Mindset/Mental Wellness

[dhari]

Hey guys

I'm starting this thread for everyone to post strategies, experiences, videos, books, and any other material that helps your mindset. Recently this has been big for me and has helped my relationships and career.


Here are some resources that I used:

Book:Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*CK.
Personality:Gary Vee
IG: Raj Brar (mindset4success)
IG: Sunny Setia

[DragonChi]

Stoic Living

YouTube

Compassion meditation

YouTube

Gratitude excercises
https://www.youtube.com/watch?annota...&v=pdXUfcIeaWM

Vinyasa flow yoga

YouTube

Zen 24/7
https://www.amazon.com/Zen-24-All-Time/dp/0060778784

How to make friends and influence people
https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Frien...fluence+people

Just listen
https://www.amazon.com/Just-Listen-D...+mark+goulston

There are a whole bunch more, but those are some of the ones I've; read, watched, and practice.

PM for if you'd like some of the books in audio format.

[dhari]

Sweet! I've seen Stoic Living a lot lately. I shall take a look!

[Euro7r]

So long story short, my wife has all the symptoms of PTSD now. Ever since middle of last year, her health has gone downhill (physical, emotional and mental). It mainly triggered from trying to having kids for 2 years, and which has led to a spiral of other things along the way that has caused a wreck in our marriage. Right now she's moody, unmotivated, 99% negative mindset, gets irritated easily, the whole nine yards of PTSD effects. Aside from trying to have kids, the biggest trauma driver has stemmed from her mom (Asian) being super strict in her bringing up. She literally had no childhood (what normal kids get to experience), she was inflicted with verbal abuse and emotions neglected. Now fast forward to a grown up adult, she's realizing all the things her mom taught her what to do in life is now the things she doesn't even want or like. It's like trying to now unlearn everything you learned growing up.

She sees her psychologist/counsellor every quarter, but I feel sometimes it does more harm than good. Doctors have good intent to help you, but her psychologist would pull up all the things from her childhood on what makes her unhappy, and it leads to her "mom". So now all the fingers point to mom as a villain aka bad guy which so much resentment. Every day is like mom this and that, all the negative things she did to her to raise her. E.g. Never let her to go out, watch tv, always criticize every little thing she did (no love at all from when she was born until now). Mom only put food on the table and that was it, and only wanted her to go to school. Every day would have negative thoughts about different things.

Now as her husband, it's so hard on me mentally and physically. I feel unmotivated and stuck in life because my wife isn't my wife (like not the same person I once met), because she doesn't know her identity and who she truly is. She's lived a life for someone else's expectations for like 40 years, now to realize that's not whom she is. She's trying to figure out whom she is, which absolutely sucks because this mental illness stuff takes a toll on the marriage.

Has anyone gone through something like this, or know of anyone similar how to heal? She still goes out to see her friends, which helps keep her in check with friendship support circle (but that's really band-aid temporarily I find because after that, she's back to her usual). She brought up the idea of moving out to live independently for awhile to find herself back, but I've kinda fought against this idea as we are married. When someone is ill, walking away from your spouse isn't the most healthiest, so kinda stuck what to do.

[Traum]

I am really sorry to hear about your wife's condition. I remember the days when le wifey was showing some signs of (mild?) postpartum depression, and that was stressful for us to deal with. To make things worse, in the typical Cantonese MIL fashion, the well-intentioned but extremely poorly delivered (and completely unsolicited) "suggestions" only came across as cricitism at the most inopportune times, so it was poorly received, and only added to the depression issues. We've also had a friend who had been struggling with trying to conceive via IVF to the point where the IVF clinic was almost going to recommend against further attempts. It was painful to watch someone you care about close up and wither to a shadow of her former self...

In your case, how often do you / your wife maintain contact with her mother? From our own experience in dealing with the negativity of the MIL, it worked out better when we reduced the amount of time we interacted with each other. And when we did get together, I was always on alert to watch out for inappropriate comments from the MIL, and would step in to shut things down the moment something inappropriate is said. The MIL didn't like it, but I stuck to my guns and eventually she stopped doing it for a while.

It might be helpful if you can ensure the MIL isn't there (for now) to inflict any new injuries. But that alone is nowhere close to being enough since the bulk of the trauma is all pent up in your wife's psyche over the 40-year time span.

Is it possible for your wife to go on stress leave / short term disability from work? I think a person is entitled to collect EI (for stress leave) and STD benefits (for short term disability), so that should make the financial aspect a little easier to swallow. Not being required to work could also free her up and give her time to explore who she really is, or who she wants to be. But doing so will almost certainly require your wife to go through some sort of medical examination to establish the medical eligibilty to go on leave like that. (Would the physcholgist be able to certify her for that?)

Personally, I think including a rigourous exercise scheme is both useful and important to fighting mental health issues. There is a lot of clinical evidence to support the mental health benefits from exercising when someone is going through depression, but the challenge is maintaining the motivation to keep going at it.

Lastly, stress is well known to negatively impact a person's ability to conceive. So for your wife's sake, I think it would be helpful if you guys set aside your parental plans for now until she is able to sort out her identity traumas.

Good luck, and may God bless you two.

[Euro7r]

Originally Posted by Traum

I am really sorry to hear about your wife's condition. I remember the days when le wifey was showing some signs of (mild?) postpartum depression, and that was stressful for us to deal with. To make things worse, in the typical Cantonese MIL fashion, the well-intentioned but extremely poorly delivered (and completely unsolicited) "suggestions" only came across as cricitism at the most inopportune times, so it was poorly received, and only added to the depression issues. We've also had a friend who had been struggling with trying to conceive via IVF to the point where the IVF clinic was almost going to recommend against further attempts. It was painful to watch someone you care about close up and wither to a shadow of her former self...

In your case, how often do you / your wife maintain contact with her mother? From our own experience in dealing with the negativity of the MIL, it worked out better when we reduced the amount of time we interacted with each other. And when we did get together, I was always on alert to watch out for inappropriate comments from the MIL, and would step in to shut things down the moment something inappropriate is said. The MIL didn't like it, but I stuck to my guns and eventually she stopped doing it for a while.

It might be helpful if you can ensure the MIL isn't there (for now) to inflict any new injuries. But that alone is nowhere close to being enough since the bulk of the trauma is all pent up in your wife's psyche over the 40-year time span.

Is it possible for your wife to go on stress leave / short term disability from work? I think a person is entitled to collect EI (for stress leave) and STD benefits (for short term disability), so that should make the financial aspect a little easier to swallow. Not being required to work could also free her up and give her time to explore who she really is, or who she wants to be. But doing so will almost certainly require your wife to go through some sort of medical examination to establish the medical eligibilty to go on leave like that. (Would the physcholgist be able to certify her for that?)

Personally, I think including a rigourous exercise scheme is both useful and important to fighting mental health issues. There is a lot of clinical evidence to support the mental health benefits from exercising when someone is going through depression, but the challenge is maintaining the motivation to keep going at it.

Lastly, stress is well known to negatively impact a person's ability to conceive. So for your wife's sake, I think it would be helpful if you guys set aside your parental plans for now until she is able to sort out her identity traumas.

Good luck, and may God bless you two.

We've kept distance from MIL most of the times, but it's always the times when you do talk to her, nothing ever good comes out of it. When my wife purposely goes MIA to stay away, MIL will pound her with calls and messages asking if she is okay. Then my wife will need to talk to her because MIL always uses the manipulation like I'm going to faint, I can't sleep at night, I'm going to die, to get the attention. My wife always gives in because she doesn't really know if MIL is legit and wife has a kind heart to fall for this shit over and over again. The realization and resentment is crazy, I've never seen such a controlling psychopath. One of my ex's mom is a tiger mom, but even then she is not even to MIL extreme.

One time I called my MIL out and told her your kids are grown up ass adults, they gotta learn to take care of themselves, you can't baby them forever. She goes "well, they can figure out that out themselves when I die". Okay, now here we are, daughter figuring out her shit in life because MIL created this fucking ditch for her. When a kid never falls, they will never learn to get up and grow.

Time off work is probably something she isn't likely going to do because she enjoys being around people (extrovert), and not a stay at home/sit still type person. Right now she has some good friends she chats daily with, and also hang out often, so that keeps her sanity. We also go to church weekly, and she gets asked to help out here and then (she finds fulfilment in the validation/praise of others). Although church itself is one of those things where it can be good and bad at the same I personally feel. The people we hang with at church are all positive minded, so that helps keep her aligned on the positive mentality, but at the same time because of her trauma (she doesn't know if she enjoys helping out or doing it for the validation). Every week a struggle for her should I keep going or stop.

Thanks guys for the advice.

[donk.]

Euro7r, thats rough.

I hope it all gets sorted out sooner than later

[TOS'd]

I've dealt with/dealing with a similar situation as well. Best thing to happen was gf just straight up blocking her mom. Gf does have a sister who still lives with the mom, although the relationship between siblings isn't the greatest (sister is basically becoming a mirror of her mom), but at least we would know if any of these empty threats were indeed real. The only times the mom ever reaches out is to ask/demand money. Saying shes she needs money to pay the bills, yet she is going on all these cruises and trips with her friends. Always saying things like her kids were a burden and if she didn't have them she would have a much better life. So because she had them, they now "owe" her. I think the last time the mom was unblocked, I answered the phone and told her any communication with her daughter would be through me. All she did was yell about how she can't speak to her daughter and that she needs money for bills or else she has to sell the house and then become homeless.

Other forms of helpful things for her were therapy and support groups for daughters of narcissistic moms.

[Badhobz]

I think she needs to decide. Decide between the life she wants (with you) or keep repeating this horrid relationship with her mom. Which is self destructive to say the least.

She should just cut her out of her life and move on. Mom or not. It doesn’t matter, there’s tons of people who have horrible parents and the only way is to move on.

Both my parents are assholes. My dads some fruitcake artist who never made any money and my moms some enabling retard who resents my dad but cares too much about face to do anything about it. So instead she medicated her son with food and constantly talked shit about my dad to me growing up.

My solution ? Move the fuck out as soon as possible when I was in my early 20s and even to this day I barely see them once a month. Only to fix their bullshit tech issues or whatever. I feel bad for my parents but what can you do, can’t let these geezers keep me down or from living my life.

[Traum]

Holy good lord... if BIC_BAWS' last job was toxic, Euro7r's MIL is more toxic than that...

I agree with Donk, TOS'd, and Badhobz that you guys should just cut her out -- at least for the time being until your wife is well again. It doesn't matter if she is your wife's mom -- when she is bringing in that much negativity (toxicity) into your wife's life, it no longer matters who she is, and you guys need to get away from it so as to not get dragged down into that hell. I even have the best way you can get the message across to her -- you can tell her that if she is going to faint, or that she can't sleep at night, that she is going to die, she'll have to figure it out for herself and take care of herself. Her daughter is powerless to help her when she is having difficulty helping herself.

Personally, I would at least inform her about how you guys need to spend time away from her and not resume contact until your wife is ready to deal with her again. This way, you guys are not just ditching her bcos she has been informed. To do this, you would obviously need to get full buy in from your wife -- not doing so would amount to committing marital suicide.

If she enjoys being around people, then she should spend more time being around positive and supportive people. You'd also want her to spend time with people who appreciate her and her efforts. Being valued and appreciated like that is how we gradually build ourselves up.

[CivicBlues]

Two things:

She sees her psychologist/counsellor every quarter, but I feel sometimes it does more harm than good. Doctors have good intent to help you, but her psychologist would pull up all the things from her childhood on what makes her unhappy, and it leads to her "mom".

Is she seeing a professional who is umm..culturally compatible (i.e. Asian)? I don't have experience with this but I've heard from others its sometimes hard to relate to advice given by white psychologists who lack the cultural baggage you are describing about your MIL.

She brought up the idea of moving out to live independently for awhile to find herself back, but I've kinda fought against this idea as we are married. When someone is ill, walking away from your spouse isn't the most healthiest, so kinda stuck what to do.

No one else brought this up but this is a huge red flag to me and I would nip this in the bud if it were. Is there any indication she maybe looking outside of the marriage for support (i.e. Emotional cheating if not plain old cheating?)

[SkinnyPupp]

If she's talking about splitting up, under any pretense, it's probably time to have a serious discussion about the topic

[Traum]

Agree on the cultural compatibility / cultural understanding part about the psychiatrist that CB brought up. Dominant / manipulative parenting is one thing, but the nuances between different cultures can still be a huge difference.

Originally Posted by Euro7r

She brought up the idea of moving out to live independently for awhile to find herself back, but I've kinda fought against this idea as we are married. When someone is ill, walking away from your spouse isn't the most healthiest, so kinda stuck what to do.

When I first read this, the only thing I thought of was that Euro's wife just wanted to be alone and spend some time alone all by herself to clear her head and figure things out. The thought of splitting up (from the marriage) has never even crossed my mind. But now that it has been mentioned, I suppose it can't be ruled out either.

Of course, I don't agree with Mrs. Euro7r's suggestion to move out either -- being unwell -- physically, mentally, and emotionally, as Euro has said -- is precisely the time when someone needs the most support she can get from the people around her, even though the person might think otherwise. But beyond making that point, I don't think I'd be qualified enough to make any suggestions to anyone other than myself.

[whitev70r]

I think your spouse is doing all the right thing for self care - counselling, friends, drawing boundaries, community involvement. And yes, there comes a time in which for your own well-being and sanity, you prob need to draw a very hard line/boundary.

Here is another angle from systems theory. Premise: we are all affected by other peoples behaviour towards us. What your wife is experiencing is the toxic overflow of your MIL (obvious). So far, all 'helpful' suggestions have been offered for your wife for self care or mental wellness. Is there anything you can do to stop this upstream? What is the issue with the MIL and is there any gentle ways that you (or any one else in the system of relationships, FIL, another sibling, uncle, aunt, etc.) that can help MIL deal with her stuff. Now she is not going to willingly want to go to therapy herself so you will have to be subtle and creative. If you watch Joy Luck Club, you know that our previous generation has had to deal with crap so MIL is reacting out of her trauma/upbringing. I have found that if you can bring a smidgeon of peace or wellness upstream, then it lessens the toxic downstream that a person spews out to those around him/her.

So think about what are MIL's fears, concerns, anxiety, trauma, feeling of being treated unfairly, etc. Don't be fooled by her immediate requests or demands of more time, more money, etc. Those are the 'iceberg' part above the waterline. Try to uncover the thing below the waterline and find creative & subtle ways to address those. This is only if you feel remotely inclined to or have energy to invest in helping MIL find her inner peace.

[68style]

I might be making some assumptions here, but you guys nee to have a hard talk.

The moving out thing I agree with CB is a massive red flag... like as in part of "finding herself" is realizing she wants to be single and free and not confined by anything.. I feel like depending how that was said there's some coded language where she possibly doesn't want to be the bad guy but she is going to be okay to stoneface your marriage into the ground until something irreparable is done and/or you leave her so she can finally mire in all the self pity she seemingly has for herself.

I'd tread carefully my friend, but at some point you should ask her where she wants to go in this life and whether or not it's together. This isn't your fault.