do so, so I end up taking on those duties, and the same goes for her. My $$$ is my $$$, but it is also her $$$, and the same thing applies to her as well. I ask her for money when I need to, and she uses my credit card when she buys stuff.

At first, she thought I was being too spendy on my car stuff. I pushed back and assured her that my recreational spendings would never jeopardize our family finances, and she relented. Over time, she has come to see that participating in the car scene is something I enjoy tremendously, and that it is a big part of my leisure side, so she has pretty much turned a blind eye on me for that.

In turn, I don't ever meddle in her recreational spendings and activities. In fact, more often than not, I encourage her to do stuff more often bcos her sense of duty for her work is probably too strong for her own benefit.

As far as extracurricular things are concerned, our primary consensus is that we both wanted to ensure our kid would grow up having a good dose of exposure to his Chinese cultural heritage, so he gets put through the pain and suffering of having to learn Chinese lol~ When it comes to additional extracurricular activities, that is severely limited by our ability to take him to get those lessons. Realistically for working parents, I think it is insane to do more than 3 extracurricular thing during a normal week, and even with 3 things, it is still pretty difficult.

(For those who don't know, learning written Chinese is a major PITA, as written Chinese is inherently a very difficult language to learn.) Ultimately, I don't think he will be able to read a typical Chinese newspaper, but as long as he can read a proper Chinese dinner menu, I'd say our goal has been achieved LOL~

Originally Posted by Gerbs

What do you guys think are crucial conversations you should have with your partner on kids before getting married? We're entering this new era of having both parents being breadwinners so what's a fair way to split duties without resenting a partner. If one earns more do you guys think he/she should do more?

In the past, I noticed a trend where girls I've casually dated suggested they'll only want to marry partners that had the same mindset of raising the kids with extra 3-5+ curriculars, tutors, west side schools, detached homes for extra bedrooms, funding their post-sec, maid/cleaners/consistent babysitters etc. AKA giving my kids the best life, all of this costs an extra $1.2-2.5/month per kid. If they want 2 - 3 kids, you gotta be raking in at least an extra $4-6k/month to afford this lol. I feel like I'm too selfish for myself where if I had that extra $4-6K/month I don't think I'd want to pour it on my kids. But everyone says this will change once you have the kids.

Less than 1% of my friends have kids or are engaged, and those who do are fortunate enough be single income parents where the wife raises the kids. So y'all are the only one's with experience on this stuff for the next couple of years.

[PeanutButter]

RE: Kids

You should 100% talk about expectations in regards to starting a family, marriage, expectations, etc.

@GERBS, if you're dating women who say those things, I automatically think of girls from the crazy rich asians. You're definitely dating those types of Chinese women.

Having kids is f*********cked bro. You can not even comprehend the amount of stress children put on a relationship. If you or your partner have any shred of entitlement, are lazy, or lack compassion/empathy... You better have money for a nanny because if not, your relationship is going to be in trouble.

There is no such thing as 50/50 in a relationship. If you have a 50/50 expectation be prepared to be constantly disappointed in your partner and this will lead to resentment, 100%. I guarantee it.

When it comes to children you have to be selfless. Based on my friends with kids, the mother does the majority of the caregiving and they are usually better equipt to handle that role, probably due to evolution and biology. That being said, if the wife is also bringing home the bacon, it's not unreasonable for the man to help out around the house and with the kids. This may be different if the man is the sole breadwinner though.

If the women you date are saying those things, I would take that at face value and you better be prepared to provide that lifestyle. That's not to say that's a bad thing, if it works for you, then go for it.


Being a parent, we're always at family types of outings and I really hate to judge, but I do. There should be no reason to hit your child in public or yell at them in a derogatory way, yet we see this regularly. Bro, go to Science World on a Saturday and you'll find plenty of examples.

My ass was beaten when I was a kid (hand, coat hanger, feather duster, wooden spoon, etc.) and I always thought I would beat my kids. Now that I have kids, there is nothing they are doing now that is so egregious that I would have to beat them. You have to teach them, you have to shape them. My firm belief is that the child is the way they are because of the environment they grow up in. So if they're being a little shit, maybe parents should look at where and how their kids are growing up before they write them off as just being an asshole.

That is to say, I don't know if being a parent is for everyone. We need more kids for our population though... so I guess it's better to have kids than not?

[bcrdukes]

My kid is going to an East Van inner city school (think Britannia / Van Tech / Tupper / John Oliver) and if they make it out alive and graduate, they've earned some level of street cred because the beatings they get won't be from me.

[MG1]

What a beautiful sound this morning................. the sound of rain.

Much needed.


Having said that, drive carefully. Roads will be slicker than normal. Not the water but the shit that rises to the top. After 10 to 15 minutes, it's all okay.

Speaking of driving. It's summer and school is out, but don't go speeding through school zones just yet. Summer School is in session. Not all schools, but in Burnaby, look for the little sign below the usual School Zone sign. It'll read, "Summer School in Session."

I've seen people scream up the hill at my neighbourhood elementary school. Not 50 or 60. Saw one truck booking it up the hill at least 80 kmph.

[supafamous]

https://www.burnabynow.com/human-res...rs-say-7312173

On the topic of shared/not shared finances:

Joint bank accounts might be the spice of (married) life. According to the authors of a new research paper published earlier this year, couples who want their honeymoon to last longer might want to merge all of their bank accounts into joint accounts.

Relationship quality has been found to peak right around the wedding day, followed by a sharp decline over the next two years. We may colloquially know this as the “honeymoon phase,” but researchers have coined it the “connubial crucible” and the dynamics of a relationship during this period are fairly good predictors of long-term happiness and rates of marital breakdown.

Couples who were told to merge their bank accounts into joint accounts were able to avoid the decline in relationship quality during the two years after their wedding. Conversely, couples who were instructed to keep their bank accounts separate and couples who were given no instructions at all both exhibited the standard decline in relationship quality. (A substantial 72 per cent of couples given no instructions self-selected into separate accounts, and of the 28 per cent who chose joint accounts, most set up those accounts after the one-year mark in the two-year study.)

What is particularly striking about this research is that it is the first paper to draw a causal link between how couples set up their bank accounts and the impacts on the quality of the relationship. Prior research had already found that couples who kept separate bank accounts experienced lower relationship satisfaction and were more likely to break up than joint-account holders, but those papers showed correlation, not causation.

That distinction is very important. For example, while ice cream sales and shark attacks might both peak in the summer (correlation), buying ice cream does not cause more shark attacks to occur, nor do shark attacks cause people to buy more ice cream (causation).

The jury was previously out on whether joining bank accounts leads to higher relationship quality, or if people in better relationships are more likely to set up joint accounts. This paper shows that, on average, combining bank accounts leads to better relationships.

So what is it about joint bank accounts that can change the dynamics of a relationship? The researchers propose three potential mechanisms: improved feelings about money management, financial goal alignment and sustained adherence to communal norms.

Couples in communal-oriented relationships tend to provide support to one another because a partner needs support, while exchange-related relationships are characterized by providing support as a means of prepaying for future favours. The former is associated with better long-term relationships and a sense of shared responsibility and mutual support, encouraging a mindset of “we” rather than “me.”

However, while the decision to merge finances can have positive implications, it’s crucial to remember that every situation is unique. On average, merging bank accounts had a positive effect on relationship quality, but the authors caution that this doesn’t mean everyone should rush to completely merge their finances. In some cases, maintaining separate accounts can serve as a form of financial protection.

The paper’s lead author, Dr. Jenny Olson, notes, “We fully acknowledge that joint accounts may not be ideal for all couples. For example, partners entering second marriages, those with children from previous relationships, older couples – essentially, those with relatively more complex financial histories than first-time newlyweds.”

Alyssa Davies, author of the book Financial First Aid, adds that the entire goal of having a healthy relationship is to find ways to work as a partnership or a team. But there can be many valid reasons to have some degree of separate banking arrangements, and only using joint accounts can be risky.

“You are putting yourself at risk if something happens and you and your partner split up. It’s perfectly okay to protect your future or past self – if you’ve experienced something traumatic or like to have a sense of security in controlling your finances, that’s okay. And having a partner who gives you the space and understanding to work through this sort of financial trauma is important,” says Ms. Davies.

She suggests a partial combining of bank accounts can make a lot of sense for some couples. “You can share accounts and credit cards and still give yourself access to your own money, whether it be a personal emergency fund, or you each give yourself an equitable portion of your earnings as free spend money,” says Ms. Davies.

[Badhobz]

Originally Posted by bcrdukes

My kid is going to an East Van inner city school (think Britannia / Van Tech / Tupper / John Oliver) and if they make it out alive and graduate, they've earned some level of street cred because the beatings they get won't be from me.

pretty sure they dont do that anymore bro. Our "hood" has all been yuppified.
The only way to experience that nowadays is to drop them off in surrey or further. Even then, the surrey we grew up with (car jacking capital of canada), isnt the surrey of today.

[bcrdukes]

Wow, I am REALLY out of the loop on all things Vancouver!

[Badhobz]

this guy i work with has his kid in vantech. He says theres no fights anymore, no kids hanging around the stairs on the west side of the building smoking (you know where the adults drop off their kids?)

When's the last time you heard of a shanking in a high school? these new kids are much more tame than us.

[Hondaracer]

As if any of those schools were ever “rough” to begin with

What’s the average household value of someone going to John Oliver? 3 million? Lol

[Badhobz]

they were in the 90's and early 2000's. Heck, in my graduation year tech had quite a few dudes die from gang violence.

Dont forget most of these homes in the area were bought by immigrant parents that either waited on tables or washed dishes. Not nearly the same as the yuppies who are buying them up nowadays for 1.8m-2.4m for a Vancouver special.

[westopher]

There's still like half a generation left here of people who have 3 million dollar houses with a 60k household income. Not that it's necessarily a metric of how shitty the kids are gonna be, but definitely a driver of gang shit, theft and drug issues comes from inequality.

[MG1]

Britannia was never tough........ just under half the student body were made up of skinny chinese kids. The other half were guido wannabe's

Any trouble makers got sent to Templeton, then Van Tech. Van Tech was the breeding grounds of the worst of the worst. This, of course, back in my day.

JO was a "who cares," kind of school. Tupper had a bit of a bad rep. Killarney and Windemere, just like JO. Nothing came out of there. Gladstone was interesting, though.

Anyway, school is nothing like it used to be. The only school I knew of from the other side of the tracks, was Magee. Nuff said.

Then there was Notre Dame (private school). Damn football team. No fair. All that money thrown their way. Still, Brit gave them a run for their money.

Bruins vs the Jokers. We had Barry Houlihan. They had Lui Passaglia.


Addendum: I kind of take that back. Brit did have a portable for students with issues. Pregnant girls, drug addicts, basic, "headed to prison," types. They were placed in a portable as far away as possible from the "normal" kids. I think the class was referred to as 8J, or something like that. I don't even think they were mentioned in the yearbook. Speaking of yearbooks, I've gotta find my collection. Such great memories.

[Badhobz]

Originally Posted by MG1

Any trouble makers got sent to Templeton, then Van Tech. Van Tech was the breeding grounds of the worst of the worst. This, of course, back in my day.

hilarious, i love telling people i went to tech (to the horror of my poor wife)