1. You need a university degree (BA/BSc/BComm/BBA etc.)
2. You need a company to sponsor you in order to work in the US.
How bad are your chances in finding employment? Very bad. You have absolutely no chance unless you fulfill the requirements I listed above.
If you worked illegally down there and somebody rat you out or US CBP cracks down on your case, be prepared to get deported and blacklisted from the US for a very long time.
And cheap property in San Fran?
