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whitev70r · 01-04-2025, 05:41 AM

I think your spouse is doing all the right thing for self care - counselling, friends, drawing boundaries, community involvement. And yes, there comes a time in which for your own well-being and sanity, you prob need to draw a very hard line/boundary.

Here is another angle from systems theory. Premise: we are all affected by other peoples behaviour towards us. What your wife is experiencing is the toxic overflow of your MIL (obvious). So far, all 'helpful' suggestions have been offered for your wife for self care or mental wellness. Is there anything you can do to stop this upstream? What is the issue with the MIL and is there any gentle ways that you (or any one else in the system of relationships, FIL, another sibling, uncle, aunt, etc.) that can help MIL deal with her stuff. Now she is not going to willingly want to go to therapy herself so you will have to be subtle and creative. If you watch Joy Luck Club, you know that our previous generation has had to deal with crap so MIL is reacting out of her trauma/upbringing. I have found that if you can bring a smidgeon of peace or wellness upstream, then it lessens the toxic downstream that a person spews out to those around him/her.

So think about what are MIL's fears, concerns, anxiety, trauma, feeling of being treated unfairly, etc. Don't be fooled by her immediate requests or demands of more time, more money, etc. Those are the 'iceberg' part above the waterline. Try to uncover the thing below the waterline and find creative & subtle ways to address those. This is only if you feel remotely inclined to or have energy to invest in helping MIL find her inner peace.

01-04-2025, 05:41 AM	#14
whitev70r Willing to sell body for a few minutes on RS Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: 604 Posts: 10,401 Thanked 6,249 Times in 3,009 Posts Failed 320 Times in 161 Posts	I think your spouse is doing all the right thing for self care - counselling, friends, drawing boundaries, community involvement. And yes, there comes a time in which for your own well-being and sanity, you prob need to draw a very hard line/boundary. Here is another angle from systems theory. Premise: we are all affected by other peoples behaviour towards us. What your wife is experiencing is the toxic overflow of your MIL (obvious). So far, all 'helpful' suggestions have been offered for your wife for self care or mental wellness. Is there anything you can do to stop this upstream? What is the issue with the MIL and is there any gentle ways that you (or any one else in the system of relationships, FIL, another sibling, uncle, aunt, etc.) that can help MIL deal with her stuff. Now she is not going to willingly want to go to therapy herself so you will have to be subtle and creative. If you watch Joy Luck Club, you know that our previous generation has had to deal with crap so MIL is reacting out of her trauma/upbringing. I have found that if you can bring a smidgeon of peace or wellness upstream, then it lessens the toxic downstream that a person spews out to those around him/her. So think about what are MIL's fears, concerns, anxiety, trauma, feeling of being treated unfairly, etc. Don't be fooled by her immediate requests or demands of more time, more money, etc. Those are the 'iceberg' part above the waterline. Try to uncover the thing below the waterline and find creative & subtle ways to address those. This is only if you feel remotely inclined to or have energy to invest in helping MIL find her inner peace.