just buy a fleshlight and stick it between your mattress/boxspring
when you're not with the fleshlight, I can give you my personal cell phone number. Call me anytime you're feeling lonely and I'll belittle you/emasculate you, bitch at you about trivial issues in my personal life that are in no way related to you, etc. That way you get the sex and the rest of the bullshit every relationship comes with!
.. and then after a couple months I'll drop off the fleshlight to a guy you kinda know, but also kinda hate (we all know one of those guys) and he'll fuck your fleshlight for an even MORE authentic gf experience
