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Originally Posted by Traum
I am really sorry to hear about your wife's condition. I remember the days when le wifey was showing some signs of (mild?) postpartum depression, and that was stressful for us to deal with. To make things worse, in the typical Cantonese MIL fashion, the well-intentioned but extremely poorly delivered (and completely unsolicited) "suggestions" only came across as cricitism at the most inopportune times, so it was poorly received, and only added to the depression issues. We've also had a friend who had been struggling with trying to conceive via IVF to the point where the IVF clinic was almost going to recommend against further attempts. It was painful to watch someone you care about close up and wither to a shadow of her former self...
In your case, how often do you / your wife maintain contact with her mother? From our own experience in dealing with the negativity of the MIL, it worked out better when we reduced the amount of time we interacted with each other. And when we did get together, I was always on alert to watch out for inappropriate comments from the MIL, and would step in to shut things down the moment something inappropriate is said. The MIL didn't like it, but I stuck to my guns and eventually she stopped doing it for a while.
It might be helpful if you can ensure the MIL isn't there (for now) to inflict any new injuries. But that alone is nowhere close to being enough since the bulk of the trauma is all pent up in your wife's psyche over the 40-year time span.
Is it possible for your wife to go on stress leave / short term disability from work? I think a person is entitled to collect EI (for stress leave) and STD benefits (for short term disability), so that should make the financial aspect a little easier to swallow. Not being required to work could also free her up and give her time to explore who she really is, or who she wants to be. But doing so will almost certainly require your wife to go through some sort of medical examination to establish the medical eligibilty to go on leave like that. (Would the physcholgist be able to certify her for that?)
Personally, I think including a rigourous exercise scheme is both useful and important to fighting mental health issues. There is a lot of clinical evidence to support the mental health benefits from exercising when someone is going through depression, but the challenge is maintaining the motivation to keep going at it.
Lastly, stress is well known to negatively impact a person's ability to conceive. So for your wife's sake, I think it would be helpful if you guys set aside your parental plans for now until she is able to sort out her identity traumas.
Good luck, and may God bless you two.
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We've kept distance from MIL most of the times, but it's always the times when you do talk to her, nothing ever good comes out of it. When my wife purposely goes MIA to stay away, MIL will pound her with calls and messages asking if she is okay. Then my wife will need to talk to her because MIL always uses the manipulation like I'm going to faint, I can't sleep at night, I'm going to die, to get the attention. My wife always gives in because she doesn't really know if MIL is legit and wife has a kind heart to fall for this shit over and over again. The realization and resentment is crazy, I've never seen such a controlling psychopath. One of my ex's mom is a tiger mom, but even then she is not even to MIL extreme.
One time I called my MIL out and told her your kids are grown up ass adults, they gotta learn to take care of themselves, you can't baby them forever. She goes "well, they can figure out that out themselves when I die". Okay, now here we are, daughter figuring out her shit in life because MIL created this fucking ditch for her. When a kid never falls, they will never learn to get up and grow.
Time off work is probably something she isn't likely going to do because she enjoys being around people (extrovert), and not a stay at home/sit still type person. Right now she has some good friends she chats daily with, and also hang out often, so that keeps her sanity. We also go to church weekly, and she gets asked to help out here and then (she finds fulfilment in the validation/praise of others). Although church itself is one of those things where it can be good and bad at the same I personally feel. The people we hang with at church are all positive minded, so that helps keep her aligned on the positive mentality, but at the same time because of her trauma (she doesn't know if she enjoys helping out or doing it for the validation). Every week a struggle for her should I keep going or stop.
Thanks guys for the advice.