Trust

[jameswift]

Often I hear about people saying that once you lose trust, you can never get it again. It is forever a tarnished and damaged.

I believe there are times however when you can rebuild trust. I am not saying it is an easy thing to do, perhaps to most of us, it's not something even worthwhile trying to do.

I will give you an example. A friend of mine had a very destructive relationship where his girlfriend had cheated on him at least a half dozen times. He of course broke up with her and then forever found it difficult to trust woman.

The hotter and more social they were, the more he would assume they were cheating on him, even if they were not. This is of course baggage.

Now move 7 years later and another friend of mine is dating this "Ex". I just found out recently during a dinner where I met them. He goes to introduce me to his girlfriend and I think it was written on my face. She also remembers me from way back being her ex's friend.

The evening went fine however her and I were looking at one another because we both knew about her past.

I speak with my friend today and I didn't want to stick my nose where it doesn't belong however I wanted to see if he would give me the green light to offer an opinion.

Before I could even say a hello, he explained to me he already knows about her past with my friend.

He pretty much told me that after they became an exclusive couple with the intention of taking things serious, she told him of the fact she had a boyfriend that she cheated on.

She explained that at that point in her life, she was immature and she took other men's attention as true affection that she didn't feel she was getting at home. She used it as a crutch to deal with her problems and ended up hurting herself and others in the process.


So the question becomes, is this a case where someone really did grow up, learn the error of their ways, and break a pattern?

This is an interesting situation because it's dealing with two points, the "once a cheater always a cheater" comment, and the whole "once someone breaks trust can it be rebuilt?"

The rebuilding of trust is actually with me. I am inclined to believe her even though a number of years ago there is no chance in the world I would have ever even considered something of the sort.

[Presto]

I don't think the girl really cares, or should care, what your opinion of her is, and your friend already knows about her past. It's not business that you should concern yourself with, unless your friend, specifically, asks you for help and/or advice.

[TheNewGirl]

I think you can rebuild trust but the key to it is the person who was 'wronged' has to be willing to let go of that. And that is where most people off the wires.

People tend to think the person who did wrong has to earn it back and so on, and to a degree that's true but if the person who was wronged (you in this case) isn't willing say 'alright lets start over' it's never going to happen.

In short - it's your problem not hers.

[dinosaur]

Here are a few things I think...

I think once trust is broken in a couple, it is done. I don't think you can go back or learn to trust that person again. Using the "cheating" example, if the relationship was solid from the beginning, why would there be a need to cheat. IMO, cheating only occurs when shit is bad....if shit is bad, what is the point of learning to trust someone again.

On the flip-side, I don't really buy into this "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing either. Once a cheater, always a cheater within that relationship, BUT out of that relationship, life is different. Every couple has a different dynamic and story so I dont think that if someone cheated in a past relationship, the are doomed to always cheat. That also goes the other way....just b/c the person has never cheated, doesn't mean they won't.

So, no...i do not think trust can be rebuilt but I think everyone gets a clean slate when they start a new relationship (well...for the most part. i tend to think once a wife beater, always a wife beater).

[miss_crayon]

All good points so far from the 2 above.

And for me, I know how you feel. It's almost like you can't fully respect/trust her because you know exactly what she did. One of my gfs..(well..not anymore) cheated on her bf multiple times and never fully owned up to her mistake of doing so. The situation didn't happen to me or anything so I tried to look past it...but in the end the lost of respect for her just did it for me. Not just because she cheated, but she never took responsibility for it (she still says it's her exbf's lack of "affection" that detoured her) and now has a stuck up attitude (another story). She feels the way she acted was justified and to me..cheating is never justified. Some people can argue that lack of affection/sex can lead to it but in her case..she (was) a hardcore christian, a virgin and never even kissed her bf. What kind of affection was she expecting??? (I know what you're all thinking..I am not lying).

Anyhow, back to the story..I think for this girl..maybe she did change and her reasons on why she did it could be very valid. But I know that once that feeling towards someone is tainted, it's hard to look at them otherwise. I think that..if your friend has no ill feelings towards her past..then you should just let it be. Have your skeptical feelings in the back of your mind but don't let it come between you and your friend. Plus, if you guys are good friends I think he'd be understanding to your feelings.


Edit: Oh I mean 3 responses, I took too long to type/think before Dino responded.

[saucywoman]

question.... did she tell the new boyf about her cheating before or after the meeting with you?

[Ri2]

Everybody has a past and I don't believe that we should let it define our future. I know people who have cheated (family and friends) and it was more to do with their personal issues and that specific individual relationship. I don't condone cheating in any way, but I do believe that if someone is considering cheating (or have already done it) that there is something going on with them as an individual and/or the relationship as a whole.

On a personal level, when I was 16, I cheated on my boyfriend of 6 months with my exbf (who I had been dating 2 years prior). I was young and that was a bad decision on my part. However, the relationship did end by me finding out that he also cheated on me and wanted to pursue a relationship with the other girl. That's just karma and even though I hated him, I accepted it. We had beef for a long time despite my acceptance (insert bitterness and entitlement on my part here). We talked shit out in 2009/2010 and we are now friends. I have not cheated on anybody since then nor do I ever plan to in the future. I am an adult and I took responsibility for my misjudgments in my past relationships, forgave his and moved on.

I think for any of us to judge another person based on their relationship with someone else is unnecessary and immature. Honestly, are we all saints? Are we expected to have perfect relationships from the minute we start dating to the day we die? Isn't there something that you've ever done in a relationship that you look back on now and are like "damn..maybe that wasn't such a good idea.." Maybe not physical or emotional cheating but even something like leading someone on, making someone pay for anothers' mistakes, etc. etc.
We are nobody to look down our noses at other people. Not for anything. That's just something that I believe in professionally and personally.

As for trust in a relationship, I believe it can be built back. If it was true that it couldn't, my parents would have been divorced a LONG time ago (coming up on 31+ years). The same with abuse and the like. While it's not likely that people who abuse others will change, there are the exceptions. My parents got married after 5 months of dating. My dad had a temper but so did my mom so they equally initiated physical fighting. The biggest thing here is forgiveness, my parents have had a long fucking journey together and in the end, they really realized that while they were both intense.. they're crazy about each other. They changed and have totally been like lovesick teenagers the past few years (now they are 50+ y/o).

Speaking of violent pasts, in my beginning dating days, I was also really violent.. as in cops would come and file a domestic disturbance violent. I had a temper and I wasn't afraid to knock someone the fuck out, didn't matter to me that I was 5'0 at the time and boyfriend was 5'11 almost 200 lbs. I haven't laid a hand on anybody since those days, and that's something that I'm extremely proud of. My temper has always been something that I battled with growing up (just too many feels, ya know?).
Like sure, I still have urges to clock someone out every now and again if they're really idiotic and I wouldn't be afraid in the slightest if they came at me, but I'm too old for that kinda shit. Plus, my patience has grown over the years as have my associating beliefs. People who hear about my past never believe me, because I'm such a different person now.

Life happens, people make mistakes, recognize they fucked up and change. Sometimes they don't. You'll never know until you give them the benefit of the doubt to begin with.

[yarachi]

"She explained that at that point in her life, she was immature and she took other men's attention as true affection that she didn't feel she was getting at home."

Being a woman myself. I concord with her above point. There must be a point of time in life where a woman is immature but down the road she will realize what she did was wrong. That is how people learn, from mistakes. Immaturity is in fact one of my biggest mistakes which I wish could have done better which is why you could give her a chance.

But It is up to you if you want to believe her. I think you need to give her sometime to think or make mistakes so both of you will have a better idea if you guys still need each other.

[toyobaru]

I believe trust with people is always earned and built upward, like a house..it needs foundation for it to stay standing. I believe going into a relationship the level of trust should be very minimal and then as the relationship grows it will mature. Despite her cheating in the past some girls do it because they have this constant thrill to be getting attention from other males while having the stability of having someone else to be with when there is no one (This probably is the same for men too). As for that everyone has baggage, its all depending on how well they carry it. Hopefully she has changed and realize she needs to look forward into a realistic future and that flings arent stable for it..

[BallPeenHammer2]

"once a cheater, always a cheater" statements are bullshit.

We go through life making decisions based on our maturity/stress/environmental levels at THAT time.

I've cheated. Once. In high school.

Did I enjoy it? No.

Have I ever done it again? No.

Will I ever? No.

Do the women I've dated, know it? Yes.

And at that point, is when I know THEY'RE worth keeping around, based on how they will or will not judge me for something i've done almost 2 decades ago.

[sweetiee]

Trust is definitely earned and built over time. There are people who can trust other people with no question, and some just are constantly paranoid about their partners cheating on them. How do you cure one's insecurities? One day they will drive you to the ground.

[2damaxmr2]

"Trust no one"
"Everybody lies"

[RecklessNS]

IMO, I do believe once trust is broken, it can always be gained over time but never around the same subject, for example, if you took my truck out and dented the side door and lied to me about it,
over time I will begin to trust you again but never with my truck. you can still go out with other guys and I don't care.
Just once you've broken that trust with someone about a certain subject, I feel that they are willing to gain your trust again but never put them in the same position that they can lose it again.

But this concept will not work with mini donuts, once you steal my mini donuts, you will die.

[Alatar]

Believe.

[Gridlock]

You can't judge a person based on previous relationships. First you aren't perfect yourself, and second, nobody is free and clear from any type of baggage.

Chances are, you've either broken up with someone making you an asshole in someone's eyes, or been broken up with, which means you were the problem in someone's eyes.

Dino and I know each other's ex's quite well. It doesn't even enter my mind that anything from her previous relationship has entered my own. It's done, its over...move the fuck on. Different scenarios at a different time affected the decisions we made, what we knew of ourselves and what we wanted to accomplish.

For this girl, who knows what caused her to slut mode, but she did. She will either continue to do so, or not, but simply stating "she will because she did before" is unfair.

[TheNewGirl]

Originally Posted by BallPeenHammer2

"once a cheater, always a cheater" statements are bullshit.

We go through life making decisions based on our maturity/stress/environmental levels at THAT time.

I've cheated. Once. In high school.

Did I enjoy it? No.

Have I ever done it again? No.

Will I ever? No.

Do the women I've dated, know it? Yes.

And at that point, is when I know THEY'RE worth keeping around, based on how they will or will not judge me for something i've done almost 2 decades ago.

Honestly, I don't believe anything in your High School dating history counts as soon as you cross the threshold of 21.

High School is the age where you're supposed to try on new roles, fuck shit up and make mistakes.

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

We are all the same. We are all capable of performing any possible action that can be performed by a human being. To think of ones values and actions as unique to oneself is foolish. Whether it is building a billion dollar company, being a great lover, a cheater, or a murderer. It's in all of us.

a series of events that lead up to the said action, could be applied to any human. an unlimited amount of combinations of events can be applied to every human being, and the result could be any of the above said.

You trust a cheater, because, you realise, you could just as easily be that cheater.

it's no different than giving a bum money. Compassion is given because as a human being, you are consciously aware, that in this crazy world, that could have easily been you.

the only thing someone has to do is come to the realisation of how their actions has affected others. Whether they keep doing it or not, is a completely different story.

I mean, to some, cheating isn't cheating, if both parties aren't possessive. So why is it cheating if only one party is possessive? What is cheating?

which brings us to the real question, what is loyalty?

would you rather have a "cheating" spouse, but they're always there for you.
or a non cheating spouse, but they're never there for you.

[Psykopathik]

only what they do when they are with YOU matters. everything before is meaningless.

[Ivan Petrovich]

sloots gonna sloot, rebuilding trust is a waste of time

[Marco911]

Originally Posted by jameswift

She explained that at that point in her life, she was immature and she took other men's attention as true affection that she didn't feel she was getting at home. She used it as a crutch to deal with her problems and ended up hurting herself and others in the process.

She's slept with at least 200 guys before getting therapy to figure out her "issue."