[El Bastardo]

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So I've been really into this girl I met on a project we were working on. We new we had chemistry but she told me right away she had a boyfriend. I respected that but I kept in contact with her...and we were texting A LOT. Until one day we met up and I went up to her and something was different; she kissed me. I found out that she had broken up with her boyfriend, and she was able to be with me...I was ecstatic.

She eventually stayed over and we had an AMAZING time. We were really into each other. But if I could say one thing about her, was that she was a little shy and prudish. Which was fine, I just wasn't used to what she was comfortable/not comfortable with. And it was hard to tell when she was being coy and playful, and actually not liking what we were doing. It all seemed similar to me.

So the next day we both went together to this wrap party for the project. Everyone knew I was into her, and people weren't surprised to see me with her. She had mentioned to me prior, firmly but nice, "don't be all over me at the wrap party", and of course my instinct was of course I wouldn't, I had no intention to and that would be weird and way too inappropriate.

So at the party, we sat next to each other, and talked and laughed together and with friends. At one point under the table I put my had near hers, and she grabbed it. I made a point not to grab hers in case she was uncomfortable. I ended up resting our hand on her leg, and that was the extent of it.

So towards the end of the night, she had to leave, she was ill and hadn't slept in a couple days. I understood she had to go, but I walked her outside where she was leaving with a friend.

This is where I feel shameful. I went to hug her goodbye and my hand just naturally went near her bum, which I thought was just a quick and playful thing to do, which I was doing plenty of the previous night. We also weren't in view of anyone in the party so I thought she might want to kiss a bit before she left. It was a new relationship, and I was really into her. We kissed a couple times and then she left, even though a couple times she said no and "I have to go".

It seemed when she left she was just like "oh, silly you, I have to go but I wish I could stay" and not "you made me really uncomfortable". I knew that she had to go, but I admit I wanted her to stay a bit too long, and I couldn't tell where the coyness ended and the actual discomfort began. Rather I wasn't paying attention.

And now I feel like a complete fucking scumbag who is clingy and womanizing and and idiot who won't listen to women.

Since then, I didn't hear from her all the next day, until the evening, and we were texting as usual, asking about each others day. Then I brought up my behaviour and apologized, and she admitted she was pissed off that night...especially just been getting out of a relationship with a total douchebag. We chatted a bit about it, and she appreciated my admission to fault and apology, and ended by saying things were fine.

I didn't hear from her at all yesterday after sending a text in the middle of the day just saying hi.

Now I feel like a total douchebag. I feel like she talked to all her friends about this who are telling her to run. The thing is, I know I'm not a bad person, and I admitted that I was out of line. But now it almost feels like in admitting that, that it provoked her to mull it over even more, and make up her mind about me before I even get to see her again.

I fucking hate texting about shit like that, and I can't stand that I haven't been able to talk on the phone or see her in person to discuss this. I'm in unbearable self-torture and depression right now and I don't know what to do.

I really like her and I know she was really into me. I feel like I let her down, and blew my chances. I'm so ashamed.