not sure if repost.
so Jack and Jill are watching a tv program on emotions. the host talks about how it's rare to hear something that makes you both happy and sad.
the man says "Jill, that's a load of crap, i bet you can't do that".
Jill replies "out of all your friends' you have the biggest dick"
Jill: Jack, how did you AIDS test go?
Jack: It went fine i guess.
Jill: Are you sure?
Jack: I'm positive
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."