[El Bastardo]

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Recently broke up with my gf, whom I have been dating for a bit more then 2 years now... I've talked to my friends and they all tell me I should get over it and move on.. but I cant get her out of my head and it seems like everything keeps reminding me of her..

Ill try to explain the story to our break up below..
To start off I thought everything was going fine through out our relationship.. We had 1 or 2 fights during the beginning of our relationship but we talked it out and I made a clear point of telling her if anything is wrong tell me because small things turn into big things.. So pretty much through out these 2 years we barely fought at all.. maybe a hand full of arguments but nothing serious (ex. we argue about something but brush it aside right after) It never came to my mind that we would break up..

Fast forward the last week before our problems are brought up.. she starts putting distance between us and i realize something is clearly wrong.. I wait about a week to kinda feel out the situation and then I talk to her.. (After this comes a series of talks, giving it a try, ending the relationship)

First talk, we put out that something is wrong and she wants to just be friends..

Second talk, I call her back asking her if we can talk again and know that we have a lot more to talk about.. we talk about the problems that occurred to lead to this.. (BIG factor was our miscommunication.. I did some things i thought was right but never explained to her why and she just took it in a total different way..) Pretty much a lot of small miscommunications built up and caused this.. The tip of the ice berg I BELIEVE, is recently someone close to her passed away.. I asked if she wanted me to be there but she said no it wouldnt feel right with her family there.. (Im so f-ing stupid.. I regret this part so much..) Pretty much I agreed not to go but let her know to call me if she needs. (I go sleep, head to work the next morning, and call her right after work) She seems very neutral about the situation after.. I obviously fail to act on this..
So.. pretty much she told me she wanted me there during the night and it was to late when morning came.. She then tells me I lack confidence and doesn't feel like I can support her emotionally.. She compares me to other people (friends husband).. I tell her I can have that confidence but i'm still young and just started my career.. I need time to develop.. she tells me she doesn't know if she has the patience to wait for me.. Overall we talk for a few hours.. she ends up needing time to think about giving our relationship another go..

Third talk, she is willing to give it a try and work things out.. everything seems fine again..

About a week or less in, I feel something is off and on a day we go on a date I ask her how she feels about me and such.. she cant answer and I essential push a few questions out to try get her to tell me..
(I realized after I shouldnt have done this.. I literally just pushed myself overboard on a really rocky boat)
She cant answer me and decides she needs to rethink her answer.. (I must say this hurt quite a bit..)

Fast forward a few days, we talk again I try to keep us together but she decides she doesn't have enough feelings for me to continue the relationship... We pretty much talk about it and decide to give some of our stuff back to each other a week from now..

Week after, we exchange some items.. she gives back a few intimate stuff while I gave back almost everything that made me think of her.. (At this point, I thought it was all over and followed what my friends told me to do..) After talking about how we may want to be friends later on, it pretty much ends with me telling her I dont know if I can and if so I will need a long time..

Fast forward to now.. its been about 2 weeks now..
How I feel and what I'm thinking about atm:
- I feel like shit everyday.. Depressed but I try not to show it because I work and know my friends are probably tired of hearing my shit..
- I've been trying to keep active.. working out, working, 3 different sports, chilling with friends..
- I lose my appetite every so often, even when im super hungry.. I think my meals per day range from 1-3 atm.. (I know this is bad.. I try to go out and eat whatever I want.. but it feels like im going to puke sometimes)
- Went partying got so wrecked.. the next morning I couldn't do anything.. what made it worse was I was thinking of her the whole time..
- I'm full of so much regret and anger at myself.. for not seeing the events that led to this and why I didn't do this and that when I had the chance..
- I want to improve myself for me but at the same time I don't want to just let her go with out trying.. So i've been thinking to improve my self.. wait a month or so.. give her a text to see whats going on.. maybe give her another text some time from now about how I feel and what I plan to do.. (build myself to be a better man, maybe if I still feel the same way I would try to get her back...) I duno how long that will take.. but for sure it wont be anytime soon time.. (a year or so from now? or more..)
- I'm currently trying to study for work and be proactive with my life but I cant seem to concentrate at all..
- Everyone I know keeps asking me where she is and why isn't she here and it kills me cause I dont want to say we broke up.. so I brush it off by saying I don't know.. (I realized now how much people mention her around me too btw..)
- Not to sound like a pussy.. but I've broken out in tears multiple times when alone.. (btw.. I've never cried in the past 10years of my life.. even when close family/friends passed away..) I don't know why but I cant stop the tears once they start..
- Never in my life have I felt this bad.. I can easily say it feels like my hearts bring ripped out atm..
- I don't know what to do.. and I feel like i've lost most if not all my confidence in myself atm..




I apologize for writing this rant and I know there is a lot of spelling/grammar errors..

Add a bit.. I'm in my early/mid twenties.. and no she is not a tween..

I would like to hear some feed back about your opinions.. I've realized my stupidity and will be putting my flame suit on..