[nns]

The following is going to be a small rant. Some (all?) of it may not make any sense because I'm a little clouded by emotion atm.

I used to deal with being alone and single so much better. Like it wasn't even a care in my mind that I'd be at home, weekend after weekend watching TV alone. I didn't care that I didn't have any plans. I didn't care that I had no one to share my close thoughts with. I was content.

But over the last 2-3 years I've changed. I've become more outgoing socially. I think it had to do with me leaving a job. It had weighed me down. I had a sense of self-imposed duty and dedication - misguided into thinking I had to give my all and sacrifice my own happiness in servitude to the role and the company.

I got a new job. It was a lot less stress. I was able to work on myself. I went out more. A night at home felt very lonely and uncomfortable, let alone a whole weekend. I wanted to socialize. I wanted attention. I went on dating apps. I asked girls out in person, got numbers, wash, repeat. Nothing that ever amounted to what I'd consider a GF. Nothing that ever became something that I could put my trust in.

I think many of us have heard stories about how difficult the dating scene is in Vancouver. I kinda see both sides of the argument. On one side we hear it's just a numbers game. If you go out, talk to people, meet people, get numbers, whatever - eventually you'll meet someone right? The *one*? Well ok, numbers game put into consideration, i've done all that many times. Been on dating apps for years. I still haven't found anyone. So is it still numbers and odds? I don't know anymore. Is it specifically the people in Vancouver? Are they guarded because they've heard so many horror stories or suffered some themselves? I don't know.

I mean, even if it were true, or it wasn't. If it's one way or the other. In the end of the day it wouldn't magically change the circumstances.

So i'm kind of losing focus on why I decided to post this. I guess i'm just looking for some perspective. Some wisdom or ammo to tell me to keep pushing forward, don't give up, keep my head up, all that shit. Cause right now, I just don't see it. I can't sum up that positivity. I remember reading something posted in this very thread, who said along the lines of he didn't find someone until he literally stopped looking. I think he decided to focus on bettering himself and before he knew it he so happened to find someone.

I'd consider myself already bettering myself. I've worked out for 8+ yrs. I've created a small bucket list of things that I wanted to do but used to think were difficult. Things like baking, shooting, climbing, hiking, photography. All that shit..it doesn't keep me company when I want to have a connection with someone.

I don't know...end rant. I imagine some or all of you are going to dissect this, skewer and roast me..great.

edit: Does anyone feel that they've paid their fair share of dues, suffered enough, and that maybe it was about time some luck came up on them? Or is it just wrong to think that way? Karma ain't real right? Man i just..i don't know.