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I don't think you are asking for much. I think she has maybe become to comfortable and unconsciously is taking you for granted.
She says you have nothing to worry about and that the relationship is fine...but it is not. Re-evaluating your relationship and contemplating a break-up is always more difficult when there is no BIG reason to do so....by BIG, I mean cheating, lying, drugs, abuse, etc...Some times there is no real reason to break-up but on the other side, there is no reason to stay together. These type of break-ups, IMO, are a lot more difficult....especially when there is a child (yours or not) involved. Some relationships just fizzle slowly and you don't realize it until it is almost done.
You are right in assuming that she may not feel the chemistry with you....it may hurt you to hear that or realize it, but I think it is a case where you are a nice, stable, caring guy who is there for her and her child and she is enjoying it. I do not think she is aware of what she is doing, but in a way she is taking advantage of it. Is she aware of how serious you are about this? I do not encourage, in any way, that you drop an ultimatum on her (sex or break-up) and you do not appear to be a guy like that, but maybe she isn't truly understanding your overwhelming frustration. She may just be too comfortable.
I really understand what you are going through...I may not have been in you exact position, but I was in a relationship like yours. I knew what was happening and I knew there was no chemistry, but I also knew that a break-up after years and years is VERY difficult. I didn't do the right thing and have a serious, honest conversation with him and I didn't have enough balls to call it what it was (in reality, a friendship with the odd fuck and daily 'goodnight' kiss). After 9 years, he got so frustrated he busted a nut in another chick and the relationship ended pretty damn quickly. In the end, I wasn't sad or upset at all...but, I was mad at myself for knowing what was happening for years and never dealing with it.
Soon, I think you will get to the point where you stop caring. You will stay for the kid, or because you are a nice guy, and end up wanting to blow your fucking brains out until some little chicky shakes her tail-feather in your face and you will pounce. Then, you will be "that guy".
Don't be "that guy".
Face up to what is happening and tell her e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g....even if you know it will hurt. Tell her the relationship needs help and that you need to speak to a professional.
Do the hardest part now...not when your shit is being tossed out a window.
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