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going through this very process myself with my brother and parents.
how involved you get depends on you, and your builder. if you are very specific in what you want and your builder listens to you, you can be less involved. since they know what you want and how you want it
check up on where you build every so often. anything that is wrong is easier to change earlier than in later stages. if you find that there are mistakes after mistakes everytime you visit, then you will be more involved with the builder.
as for obtaining a property, are you buying a lot with a house on it that you will just knock down and rebuild? if so, i believe any realtor you choose should be fine.
as for cost, it depends on what you and your builder agree on when building. if you get predetermined budget for predetermined materials, then it would cost you more for you to "upgrade" these materials. always plan for being over budget simply because shit happens.
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