REVscene Automotive Forum - View Single Post - how much time do you give them after breaking up?

jameswift · 05-09-2012, 08:05 AM

Breakups. Has to be one of the hardest things for a person to deal with. I can probably deal with just about anything better.

So what to do? Here is what I've always done and this is by no means a manual as for a 'how to' but it's just one persons process that works for me.

#1. I get sad and upset. Face it, especially if you're the one getting dumped, it sucks. Accept that it sucks. You'll hope you can get back together all the time, you'll want to see them and text and email and all that. It's hard to do and sometimes you slip and break. You send an email or a text. It's normal. Allow yourself time to really hit the floor. Feel like shit and beat yourself up for a little bit. I find I grow a lot during this phase. Sometimes I've even dropped off flowers or made an effort to really get in touch with them. Yes, it's probably bad but whatever. I do it anyway. I act out of my pain and maybe even desperation. My thinking is that if I fight to stay together for a while, if it falls apart, then I can look back knowing I put my heart into showing how I felt. If they can't appreciate it, that's cool. I'm also aware that these acts of kindness often push women away. Whatever. I think deep down I do it because I'm selfish and I just need to do it to give myself some kind of closure.

#2. Having good friends is really important on this one. Start to shift the focus into making yourself better. Hitting the gym is a MUST. Get a workout buddy and go to the gym. YES, you're still going to feel like shit, other hot girls probably won't even make you look twice, but you have to force the workout and social time. The chemicals your body releases during a work out, along with the improved fitness and appearance goes a LONG way to making you feel better. It helps chemically with coping and also helps you with your self confidence even though YES, you're still going to feel horrible.

#3. Step #2 doesn't stop, you keep doing it. Step #1 should now change a bit. You can still feel shitty. You can miss them when you go to bed because you don't see that cute text message saying 'g-nite' anymore. Do what you need to in order to move on. For me, it was putting on a TV show on the computer and going to sleep with the sound of something in the background. Silence would allow my mind to wander so this helped. I think mornings are the worst. They were for me. I always felt like shit.

My alarm clock is my computer connected to 9 speakers and a sub. I have my alarm blast upbeat music that I like and it helps me get my day started well. I swear a lot too when I wake up. I think that's just a personality thing but whatever, it helps me.

#4. At some point during this (by the way this is all in month #1 and #2 no matter how long the relationship) I have made a strong effort to remove anything that has any connection to the ex. All pictures have to go. Either in the garbage or put somewhere in a box somewhere in the attic (or storage). Stuffed animals, facebook, saved names in gmail, phone, her close friends that remind you of her etc. It's all gotta go.

Out of sight, out of mind. The sooner you can do this the better. For me, it is NOT easy to do and I get rid of it all probably in the 1.5 month region. Others do it right away. I can't because I tend to still hold onto the fact that they may come back or I can work it out.

#5 By month 2, you may still feel really really bad. Hell, you may still feel bad by month 5 or 6. What you have to do once you've shut out all the pictures and 'stuff' is meet new people. This doesn't mean dating but make sure you meet new people somehow. Guys and girls, friends. Get involved. The more active and busy you are the better it is for you in every way. A wider social circle opens potential relationship, friendship, work and activities.

#6 During all of this there will be slip ups. You may text or email or even phone your ex. They may try doing the same. I find when they text me it's the WORST. It's like you panic and lose your mind. I don't respond. If it's a text or an email I might but I NEVER take a call. Someone's voice will just crush you.

I make an assumption that they're never coming back as soon as I possibly can. Yes I want them to return, but I don't get my hopes up. I assume the worst and try and protect myself.

#7 If you keep doing all these things eventually you will snap out of it but it can take a long time. I'm not one to suggest sleeping around right after although I know for some people that works. For me, it's never worked. I end up either getting hurt or thinking about my ex even more. Biggest reason guys do it is because they want some validation they're still 'worthy' or useful. I hate hurting others and I ended up one time getting involved with a super sweet and awesome girl that was a harsh rebound for me. She was so into me and it was awesome until I broke it off. This chick didn't see it coming and she was heartbroken. Essentially, I had used her to get over my emotional pain which was not cool at all. She didn't deserve that at all, she was such a great person.

Time heals but what you do with that time is what really counts. On average once I'm in love with a person, it doesn't matter if the relationship was 6 months or 6 years, I have a 4-6 month recovery period before I'm better.

Another thing to remember is sometimes you never really get over something in your life. There are some things you will never forget, that's okay. Each one of my exes have captured some part of me and it's partly who I am today because of it. I smile and remember and continue on.

05-09-2012, 08:05 AM	#18
jameswift Banned (ABWS) Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Vancouver Posts: 69 Thanked 156 Times in 23 Posts Failed 9 Times in 3 Posts	Breakups. Has to be one of the hardest things for a person to deal with. I can probably deal with just about anything better. So what to do? Here is what I've always done and this is by no means a manual as for a 'how to' but it's just one persons process that works for me. #1. I get sad and upset. Face it, especially if you're the one getting dumped, it sucks. Accept that it sucks. You'll hope you can get back together all the time, you'll want to see them and text and email and all that. It's hard to do and sometimes you slip and break. You send an email or a text. It's normal. Allow yourself time to really hit the floor. Feel like shit and beat yourself up for a little bit. I find I grow a lot during this phase. Sometimes I've even dropped off flowers or made an effort to really get in touch with them. Yes, it's probably bad but whatever. I do it anyway. I act out of my pain and maybe even desperation. My thinking is that if I fight to stay together for a while, if it falls apart, then I can look back knowing I put my heart into showing how I felt. If they can't appreciate it, that's cool. I'm also aware that these acts of kindness often push women away. Whatever. I think deep down I do it because I'm selfish and I just need to do it to give myself some kind of closure. #2. Having good friends is really important on this one. Start to shift the focus into making yourself better. Hitting the gym is a MUST. Get a workout buddy and go to the gym. YES, you're still going to feel like shit, other hot girls probably won't even make you look twice, but you have to force the workout and social time. The chemicals your body releases during a work out, along with the improved fitness and appearance goes a LONG way to making you feel better. It helps chemically with coping and also helps you with your self confidence even though YES, you're still going to feel horrible. #3. Step #2 doesn't stop, you keep doing it. Step #1 should now change a bit. You can still feel shitty. You can miss them when you go to bed because you don't see that cute text message saying 'g-nite' anymore. Do what you need to in order to move on. For me, it was putting on a TV show on the computer and going to sleep with the sound of something in the background. Silence would allow my mind to wander so this helped. I think mornings are the worst. They were for me. I always felt like shit. My alarm clock is my computer connected to 9 speakers and a sub. I have my alarm blast upbeat music that I like and it helps me get my day started well. I swear a lot too when I wake up. I think that's just a personality thing but whatever, it helps me. #4. At some point during this (by the way this is all in month #1 and #2 no matter how long the relationship) I have made a strong effort to remove anything that has any connection to the ex. All pictures have to go. Either in the garbage or put somewhere in a box somewhere in the attic (or storage). Stuffed animals, facebook, saved names in gmail, phone, her close friends that remind you of her etc. It's all gotta go. Out of sight, out of mind. The sooner you can do this the better. For me, it is NOT easy to do and I get rid of it all probably in the 1.5 month region. Others do it right away. I can't because I tend to still hold onto the fact that they may come back or I can work it out. #5 By month 2, you may still feel really really bad. Hell, you may still feel bad by month 5 or 6. What you have to do once you've shut out all the pictures and 'stuff' is meet new people. This doesn't mean dating but make sure you meet new people somehow. Guys and girls, friends. Get involved. The more active and busy you are the better it is for you in every way. A wider social circle opens potential relationship, friendship, work and activities. #6 During all of this there will be slip ups. You may text or email or even phone your ex. They may try doing the same. I find when they text me it's the WORST. It's like you panic and lose your mind. I don't respond. If it's a text or an email I might but I NEVER take a call. Someone's voice will just crush you. I make an assumption that they're never coming back as soon as I possibly can. Yes I want them to return, but I don't get my hopes up. I assume the worst and try and protect myself. #7 If you keep doing all these things eventually you will snap out of it but it can take a long time. I'm not one to suggest sleeping around right after although I know for some people that works. For me, it's never worked. I end up either getting hurt or thinking about my ex even more. Biggest reason guys do it is because they want some validation they're still 'worthy' or useful. I hate hurting others and I ended up one time getting involved with a super sweet and awesome girl that was a harsh rebound for me. She was so into me and it was awesome until I broke it off. This chick didn't see it coming and she was heartbroken. Essentially, I had used her to get over my emotional pain which was not cool at all. She didn't deserve that at all, she was such a great person. Time heals but what you do with that time is what really counts. On average once I'm in love with a person, it doesn't matter if the relationship was 6 months or 6 years, I have a 4-6 month recovery period before I'm better. Another thing to remember is sometimes you never really get over something in your life. There are some things you will never forget, that's okay. Each one of my exes have captured some part of me and it's partly who I am today because of it. I smile and remember and continue on.