REVscene Automotive Forum - View Single Post - [Confidential] The girl's ex is trying to get back with her

TripleSoul · 04-24-2012, 11:17 AM

I've been in a similar situation.

I met this girl one day, and decided to ask for her email. I just got to know her and we went out on a coffee date a week later. Two months later, her ex calls her to win her back, giving her promises of job connections at a well-known company, engagement, and basically the whole nine yards.

I think this is where the similarities end though. I understand that you feel deflated and frustrated. However, you shouldn't have tried to sell yourself. You see, when girls tell you about her shit, its not so that you can help her make the decision. Ultimately you have to let her decide. Giving her an ultimatum is also useless (look at Recon604's post above), as it damages the relationship later on. I would listen to her when she needs, but don't do the convincing and nor be the salesperson for yourself. Continue to make plans and keep the dates fun.

At this point in time, she is probably deciding if you are the real deal (ie: not a rebound) or a temporary void filler. She may even be using this as a test to see how you deal with jealousy, even if she is not conscious of it. Regardless of the outcome, enjoy the ride and learn.

From the sounds of it from you, though, I would prepare for the worst. The fact that she says to you that there's still feelings for her ex is a huge ass red flag. Obviously there is going to be feelings after a 5 year relationship, but she doesn't need to tell you this because she should deal with it herself. If the girl really super-duper liked you, she should be doing the convincing to you that she is over her ex and ready to be with you. Think about it for a minute, ok? If your new crush found out you just got out of a long term relationship, won't the onus be on you to prove to the new crush that you are over your ex and that this new crush isn't just a rebound? That's how it should be right now. When my girl was dating me she was reassuring me that she was over her ex.

There is also the legitimate question from people asking as to why those two broke up. People either break up from one big reason (cheating etc.) or many little ones. The best scenario here is if her ex cheated on her, or abused her (God forbid) which makes it most likely her friends will dissuade her from returning to the harmful relationship. However if the reasons are not big and concrete then it is much harder for her to justify not returning to him.

But even if you get together with her at the end of this, just be prepared for a more stressful-than-normal honey moon period because the aftermath of drama and tension often do not disappear into thin air as quickly as you would hope. Just giving you a heads up as to what's coming. Reassess if this girl is worth it. For me, 2 years later, I am still with the girl and we are happy.

side note: I don't like the fact that her and the ex breaks it off and on so frequently, as it is probably a sign of bad conflict management skills, which reeks of immaturity and a relationship marred with ultimatums: if you don't do this then i'll do that mentality. A long-term relationship is hard work and for best advice, ask your friends who are in a LTR, instead of your consistently single friends, because they will know the necessity of sacrifice and compromise.

04-24-2012, 11:17 AM	#22
TripleSoul I am Hook'd on RS Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: y Posts: 53 Thanked 6 Times in 4 Posts Failed 7 Times in 1 Post	I've been in a similar situation. I met this girl one day, and decided to ask for her email. I just got to know her and we went out on a coffee date a week later. Two months later, her ex calls her to win her back, giving her promises of job connections at a well-known company, engagement, and basically the whole nine yards. I think this is where the similarities end though. I understand that you feel deflated and frustrated. However, you shouldn't have tried to sell yourself. You see, when girls tell you about her shit, its not so that you can help her make the decision. Ultimately you have to let her decide. Giving her an ultimatum is also useless (look at Recon604's post above), as it damages the relationship later on. I would listen to her when she needs, but don't do the convincing and nor be the salesperson for yourself. Continue to make plans and keep the dates fun. At this point in time, she is probably deciding if you are the real deal (ie: not a rebound) or a temporary void filler. She may even be using this as a test to see how you deal with jealousy, even if she is not conscious of it. Regardless of the outcome, enjoy the ride and learn. From the sounds of it from you, though, I would prepare for the worst. The fact that she says to you that there's still feelings for her ex is a huge ass red flag. Obviously there is going to be feelings after a 5 year relationship, but she doesn't need to tell you this because she should deal with it herself. If the girl really super-duper liked you, she should be doing the convincing to you that she is over her ex and ready to be with you. Think about it for a minute, ok? If your new crush found out you just got out of a long term relationship, won't the onus be on you to prove to the new crush that you are over your ex and that this new crush isn't just a rebound? That's how it should be right now. When my girl was dating me she was reassuring me that she was over her ex. There is also the legitimate question from people asking as to why those two broke up. People either break up from one big reason (cheating etc.) or many little ones. The best scenario here is if her ex cheated on her, or abused her (God forbid) which makes it most likely her friends will dissuade her from returning to the harmful relationship. However if the reasons are not big and concrete then it is much harder for her to justify not returning to him. But even if you get together with her at the end of this, just be prepared for a more stressful-than-normal honey moon period because the aftermath of drama and tension often do not disappear into thin air as quickly as you would hope. Just giving you a heads up as to what's coming. Reassess if this girl is worth it. For me, 2 years later, I am still with the girl and we are happy. side note: I don't like the fact that her and the ex breaks it off and on so frequently, as it is probably a sign of bad conflict management skills, which reeks of immaturity and a relationship marred with ultimatums: if you don't do this then i'll do that mentality. A long-term relationship is hard work and for best advice, ask your friends who are in a LTR, instead of your consistently single friends, because they will know the necessity of sacrifice and compromise.