[Traum]

I am really sorry to hear about your wife's condition. I remember the days when le wifey was showing some signs of (mild?) postpartum depression, and that was stressful for us to deal with. To make things worse, in the typical Cantonese MIL fashion, the well-intentioned but extremely poorly delivered (and completely unsolicited) "suggestions" only came across as cricitism at the most inopportune times, so it was poorly received, and only added to the depression issues. We've also had a friend who had been struggling with trying to conceive via IVF to the point where the IVF clinic was almost going to recommend against further attempts. It was painful to watch someone you care about close up and wither to a shadow of her former self...

In your case, how often do you / your wife maintain contact with her mother? From our own experience in dealing with the negativity of the MIL, it worked out better when we reduced the amount of time we interacted with each other. And when we did get together, I was always on alert to watch out for inappropriate comments from the MIL, and would step in to shut things down the moment something inappropriate is said. The MIL didn't like it, but I stuck to my guns and eventually she stopped doing it for a while.

It might be helpful if you can ensure the MIL isn't there (for now) to inflict any new injuries. But that alone is nowhere close to being enough since the bulk of the trauma is all pent up in your wife's psyche over the 40-year time span.

Is it possible for your wife to go on stress leave / short term disability from work? I think a person is entitled to collect EI (for stress leave) and STD benefits (for short term disability), so that should make the financial aspect a little easier to swallow. Not being required to work could also free her up and give her time to explore who she really is, or who she wants to be. But doing so will almost certainly require your wife to go through some sort of medical examination to establish the medical eligibilty to go on leave like that. (Would the physcholgist be able to certify her for that?)

Personally, I think including a rigourous exercise scheme is both useful and important to fighting mental health issues. There is a lot of clinical evidence to support the mental health benefits from exercising when someone is going through depression, but the challenge is maintaining the motivation to keep going at it.

Lastly, stress is well known to negatively impact a person's ability to conceive. So for your wife's sake, I think it would be helpful if you guys set aside your parental plans for now until she is able to sort out her identity traumas.

Good luck, and may God bless you two.