[hotshot1]

I'm friends with this girl, lets call her A. A and I aren't technically a couple - we don't call each other boyfriend-girlfriend, we don't go out as a couple with other people, we don't talk long on the phone, I don't buy her gifts, etc. It's kind of like a friends with benefits situation except we're close and we don't meet up only for sex. We hang out and we talk about a lot of personal stuff like desires, insecurities, etc. We go deep. She's pretty awesome. She's smart, hot, got a stable job - but there's no it factor. It's hard to describe. We've been hanging out for a year or so.

There's another girl in my life, let's call her B. B and I have been friends since high school and have been tight for a long time, a decade or so. She probably knows me better than anyone. We've had a really up and down relationship through the years. Anyway, the other day, B and I hang out like usual, except she comes over afterwards. We end up cuddling on the couch, which hasn't happened in years, and I want to go further but she doesn't. We've never had sex but come close a few times in the past. She always says that she'll regret it and wants me only as a friend and bla bla bla. She says she's only willing to cuddle with me, and that's as far as we'll go. We talk and I end up telling her about A, which gets her mad. She says that she "likes (me) a little less" and that she can't believe A and I don't just act like a couple and how I'm scared of "commitment". I tell her that A and I are basically a couple except we don't have imaginary rules and labels, which makes her even more mad. She says that my relationship with A is disgusting because anyone can cheat on anyone and that I'm a highly likely cheater. I tell her that honesty is the only rule I have with A and that I trust A. This goes on for a while. So anyway, B is single but she wants to have a serious relationship and get married and have kids or whatever. She knows me well and says that she doesn't want to date me because she knows we'll have major problems, which she says she can overlook now as friends. It always feel like there's a chance to go further but she stops it. Whenever I hold her and or put my arms around her she's always going with it but it ends up with me being like Charlie Brown about to kick the football, her being Lucy just moving it at the last second.

I feel like I have way more in common with A than with B but I couldn't sleep the night after seeing B. I really like B and am willing to end my relationship with A to be more serious with B. The thing is B doesn't want that. I want B so bad and I can't stop thinking of her. I don't even feel like eating. I just feel like I'm in a semi-depressed state of mind. I've been trying to forget her but I can't. WTF is wrong with me? I'm never like this.