[dinosaur]

So this topic has been covered in the past and I wrote a long response, so I will try to give the cole's notes version.

In my life, I have been in 2 serious, long-term, marriage-type relationships (one was 9 years and currently almost 4 years). I have lived with both and moved in within a couple months of dating for both. I do not think that living together plays a part in the loss of sex drive. I think it has to do with chemistry.

Let me preface this by saying that, yes- work, family, friends, money, health, other stresses, weather, etc can ALL effect the amount of sex you have with your S.O. Issues like these come and go and sometimes it is like riding a rollercoaster. Sometime she is up, and you are down...sometimes you are up and she is down. When you have a serious relationship, this is all apart of the deal.

Now, chemistry can mean different things. You can have great conversations, lots of laughs, similar interests and goals, etc chemistry...it isn't always about having that "I want to rip your clothes off and fuck you on the coffee table" type chemistry. But some times when one type of chemistry suffers, it takes the other one down......or it could mean that you are either "friends" or "fuck buddies".

You need to have both (IMHO) to have a well-rounded great relationship. Now, these don't always need to be perfect all the time, because lets face it...there are a lot of variables.

With my first relationship (9 years), I was that girl. Sex was fine for the first 6 months-year, but after that...I could really care less. There were a lot of dynamics in that relationship that lead to that (no conversation, okay laughs, somewhat similar interests, no common goals, and I was very much his "mother"). We became friends/room mates who would fuck every 2-3 months so I wouldnt feel bad. There was little to no physical content in regards to cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc...It effected us immeasurably and eventually lead to the demise.

The second relationship (current) is different...we have chemistry on all levels...intellectually, conversely, we have great laughs, similar goals, etc....but we also have great sexual chemistry. Now, I am not saying we don't have times where we dont have sex for a couple weeks due to work, family (deaths, cancers, etc...), illness, tiredness, etc...BUT we are still affectionate (cuddling, watching movies together, kissing, hand holding, etc).

Lot of shit in life can muddle sex in a relationship and get in the way...the thing that still needs to be there is some level of intimacy and affection. If not feeling of resentment and being taken for granted come up and that is never a good sign.

You have done the right thing and already talked to her about it, but maybe you need to tell her how it makes you feel. It is not just about sex....its about feeling wanted and desired. Relationships are work and she will need to put forth an effort.

Unfortunately, if things don't change....or start to change, it may be time to re-evaluate you relationship. I am never a proponent of just giving up and breaking up...but coming from someone who was in a similar situation for 9 years, I wish I had dealt with the issue earlier on.

You guys may have fallen into a "friend-zone" which is never good...something about your chemistry isn't right.

If talking to her directly doesn't work...would you consider a couple's counselor? Maybe a counselor could provoke a conversation that hasn't been had?

Also, please don't go looking for affection elsewhere. If you can going to move on or thinking about it, wrap this relationship up first.