[Confidential] ENTIRE family against you dating your SO

[El Bastardo]

The following post is from an anonymous member. If they would like to reply to any replies please pm me.


What am I supposed to do when my entire family hates me dating my SO? We've been together for almost two years, and in a close heart to heart talk with one of my closest family members today, I'm just lost.

My brother told me stuff I never knew, like when I brought my SO to meet some of my family members, they said that they didn't like my SO one bit, and they barely talked to my SO. They can't look past the fact my SO is from a different culture.

Then my brother says that I'm "naive" and my entire family thinks so, that I'm too easily won over, and that they all worry for me because of that. My family, especially my mom, thinks that my SO is taking advantage of me a lot of the time, and my mom worries for me a lot, and she's expressed that to almost everybody.

My brother says, from a 3rd person's point of view, in a way, they know my SO better than I know my SO myself, because I will always see them through rose coloured lenses, that I will always take my SO's side in an argument and not see things objectively.

I love my SO, but I don't want to lose my family. If I decide to spend my life with my SO, I know for a fact my family won't be there. If I choose my family over my SO then I lose out on a great person. I know that my family loves me and they don't want to see me hurt. All of them think I'm being taken advantage of, and its horrible but when they explain things to be sometimes, I kinda believe it and see it.

Me and my SO has had this talk before, about how my family isn't very accepting and nothing has really come of it... I honestly don't think anything will come of these talks in the future as well, until it comes down to the wire when marriage is the question.

I love my SO but I love my family too. I don't know how to approach this... please help me

[MaximalLazy]

I think you'd be foolish to believe that your family knows yours SO better than you. Your family will never leave you, you can bank on that!

[k3mps]

thinks that my SO is taking advantage of me a lot of the time, and my mom worries for me a lot, and she's expressed that to almost everybody.

Can you give us some examples or situations that led to them to this assumption?

for example: i lent her money to ______ , etc


Think of it this way: You are either going to marry the person you are with, or you two are going to break up.

You say your parents think your SO occasionally takes advantage of you, and that you sometimes believe what your family tells you...this kind of worries me because it sounds like those around you have a lot of influence on your choices and how you think

[Alphamale]

Is it a race issue?


LOLOLOLOLOLOL

[$_$]

What races?

That seems like it plays a pretty big issue here

[Teriyaki]

The race issue is still a very touchy subject. The older and more traditional the family members, the more of an issue it seems it'll be.

[6793026]

How old are you? I know age shouldn't matter but if you're 14 and living under family rules, tough luck. If you're 31 and you're Chinese wanting to marry a white guy, a ginger, a brown, a muslim, someone's that's gay.. whatever it maybe, if you're 31 and still can't stand up for yourself then that's a diff story.

I don't think family is a huge issue, say you get married, you're going to MOVE away from family, it's more like does my friend accept him is another more important question.

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the Anonymous member

Originally Posted by Alphamale

Is it a race issue?


LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Yes.

Originally Posted by $_$

What races?

That seems like it plays a pretty big issue here

South Asian and Chinese

Originally Posted by Teriyaki

The race issue is still a very touchy subject. The older and more traditional the family members, the more of an issue it seems it'll be.

Yes, my family is hardcore traditional, my grandma, who I thought would be on my side and more open, told my mom, "I can't stand the sight of that person" after she met my SO once...

Originally Posted by 6793026

How old are you? I know age shouldn't matter but if you're 14 and living under family rules, tough luck. If you're 31 and you're Chinese wanting to marry a white guy, a ginger, a brown, a muslim, someone's that's gay.. whatever it maybe, if you're 31 and still can't stand up for yourself then that's a diff story.

I don't think family is a huge issue, say you get married, you're going to MOVE away from family, it's more like does my friend accept him is another more important question.

I'm not 31, but I'm at the age where I'm in a relationship for the long run. I'm finishing up college next year and going to be looking for a job, then get married and settle down.

I don't believe that what my friends think is more important than what my family thinks, after all blood is thicker than water. I love my family a lot and they love me too. It kills me to know that they won't accept my SO because they're so stuck in their beliefs. My SO and I talked about it yesterday, and no matter how I tried to explain it, my SO isn't getting the fact that no matter what I say, do, or show, theres no way my family will budge.

Originally Posted by MaximalLazy

I think you'd be foolish to believe that your family knows yours SO better than you. Your family will never leave you, you can bank on that!

Maybe... they say that from a 3rd person's POV, its more accurate because they are unbiased. But in this case they are... I hope you and my SO are right that my family will stick by me... even if I run off with someone they hate with a passion

Originally Posted by bonestock

Can you give us some examples or situations that led to them to this assumption?

for example: i lent her money to ______ , etc


Think of it this way: You are either going to marry the person you are with, or you two are going to break up.

You say your parents think your SO occasionally takes advantage of you, and that you sometimes believe what your family tells you...this kind of worries me because it sounds like those around you have a lot of influence on your choices and how you think

yes, my family definitely has a huge influence in me, and I know it is because they worry about me. They say I'm very naive and it doesn't take much to win me over. I really just like to see the good in people.... I don't go around with my guard up and be suspicious of every thing someone does.

The best examples will be gifts. I'm a very giving person, and I like to spoil my SO with gifts, to express my love and my gratitude. My family thinks because the gifts my SO gives me are not of the same caliber, my SO is just with me so I continue to give them stuff. Same with dinners, they say I tend to take my SO to the nicer places, and when it comes to the opposite, my SO takes me to the more "economical" choices.

But here in my SO's defence, I was brought up differently. I've grown up being given the best, which makes me want to give my loved ones the best. My SO has worked for everything they own, from car to education and everything in between, and my SO knows how to save money, and not spend more than they can afford. I appreciate that and respect that a lot. And when I bring up these defences, my family will say I'm looking through rose coloured lenses to defend him and blah blah blah....

Even if I can't come up with what to do after all these posts... it gives me some space to vent and its great knowing that some people here will definitely be on my side and not say i'm wrong... thanks guys

[Mr.HappySilp]

Think of it this way when you grow old, who are going to be with your family or your husband?

Your family will still be there, but your are going to be living with her husband and start your own family. Your parents will adjust once you guys are marry. Yes they are there to protect you and worry about you but you know that's best for you. They don't like your bf is becasue they can't see pass the culture difference.

I told my ex the same thing when we broke up (same story as yours, family didn't like me for other reasons and she wanted break up coz of that). My exact words are "When you grow old who are going to be living with? Your parents, brothers, uncles.... or your husband and kids? Then leave. I am sorry but you are dating me and not your parents.

[MrGoodbar]

Originally Posted by Tachycardia!

The following is a reply from the Anonymous member

Maybe... they say that from a 3rd person's POV, its more accurate because they are unbiased. But in this case they are... I hope you and my SO are right that my family will stick by me... even if I run off with someone they hate with a passion

LOL WUT???

Let me say this: When you marry someone you don't just marry the person, you marry into their family. If your entire family doesn't like her it's gonna be rough on your relationship with the girl. Your family will always be your family unless you royally screw up and betray them. If you marry the girl out of love, I don't think that's anything that your family should disown you for.

To be honest, my parents didn't like my ex due to her family issues. Eventually their voices got into my head and I left for the good of the both of us based on cultures and values being completely different.

You've obviously spent enough time with him to know what he's like and I'm sure you're no longer seeing him through rose-coloured glasses as you used to when you two first went out. So if you're not feeling like he's taking advantage of you, then why is your family complaining? Your family is not objective on the situation at all and they ARE biased. There's no unbiased opinion when it comes to relationships. No matter who you tell your story to, there will always be one side to the story and the other side (both sides will have missing or extra information that the other side doesn't have)

Do what you feel is right. There should be an equal amount of trying from both partners, and if you're trying more than he is and he brushes you off, then that's the time when you should be making a decision. If it's your choice to spoil the SO, then that's your decision, your SO did not coerce you into doing this.

[melloman]

Meh, my grandma is traditional European.. thinks whites should only marry whites kind of thing.

But I've been dating my SO for 4 years now. She got used to it after awhile, it comes down to respect. If they are traditional, yet don't respect you enough for you to make your own choices, then that's complete bullshit. Tradition has to stop somewhere, and if they are making you feel uncomfortable TELL THEM.

Like everyone says, family will ALWAYS be there for you. Yet to me this sounds like it's more what they want for you. Not what you want for you. To me (no insult) but they sound like they are being 5 year olds.. they make rude comments because they aren't getting what they want. <--IMHO.

[Noir]

I've known of families like this; and despite all that "blood is thicker than water" crap, some families just need to be put in their place.

They say you're naive and your push-over qualities expose you to be vulnerable, yet your family is pushing you over and using the same vulnerabilities to place pressures on you to run your life for you (supposedly for your own benefit). That's BS.


Ultimately, you can keep 100% control of who you date based on who you GENUINELY like or you can relinquish that control and date based on who you think your family will like. Sounds like a decision of "should I make myself happy" or "should I make them happy instead."



Solution: Grow a pair.

[6793026]

You have a long way to go my friend. You're in your mid 20s at best. Just enjoy life my friend. When both of you grad, when both of you have jobs, when both of you buy properties, new shit will come up (as in a new gf / bf). Friends are great and so are family. YES, blood runs thick with family but I have seen some friends be as close to as a family member than any dipshit brothers / sisters would ever be. When you move out, you'll have less and less contact with your family. It's just life. (Unless you're one of those asians who have family give you money to buy a place).

what i'm saying is friends you see every week, msn daily, and chat when you have issues. you might go see your family once a month IF you're the good son that asks your family for a monthly or weekly dim sum.

Will you tell your friends about you purposing to your gf / bf, will you tell your family about you got your gf prego, will you tell your family about how you've cheated on your gf. As much as family is great, it's not uncommon to share much more with your friends than your family.

I honestly dont' think you'll spend 70 yrs with this significant other so just ride it as is and not let this thing get to you.

[underscore]

if you look at your relationship honestly and objectively and you're dating a good person and not being taken advantage of, then your family is being a bunch of jerks. Honestly if they can't love you and love your SO for making you happy, then they need to get bent, especially if it comes down to something stupid like race.

[SkinnyPupp]

What I don't get is how a family of assholes managed to raise a normal person. Well to be honest if you end up in a long term relationship with this person and sever ties with your dickhead family it might be for the better. If you think about it, do you really want your kids to be raised by people like that? You might have turned out OK but who knows?

Maybe it's better to become closer to your so's family, and leave your relationship with your own as a distant "because we're related" relationship.
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[SkinnyPupp]

And by the way, their attitude has nothing to do with "tradition". It's pure assholeness. No traditions I know involve automatically HATING people, except maybe Nazis and African tribes.
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[Culture_Vulture]

Suck it up.

Your relationships aren't always going to be perfect.
If you're letting something like this bother you, then perhaps you ARE too naive to know what's best, and what YOU want.

[Culture_Vulture]

One of my girl friends from high school (Filipino) dated an Indian guy. Her mom fucking hated it. Outwardly forbade it and caused all sorts of public commotions over the guy. The funny thing is, I've met the guy and he's probably one of the nicest persons you'll run into.

People just have these fucked up ideas about young people (particularly guys) from different cultures. Her mom thought she was going to get gangbanged and have her body dumped in an alley by his Indian posse (she actually said that).
Another friend was forbidden by his gf's father from seeing her because he was Vietnamese AKA a gangster.
People just believe in stupid shit. And if you're really serious about changing their perspective (and let's face it, most often times you won't be able to), then bring the SO over again and make your SO change their mind. You'll be able to see if your SO's really taking advantage of you or if they really cares about you enough to do that for you at the same time. Bam, two birds with one stone.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by SkinnyPupp

And by the way, their attitude has nothing to do with "tradition". It's pure assholeness. No traditions I know involve automatically HATING people, except maybe Nazis and African tribes.
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It's more prevalent than you might think. My wife is Japanese and she's experienced discrimination from her previous Korean exbf's family just purely because she's Japanese; regardless of how good a person she actually is.

I'm Filipino and I've seen discrimination by some Chinese families as they somehow view filipinos as low tier human beings in comparison to them; just because we clean your house

I've even observed Filipinos being discriminatoryagainst caucasians for being of liberal morals; which for conservative filipinos, they somehow label white women as loose.



In fact, in my years growing up, socializing, dating... the only people I've never experienced racism from are from white people/white families. Go figure. I never would've guessed I'd observe more racism from the people with fellow asian ancestry.

[SkinnyPupp]

Originally Posted by Noir

It's more prevalent than you might think. My wife is Japanese and she's experienced discrimination from her previous Korean exbf's family just purely because she's Japanese; regardless of how good a person she actually is.

I'm Filipino and I've seen discrimination by some Chinese families as they somehow view filipinos as low tier human beings in comparison to them; just because we clean your house

I've even observed Filipinos being discriminatoryagainst caucasians for being of liberal morals; which for conservative filipinos, they somehow label white women as loose.



In fact, in my years growing up, socializing, dating... the only people I've never experienced racism from are from white people/white families. Go figure. I never would've guessed I'd observe more racism from the people with fellow asian ancestry.

I still think you have to be an asshole not to accept people, rather than just 'traditional'. That is a bullshit excuse people come up with to justify that they are related to assholes

My theory anyway

[Gridlock]

SAo they are trying to save you from yourself, and provide the "true" perspective, but everything they say is from the perspective of her being of a different race.

So immediately, I discount all the great advice they provide, because even if you are naive, and spending shitloads of money on her, its a moot point. They don't care about that, they care that she is different.

Guaranteed, if you spent the same and did the same things for a woman of the same culture, you wouldn't be naive, you'd be doing right by her and treating her as she deserves to be treated.

I would stop talking about her with family. The thing that is going to happen, is all the negativity that surrounds her is going to wear off on you in some way. The goal isn't for you to break up with her because momma doesn't like her, its to get you to break up with her for some other reason, and the nagitivity is just fueling the fire.

Now-that said-I will say there is something for a little honesty. I was with someone for 6 years, and just once I would have appreciated a true opinion. The only one that actually said something was my estranged father, and although he has a lot of points in the not so hot column, I actually respect that he told it like it is.

The rest of my family waited until I had already done the deed...

[Meowjin]

race issues stupid

but if it isn't a race issue your family may know best.

[pastarocket]

Despite your family's resistance to your relationship with your SO, I think that family will support a family member in the end. Perhaps if your family and your SO had a little more time together to get to know one another, their attitude towards your SO will change.

-brings back memories of that Ben Stiller movie "Meet the Parents." In the end Mr. Focker didn't have to tell his in laws to F off. Things turned out okay for Mr. Focker.

[underscore]

^ some people are so racist, and such assholes, that they don't care. their hatred over whatever race can end up being stronger than their love of the relative.

[?NR]

it has been previously mentioned and it is great advice from all, just remember you are living your life, for you. Beas content and as happy you can be. In the end you will only have your chosen mate with you, going thru life's trials and tribulations together (hopefully).

I've distanced myself from my family because I believe the above as well. They can either choose to accept, and have me in their lives, or not. Life is short and it would be a shame and sheer stupidity to choose the excommunication choice.

Good luck, and do what your heart tells you, and never regret that choice for whatever reason.
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