The following is a reply from the anonymous member
I fear that she may not feel that chemistry towards me like she once did. Some days are great, others not so great. I just don't know how to take it all in without it making my head explode.
I've told her before that I think these things and want to hear what she has to say, she assures me every time that the relationship is the last thing I need to be worried about. That we are great and that its just stuff she needs to figure out in her own head.
I dont want to be selfish and demand what I want. I want to give her the time to figure out what it is she has going on but I feel secondary to it all sometimes.
What throws me is we are still affectionate. For instance last weekend we hung out with friends and we were holding hands, whispering comments to each other, she told me how hot I looked, lots of hugging and kissing. We did have sex as well....but the weekend ended and it feels like I am part of a different world all of a sudden.
I wish it were easier to reply to these and talk to someone I can trust and who would understand
Quote:
Originally Posted by dinosaur
So this topic has been covered in the past and I wrote a long response, so I will try to give the cole's notes version.
In my life, I have been in 2 serious, long-term, marriage-type relationships (one was 9 years and currently almost 4 years). I have lived with both and moved in within a couple months of dating for both. I do not think that living together plays a part in the loss of sex drive. I think it has to do with chemistry.
Let me preface this by saying that, yes- work, family, friends, money, health, other stresses, weather, etc can ALL effect the amount of sex you have with your S.O. Issues like these come and go and sometimes it is like riding a rollercoaster. Sometime she is up, and you are down...sometimes you are up and she is down. When you have a serious relationship, this is all apart of the deal.
Now, chemistry can mean different things. You can have great conversations, lots of laughs, similar interests and goals, etc chemistry...it isn't always about having that "I want to rip your clothes off and fuck you on the coffee table" type chemistry. But some times when one type of chemistry suffers, it takes the other one down......or it could mean that you are either "friends" or "fuck buddies".
You need to have both (IMHO) to have a well-rounded great relationship. Now, these don't always need to be perfect all the time, because lets face it...there are a lot of variables.
With my first relationship (9 years), I was that girl. Sex was fine for the first 6 months-year, but after that...I could really care less. There were a lot of dynamics in that relationship that lead to that (no conversation, okay laughs, somewhat similar interests, no common goals, and I was very much his "mother"). We became friends/room mates who would fuck every 2-3 months so I wouldnt feel bad. There was little to no physical content in regards to cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc...It effected us immeasurably and eventually lead to the demise.
The second relationship (current) is different...we have chemistry on all levels...intellectually, conversely, we have great laughs, similar goals, etc....but we also have great sexual chemistry. Now, I am not saying we don't have times where we dont have sex for a couple weeks due to work, family (deaths, cancers, etc...), illness, tiredness, etc...BUT we are still affectionate (cuddling, watching movies together, kissing, hand holding, etc).
Lot of shit in life can muddle sex in a relationship and get in the way...the thing that still needs to be there is some level of intimacy and affection. If not feeling of resentment and being taken for granted come up and that is never a good sign.
You have done the right thing and already talked to her about it, but maybe you need to tell her how it makes you feel. It is not just about sex....its about feeling wanted and desired. Relationships are work and she will need to put forth an effort.
Unfortunately, if things don't change....or start to change, it may be time to re-evaluate you relationship. I am never a proponent of just giving up and breaking up...but coming from someone who was in a similar situation for 9 years, I wish I had dealt with the issue earlier on.
You guys may have fallen into a "friend-zone" which is never good...something about your chemistry isn't right.
If talking to her directly doesn't work...would you consider a couple's counselor? Maybe a counselor could provoke a conversation that hasn't been had?
Also, please don't go looking for affection elsewhere. If you can going to move on or thinking about it, wrap this relationship up first.
|
This, I fear may be the case as well with me. I hope to god that it is not, but in the beginning I got jumped all the time. It was great. We were all over eachother.
Now not much from her. I know that in the beginning there is more lust for one another but maybe I expect to much from her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tapioca
To the OP:
I had a brief fling with a single mother who had so much going on in her life that it made my head spin (which explains why I ended things.) At the end of the day, despite all of the stuff she had to deal with, she still wanted to jump my bones and be initimate with me.
She is telling you that this is the best relationship she's been in because you're a reliable, regular guy unlike the father of her child. She probably wants a stable presence like you in her life, but her heart doesn't yearn for you. If she is unwilling to accomodate your needs at least to some degree, then she shouldn't be seeking male companionship until she is ready to make that commitment.
Posted via RS Mobile |
a) I agree with the seeing a new "daddy" often is not good for the child. And that was a huge concern for both of us at the beginning. But my plan was not to just hit it and run, I have been in love with this girl for a number of years now, just never worked out that we could be together. I love her, I want to spend my life with her. (this is not deduced over 8 months, rather almost 7 years)
b) I am stable and reliable, i do pay my share of the bills but she pulls her weight too. I've told her before (possibly a bad thing) that if we were to split that I would help her for a reasonable amount of time until she finds some place she can afford.
I love her child, like my own. I would not want to take her out of my life even if we didn't work out.
Its very easy to look in and see that what I may say is insane and illogical, but I love them both and want the best for them even if that best is not me.
[QUOTE=Glove;7855908]^ this exactly,
single mom dude,
a) why the hell are you living with her and her child? shame on her for moving in so quickly, its toxic to the child to see a different father figure every 6 months.
b) you are stable, im sure you pay half the bills or more. More than anything il bet your making her life WAY easier by just being there, she probably doesnt have chemistry towards you, she isnt sure what to do because on the one hand, you are helping her with everything, but she doesnt feel it for you,
so does she end it and walk away? meaning life would be more difficult financially for her and her kid,
or does she stick it out with you, have sex with you once in a while to keep you at bay, for the security and sake of her child?,
id think long and hard before you go any further down this road.
also, god forbid you commonlaw with her without a pre-nup, if you guys seperate later down the road, she can get you for child support eventhough its not even your kid.