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your best bet is to plan the wedding like you will pay for the whole thing. and if they decide to pay and help you, then good. if not, then at least its still in your budget. it sounds like your/her parents will only help out if certain criteria are met. you bend your wedding to their wants, it won't really be your wedding anymore.
i understand that it is important to please both sides of the parents as well, so compromise and make something work that its agreeable on all sides. this way, you won't feel like your wedding is not in your control anymore.
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