[notenoughasian]

A year ago you entered my life, I didn't think much of it at the time: just two people with a common interest. We talked all the small chat from political views, music interests, and all that jazz. I thought I finally found someone of the opposite sex that I could express myself without being in a relationship, a friendship where we both understood each other. As we continue our conversation you tell me you no longer have a boyfriend, my heart stopped. Are you trying to give me a sign? I shrugged it off just as our conversation got even deeper and eventually got intimate. Eventually a mutual friend's birthday caused us to meet up, I didn't think much of it, just a friendly gathering to celebrate and enjoy each others company. You ask me to hang out before the event with a couple of your friends and I gladly accept, we go to eat and something is bugging me at the back of my head, your friend makes us sit together in the booth where I was totally fine where ever. We small talk but your friend keeps looking over at you, I'm confused, are you really interested in me? We talk about seeing the new disney movie together, I'm down for the fact that a guy like me can't watch children's movie without being judged so I totally want to look like I'm blending in. We finish up and finally meet the rest of the group and enter the club, we're drinking, dancing, living the night away. As an promoter I'm used to just standing around in the club, waiting for people to text me. I leave the group as I venture off with other friends, drink, drink, drink. Now I'm pretty tipsy and you grab me back into the group to dance, but this time you're squeezing my shoulder hard. Holding on ever so tightly that you might be cutting off my circulation, you didn't look drunk. I slide your arm down so that we are now holding hands, we hold them till the next song comes on and you eventually let go to fist bump to the beat. Now all the alarms in my head are screaming at me, confusion mixed with lust, I blame the alcohol for not allowing me to think straight. After struggling to get out of the club I go out for air, light a smoke and notice you're with one your guy friends. A pang of jealousy hits me, but my head is killing me, I shouldn't care about what you do as we're not even seeing each other. I make the decision to head home but as I walk by to give you your jacket, I toss it into your lap and leave without saying a word. Why was I so angry at something that didn't exist, why should I feel jealous? I took a cab home and contemplated how I ever got this plastered, passing out beside my bed.

Fast forward a month later, our conversations still hold strong and we talk about mundane things. I haven't seen you for a while so hey why not, we never actually got to see the movie, call out your friend and lets actually watch it. Your friend constantly bails and I finally decide let's just watch the movie, just the two of us. You agree and we go for dinner, we talk about our days and the struggle of our everyday lives. I already know a lot about you but I've noticed there are still layers that I need to dig through, I'm not trying to get any further with our relationship, just wanting to understand you better as a person. You begin to open up to me, in my mind a lot more telling me about your past relationships, the struggles at home, everything. I soak everything in, taking in every detail and reliving your life in my mind. I pay for our meal but you insist on going dutch, my mom raised me that when you take a woman out, regardless of whether you have feelings or not, you pay for the first meal just out of courtesy. Luckily I paid for the meal while you went to the washroom and you get angry with me, I'm sorry? I try to laugh it off as we go to the movie theatre but guess what, I already paid for those too. Now it seems like I'm trying to show off as you give me that look while grabbing the popcorn and you start throwing it at me after you take a bite. We sit down as the movie begins to play, thank goodness we're not watching some romantic soap, you picked Mission Impossible. See, no romantic sappy stuff, just two friends hanging out having a good time. Movie ends and I ask to drive you home but you politely decline, I decide to walk you to the bus top cause you seemed cautious but I didn't take note. I really did have fun, it's not every day you hang with friends that are women without the intention or subtle meaning behind everything. That's when I realized did I actually have feelings for you or were they the warm feelings of a new friendship blossoming? I began to contemplate our conversation after that hang out but I noticed something: ever so slowly you began to creep into my heart, but I ignored them knowing that we didn't know each other well. I let them go and wander in my head, telling myself I won't do anything until I get a clear response.

Another month passes, our conversations still continue, you get a new job and I ask if you want to celebrate but you have to pass, you're going to school next year and have to make the bank. I understand but I also start to notice a trend, you don't want to hang out anymore but every time I bump into you the happy go lucky person I like appears. How do I read into this, I've come to the realization I do have strong feelings for you, but I don't want to stoop so low to hold an intimate conversation about us inside the club, let alone inebriated. I let everything slide until one day we bump into each other coincidentally outside a club again, but this time you're having a strong argument with your ex's friend. I want to leave but you get angry and I comply, plopping myself down beside you. Now things get awkward as I listen to you argue with your ex's friend about your past relationship, you tell him you're over him and look at me with a smile. I smile back but now I'm confused, is this another sign you're telling me you like me? After all the dodging of hang outs but still the constant friendly talking? You rest your head on my shoulder and hug my arm, how many signs am I supposed to process? We go inside and meet up your friends but I decide to leave, my head can't process any of this via the alcohol. What do I do? You didn't drink much but I on the other hand, had a two six to myself and I am plastered. Again I pass out beside my bed, you can see how my regular drinking nights end up.

A couple days later you're shooting an event at the club and I'm attending another event on the strip, I'm holding onto a ticket for one of our mutual friends and she's coming later, so I suggest why not hang out before she arrives. You comply and I spend the night with you looking at the photographs you take, acknowledging the good and the bad. We drink a bit but you're allowed to on the job, as we take the shot, your ex shows up. Now this is awkward, what do I do, I know both of you prior to your break up. He buys us a round and you ask me to go for a smoke. We go outside and your ex follows, shit just got really awkward but as we lightly talk on thin ice, your friend needs her ticket and I meet her up. You go back inside to take photos as I go to the other event, but as I party my night away you keep appearing at the back of my head, are you okay? Can you handle yourself? I leave a bit early to go check up on you, you seem fine so I let you go and drive my friends home. As I drive my friends home, your friend calls me, telling you somehow got shit faced in a matter of minutes of me leaving. I'm confused and you want me to drive you home, I'm stuck with a full car of drunk friends that I promised to drive home and literally fifteen minutes ago you looked fine. My friend who's the only one sober gets out and say's he'll take the cab, I thank him and drive off to pick you up. You stumble in my arms and start crying. We stay there for what seems like hours, we begin to walk to my car and I discuss plans with your friend. I realize she doesn't have a ride and suggest I pay for her cab as I have no room in my car, you don't want to go without your friend. I put you into the cab but you don't want to leave me, I tell you it's for the better because you don't want to separate from your friend and I have no room. You glare at me angrily and tell me I'm just like your ex, my heart drops. What did I do wrong to receive this pain? As I shut the door I get a build up of rage upon myself to find out what I did wrong. I drive my friends home but not without thinking about what had happened. I arrive home and sit in my car, smoking an entire pack thinking about what I did wrong. My hands are trembling, I cry, all my emotions fall onto the floor, I cry anger, I cry sadness, what did I do to deserve this kind of pain? All my emotions swell up and my head goes blank. I flop on my bed, head throbbing full of thoughts, I can't sleep. I call you, no answer, I call again, voicemail. I call a third time, your phone is off. What did I do to anger you so much? My prior commitment had been thrown off, but when you needed me most, I wasn't there to help you.

I stay up the entire day, I'm exhausted from work and over thinking. I go for a drink, I drive to your house and call you repeatedly, then I do what every stupid person does when drunk. I send you a text expressing myself and pour my heart into the message, blame the alcohol. I give you a choice but I already know what the answer is going to be, what can I do about it. I wait and I wait but still no answer, I go home and pass out, waking up the next day drunk but no reply. I go back to sleep and wake up in the mid afternoon to your text, you tell me you were never angry at me, I'm relieved. You bring up the question if I like you, did the long paragraph text not tell you I did? Was it not obvious enough? You tell me you never liked me, you we're never interested. I can't feel my heart anymore, my head feels like its clearing but at the same time blank. No words and express how I felt, I didn't feel anything. I tell you that I understand and that everything was just made up in my head, because it was. I tell you that I need some time to recollect my thoughts, you understand and haven't messaged me since.

Right now, I don't think I have any emotion to what I feel for you right now, I just miss the feeling of us talking, you said I was infatuated with you and not in love. You said we didn't know each other well enough but I knew enough to like you, why couldn't we just grow on that and try to understand each other more in depth? Was your heart so jaded from your past relationship that you can't trust me? What more do I have to show you that my infatuation with you would grow into love? Did you think I was merely in it for sex? I have other ways of getting that and if we were in a committed relationship I would not think twice about which was better for me, what I wanted was you, all of you. To understand you, to comfort you, to be your pillar, your rock. You were strong, fierce, and independent on the outside but I knew deep down you were a gentle and loving soul. Just scarred by the way life had to mold you into a stronger person, you were suspicious of everyone and everything. I want to tell you it's going to be okay, everything will be fine but can I really say that when I myself can't get a hold on you. You won't let me in, do you suspect me of doing what your ex did? I can't give you everything you want, but I want to be beside you and help you along towards your goals. That's how much you changed my life and the way I think, back before I met you I was wallowing in a hole of self pity and doubt. Thinking about how little I was and I was insignificant to the world, but you showed me a different way of thinking. I thank you for that and I want to give back to you, but you won't let me. My head hurts still thinking about what happened, I know I'm still not over you and it won't be for a long time. I think for now it's best we stay where we are as strangers, even though my heart is telling me otherwise. By the way I got you a birthday present, too bad I can't return it now so I guess I'll just hold on to it as I can't use it. Maybe I'll give it to you on your birthday, who knows. I just know that I still want to be there beside you for every step you take.