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A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big…….I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the Barbecue grill.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.
“Yes, I was right………your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!”
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?”
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Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.
Little Johnny says, “Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?”
“Can you touch your butt with your penis?”
“No,” replies Little Johnny.
“Then, you’re not big enough,” explains the grandfather.
A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.
Little Johnny then asks, “Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?”
“Can you touch your asshole with your penis?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“Then, you’re not old enough.”
Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, “They look good, can I have one of your cookies?”
“Can you touch your asshole with your penis?”
“I most certainly can!” says the grandfather proudly.
“Then go fuck yourself… these are my cookies!”
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Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two women & take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The 1st dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again! One, two, three, uh,” all night long.
In the morning, the 2nd dwarf asks the 1st “How did it go?”
The 1st mutters “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”
The 2nd dwarf shook his head & says “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.”
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One day , at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn’t reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends.”
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