I think most people here are on to the right track, comparing to others whether it's in a relationship comparing to someone's other partners or just sitting on your own comparing to people around you... or what you see of them anyway which is very limited and designed to show them in the best light... you're basically piecing together a monster in your mind from little factoids and either way it is a quick path to depressionville and poor mental health.

Goodness knows I've got a truckload of failures I can look back on if I wanted to at my age, but as the saying goes man who drives while looking only in rearview mirror crashes into parked E46....... or something like that??

Seriously though, if you ever want to chat you have my number and I'm not currently working, just give me a shout any time day or night if you're feeling poorly or wanna run something by a third party that maybe doesn't know you super well but probably been down a similar road at some point. I can always make time for you sir!

I'm shocked by the amount of people who are depressed and are on anti-depressants or ADHD med. Feels like 1 in 6 are on anti-depressants and 1 in 4 are on adderall / vvyanse

I imagine it helps a lot of people get by. Some people are so out they can't even get to the point of seeing a doctor and using medication, and stay stuck for decades

Try and remove the financial and work portion from your self reflection for some times. I know that's not easy, as so much of our self worth comes from that, but really concentrate.
Do you have people you truly care about, people who truly care about you?
If so (which I know you do) think of the reasons those people care. Do you make them laugh, do you listen to their problems, do you pick them up when they are wasted and can't get a cab?
Try to show yourself the same care and respect as they do. Love yourself for the reasons people celebrate you and celebrate yourself for it as well. Tell people you care about them and see them smile.
At the risk of oversharing, I've been to therapy, I've been depressed, I've been medicated, I've been addicted to plenty of drugs, I've been an alcoholic, but I've always found solace in the real relationships I have with people, and that's not just my partner at the time, but my family and friends and even random people I have had any meaningful interaction with.
Human interaction is the meaning of life.
Honestly, sit down with some friends or a friend and lay it out in person. Catch up, talk about everything good and bad, turn your phone off and just connect. You'll feel refreshed.
I can't stress this enough, therapy can be a lifeline when you need it, but vet your therapists for a real connection. I've had some where I just leave feeling like I went to a psych 104 class and that's an easy call to find someone different.

For me, it's people with compassion and integrity. People who are generous: with their energy and their patience, and make an honest attempt to help others be better off.

Fwiw, it's what I see of you and most other folks on here.

Like Hobz said, the reality is there is no truer success or failure than the one we have in our minds. The most powerful thing we can have, is control over our own goalposts, and not have someone else deciding that for us.

Setting those goalposts in a way that we give ourselves a break on things that are done and decided (which we can't or shouldn't change), but also so that we challenge ourselves to do more and better with things that are or will be upon us.

This was huge for me as well: I didn't manage to really grow until I ventured out there to give myself a shake.

@BIC, if you're not currently attached right now, then a huge upside of that would be the ultimate freedom to just pack up and move somewhere totally different :D.

This.

I think a lot of dudes and more so the older ones in our generation never actively seek help. Whether mental or physical. You’re suppose to do it all and do it without complaining. You never show weakness

Men’s mental health have generally been overlooked for years and years and especially Asian men. Culturally this is frowned upon for Chinese people. You never say you’re mentally degrading.

You can talk to us, but I would suggest you seek professional help and see if they have any answers. Don’t be afraid to look down that path as well. Sometimes it’s medical and you might just have a chemical imbalance.

THIS
People that actually have rewarding lives do it by making those around them have the best experiences they can. Being fuckin nice to people that deserve it, and even some that don't is the most valuable thing anyone can provide.

Dude Vyvanse totally changed my life for the better

Thank you to everyone for their thoughtful and in-depth replies, you guys have no idea how much I value these kind of replies. I read every single one throughout the day, there's a lot to unpack here and I believe in equal energy, so read my replies or don't. Not going to quote all as there's overlap and it's not that I don't value your opinion or feedback. I'm way beyond oversharing at this point so this gonna be lengthy and messy. (TIL there's no word count limit... good luck everyone. I'm on a 2160x3140 monitor with plenty of screen real estate)

While Dukes was half joking, I would categorize RS to be high value people - whether that be ballers (everyone's a baller in here) or people that have meaningful relationships. Hell I've met most people in this thread, and I can wholeheartedly say when I imagine a "high value individual", it's you guys.

There are two ppl here that I have basically "grown up with", I have so much admiration for them because I feel like they made it. They have the relationships, the friendships, the job, the money, the housing, and the experiences. I am envious but I know they both worked really fucking hard to make this happen. Props to you guys.

I (logically) know that comparison is bad and I know that there are a lot of people who have it way worse. But I think the "suck it up and deal with it", is the reason why I'm here now - it's not really dealt with just ignored.

To preface everything, I am in no way a positive benchmark for good financial decisions. It's all bad but tracking makes me feel normal so fuck it.

When I made this post, my definition of an high value individual isn't based off what social media says - material and monetary items - it's a whole package as person.

OTOH, the above is quite accurate to would like to see for myself to be a "high valued individual". I have experienced entrepreneurship so I know it is possible. I can't have it all (looks max), but I can have most of it. I *could* have gotten there, but it's now no longer possible due to mortgage obligations. I believe this is why I'm so disappointed with my life

Hell, had I not been greedy with HULK.V, I could have hit NW value at 24. This is a bit more complex as you know, but I guess I only lost M3 ICBC payout money (funded by COVID savings lol).

While I appreciate the props from all my bros here, it wouldn't be fair to say that I have all those things. I know that I'm incredibly hard on myself, but that's for the reason that social media paints a one side picture. Those that know me, know that honesty is one of my core values. I don't want to set the connotation that I'm whining about how shitty my life is but I "have" all these nice things. I don't have all these things, they all come with asterisks.

Facts:

I own 33% of a single detached house in the GVRD AND still live with my parents. I pay 50% of the mortgage, mom covers the other half, dad takes care of other regular household expenses. Emergency expenses are split 33% each as I strongly believe in equal. Context in spoiler.


I drove old BMWs and M3s, and now I drive a CTR that the bank owns and I just missed a payment on. Might get repo'd lol.

I don't have disposable income, I have a solid $92.48 in the bank right now. It's the only thing that makes me happy so I'll just put it on the LOC. That's how fixing my car post-track crash got funded. In previous years, I just made it work and I have no idea how.

I don't necessarily tie work to happiness, but I enjoy taking ownership of things at work and I do take on a lot because I believe in doing things right and meticulously planned out. I know I do an outstanding job and I can't get fired.

I was at my happiest when I was building businesses. I can't do that anymore because mortgage requirements make it very difficult for self employed/small business owners. So I have to be employed for someone else, in order to have my mortgage.

Not attached, attached to my burden of this house and familial commitments. I can't leave. I would love to. But it's not in the books.

Relationships

I assume that's what you mean by attached. I haven't been on a date or even talked to anyone in 4 years because I don't feel like I'm good enough or am a reasonably happy person to be around rn. I have all this familial baggage and debt that I'm carrying. I don't want to date and burden someone else with that. Like I see it as, these are my circumstances and it's what I have. So it is what it is. We don't all get what we want in life.

All yours. Haven't got laid in 4 years, hookup culture isn't for me, and well the rest is explained above.

Travel (read: Escape)

I don't have an interest in travel; I never had vacations or general travel growing up. I dream about what AstulzerRZD and RabidRat have experienced - the growth from putting yourself outside your comfort zone. I have seen first hand how much AstulzerRZD has grown since hs and each phase of his life in whichever city he's in at the time. It's fucking impressive.

I always dream about moving to Toronto, Calgary, Australia, Seattle, but I know I can't because of the above familial circumstances.

New Car

I wouldn't normally buy a new car. Hell, I've only had 15+ year old cars prior to the FK8. I purchased it used in 2021, when all car pricing was fucked, so at the time it made sense. My justification was that I spent so much money on the 330ci to get it track prepped, for it to be marginally faster than a FRS but drives significantly worse. SOOOO i might as well spend more on smt out of the box. Plus I can't get rid of track, it's the only thing that keeps me going year after year.

Finding Joy In The Little Things/Human Relationships

In my OP, I mentioned that my friend commented on my self growth as an individual that I'm blind to.

Despite not being a holiday person my entire life (childhood trauma or w/e new term?), last year I made the intentional effort to express gratitude to those around me that appreciate me. I think as we get older it's important to be intentional with your efforts.

As a result I did a few dinners last year around Christmas to celebrate those around me, despite my ongoing financial burdens, and it did make me happy. Selfish, isn't it? Doing things for others because it makes me happy.

Idk why I hold myself to an extremely high standard, but I think it's because expect a high standard from others, thus I should meet the same. I absolutely hate hypocrites and I refuse to be contradictory. It's hard for me to give myself grace when it feels like I'm not enough. I try my best to make others around me happy because frankly I'm not and if I'm forced to live then I might as well spend this time adding to other people's lives rather than taking from it.


Everything else below is kind of out of order.. oh well.

Well life insurance wouldn't pay out on suicide.. but if it's fine if I died today. At least my parents won't have to worry about the mortgage, my policies will pay it off. I'll die without having experienced "true love" (or have had a lot of sex) but I know my friends love me, so that's good enough. Can't win em all.

I think this is why I'm so unhappy. I was so happy being an entreprenuer in my early 20s, albeit no debt or burdens.

Lowkey... I kinda miss that shitbox E36... but I have zero purpose of having it haha. It's not a daily and it's not a track car.

I don't actually spend that much time on social media.. well I post stories.. but don't watch many others LOL. But I know what you mean, social media and brain rot is actually fucked.

Yeah this isn't what my life looks like. I have a 45-1.5 hr commute daily, it's fucking awful, and lowkey making me a racist.

It's work. Go home. Smoke a bunch of weed to put up with the bullshit at work and what I call "life". End up in a deeper hole. Watch some porn to help me fall asleep (yes porn addiction is real and probably causing some of my probs too). Go to sleep. Repeat.

I have zero interest in dating (or pussy) bc I haven't been great to be around - I'm miserable.

Exactly. I make 60K lol. And honestly who the fuck am i gonna date with $90 in my acct lol

That’s a lot of pressure for a young buck. Jesus Christ.

I know it’s not your parents fault and you are just trying to be the good son by providing them a detached house to live in as a reward for all their years of hard work, but if making these payments are robbing you of your life, you might need to step back from the brink and reassess the situation.

Would they entertain moving to a place with a bit less Asians like Calgary ? But where you don’t have to fork out 1.8mil for a house ? You can get a decent place for 700-800k and that way you’ll have way less stress.

If that’s not an option then you need more money. Period.
This is a lot of stress for a young guy like yourself and really in Vancouver there are only two real avenues to make money.

Trades or marriage. Either marry a rich bimbo or get into a lucrative trade.

The first few years of trades is gonna suck but then youll be 100k shortly. Like I’ve said to you at that dinner. Both CN and CP are constantly looking for conductors. They start at 80k and there is a 10k signing bonus. If you need help with studying or tips for being a conductor you can call me anytime.

Is it a good job? I say so. I enjoyed working with my brothers. The only caveat is it’s dangerous and the hours suck initially. If you’re not careful you could lose a leg or your life.

As for marrying into money, lots of China woman money floating around Richmond. Hell if you wanna come work out with me at the gym, you can date this Ferrari suv chick who’s trying to fucking feed me food and get me to go over to her house.

—————

Seems like a lot of your stress stems from you trying to keep this roof over your family. That kinda shit isn’t easy especially for someone your age.

You being this miserable is also affecting your pussy game. You losing interest in the chase because you’re stressed. Once you fix that big powder keg problem then your disposition will
Improve and the pussy will cum-ith.

Would have to agree with Hobz in regards to the living situation. If your current arrangement is robbing you of happiness and freedom in your life because you’re handcuffed to it, might want to reassess that situation because it sounds like it isn’t bound to change in the next 10/20 years. That’s a long time to essentially commit to that arrangement and as you said, you need to live that same way in order to maintain payments, etc. sounds like you’re turning into what you didn’t like about your dad growing up?

Maybe there isn’t a better solution given cost of living etc. but there are always options, might have to think outside the box, get your parents into a Coop, etc.

confirmed badhobz's life is basically a romance dating manga

K, I feel shitty now being so snarky yesterday without knowing the whole story. Sorry you're having to go through this BIC BAWS, your 20s should be a time to discover yourself and find out what the world has to offer you. I say SHOULD because there's so many that didn't/don't have that kind of privilege and those that do rarely see outside their bubble. It sounds to me like you're in a real tight spot.

DOn't really have any sage advice to give you but seems to me you're taking on yourself the weight of the world and you're trying to fix everything in your life at the same time. This is overwhelming I can only imagine. If money issues are your biggest concern, can you focus on that? Promotion, more education, entrepreneurship, whatever you need to get you ahead if that's what you deem a priority. Hyper focusing on what your friends are doing and/or chasing pussy is probably not what you need right now.

Also your brother moving to the US for a tech job, can he not help out more with the mortgage? Doesn't seem like it's fair for you to shoulder much of the family expenses. I can relate tho you're probably the first born and you think it's your responsibility to take on this burden. But you're still young (late 20s?) and although it doesn't seem like you are anymore you still have a ton of life experiences ahead of you. You are your own person with your own wishes and dreams, not a productivity robot. We also don't live in Asia anymore where this BS first born burden is ingrained.

Also if you're having thoughts about suicide or ending things hoping that it'll make things easier for your family...it won't. Please talk to a mental health professional. We're all gunning for you. Good luck bro

Thanks for sharing.

You need to either cut cost or make more money or both.
1. We're all car enthusiasts and hurts to say it but you need to sell your CTR like yesterday and get an appliance car. Don't tank your credit score for an expensive hobby.
2. I don't know your education/skillset or what the circumstances were that you had to shut down your businesses but you cant survive on 60K with your responsibilities.
3. Might have to explore selling the house if it appreciated in value. Like Hondaracer said, your parents can qualify for a co-op or a low income housing and it'll set you free financially to focus on yourself.
4. Move to Alberta... depends on the individual's skillset/desires. The job market there is hit or miss.

I thought the mortgage was at a crazy low interest rate?
Probably doesn't make sense to move if you're in at 800k at like 1.3%

The car purchased in 2021 is probably also a lower interest rate (3%?).
Again, you could sell it but unless you buy a total beater it doesn't rly make sense.
The best new car deal I can find rn is ~500/mo taxes in on a Equinox EV.

Not much cost to cut here other than selling the FK8 and driving the Civic but need to boost income/earnings.
Bro sending money back (depending on timeline) can help with the short term pain.
Once there's a bit of room to breathe, I do see a longer term horizon change that starts with physical/mental health + finding more positive male and career leadership.

Mortgage was at 3.99%, now at 5.99%. Current owing is around 600K? Idk my mom takes care of that I just make sure I pay into our joint. Her goal is to clear another 300K by 2028 at which point they'll retire and I will have to take on 100% of the mtg, which is fair bc she's doing double payments now. And it should be more feasible at 300K mtg in 2028.

Car is at 3.99% and I think it's not worth selling or switching. I'll keep it forever.

It's only one payment... This year. RBC is pretty forgiving so there hasn't been any hits on my credit.

Car payment is more of a cash flow issue this month.

I need to cut down on eating out and honestly track days. I did 6 this year.. all fire sale but still.

The beauty of social media (or RS) huh... This is why context is important to me and being transparent. I have no qualms about giving the full story and if someone wanted to look in post history, it's reflected there as well. Plus, here it's easy enough to scroll past if you don't want to read it. I wouldn't post this on my personal social media.. ironically.

I don't actively want to commit suicide... I think committing suicide is selfish and a cry for help. I'm saying if I happened to die, it is what it is. Some people are so scared to die, I'm not. I'm living what I can now, but lately in the past year minus the few track days it feels like I'm not really living so it's all the same to me.

I wouldn't attempt (as an adult) because I would feel guilty that I'm burdening you guys, my friends and my family for not seeing the signs and doing something about it.

I should rephrase and shouldn't joke about it because it is difficult and I don't want to diminish those who have attempted - successful or not.

FK8 was a smart move, solid depreciation curve means you do have an out by selling it if you really want

It's amazing for work and but it limits the extremes of ups and downs. Which makes me feel mellow but I can do a weeks work in 1-2 days :ilied:

I feel like I can take a step back and really think critically/make good decisions on it

but also need to have my days where I can just do whatever / sleep

I think adhd and anxiety meds are gonna be the next drug that we find out really fucked our health in the next 20 years (I'm on anti anxiety and it helps immensely so this isn't some judgement btw) but I'm sure certain drugs like adderall and shit are going to come with serious implications for circulatory health and these SSRI meds are going to have some sort of dementia related implications.
Adderall is just diet cocaine and SSRIs are just diet ecstasy lol.

@BIC_BAWS:

You're in a tough spot for sure. That's hard :(.

I dunno man. Agree with others that something's gotta give. Either you pivot on liabilities to reduce your cashflow burden, or you make more money. If you feel like the latter is absolutely not an option, then I think your remaining path is to downsize.

I'm guessing you've got enough equity in that house to be able to buy a townhouse or a condo outright for your parents + brother to be in comfortably? Or at least, you'd significantly lower mortgage payments on a TH or condo.

Does that then give you the breathing room you need to live a more sustainable life?

I get that financially speaking there is supposed to be a "bigger payoff" from owning a detached house, but it's also costing you guys significantly to be under this much burden. In a quantifiable way: opportunity cost of not being able to be in a higher-income career. But plus also the mental toll on you, which sounds horrible.

Don’t think anything you have to take consistently has a positive impact on your health

One thing I'm learning as I get older. Anything habitual either has a large positive or large negative effect on your health. Maybe both, but never neither.

i have mild adult adhd and tried vyvanse, but it gives me a massive headache at 20mg. i even tried 10mg and it still gave me headaches, so i stopped.

it's definitely a strong stimulant and makes you feel like you're on coke or something without the sketchiness. for me the benefits were not really there even despite the headaches, and with the headaches it was in no way worth taking. my friend who takes adderall said for him it makes him feel like superman and it completely changed his life. thing is i would have never even thought he had adhd before he told me about it, especially not in a severe enough way that meds would help him that significantly.

Dont we all have ADHD/ADD....

Put any 50 adults into a room, 48 of them will not last 30 seconds without checking their phone every 5 minutes