[Psykopathik]

Some doctors liken it to a tree trunk. Others to a length of anchor rope. And still others compare it to a barber's pole. Whatever it's true dimensions, Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is stuck with a gigantic penis, and science can't help him.

Diagnosed with Phallumegaly (bigness of penis) at a young age, Lorenzo von Matterhorn grew up without learning how to ride bike... without being able to play little league (protective cups are too small)... without being able to feel comfortable in a locker room or a regular pair of shorts. And it looks as though he'll never be able to enjoy those everyday pleasures.

Recently rejected for yet another risky penis reduction surgery, Lorenzo is lost. Medical professionals are afraid to operate on his Neanderthal club-sized penis out of a fear of massive blood loss. "When you've got a cannon like Lorenzo's, the risk inherent with an invasive procedure is simply too dangerous," explains Dr. Emily Granverse of Institute of Phallumegaly. "I'm afraid Mr. Matterhorn will just have to stumble through life with what seems like, in many respects, a third femur."

Lorenzo will have to wait for what might be a long, long, long time.

ahahahhaha! "Extremities Quarterly"