^I appreciate it Traum, I do.
I'm a confident and outgoing guy, but as of late my self-esteem has been in the dumpster.
Both my uncle and aunt passed away 5 days apart from each other in November, she was with me at the funeral in Gibsons. In December, we had to finally put my mother into long-term care due to her late stage dementia, she's really only with us in the physical form, and not so much mentally anymore. She knows I've been in the dregs the last few months due to all of that, and with this breakup I feel like I'm losing 4 close loved ones all in quick succession. That's what messing me up the most, how did she feel so comfortable doing all this behind my back while I'm going through so much grief and pain?
For the last two months it's been "I want a man that will pay for all the bills", "my ex paid for this and this for his new girl, bought her a car, pays for all their vacations, bought them a house" (he's a drug dealer), "I want a more traditional Asian dynamic in my relationship, and you don't offer that", "it won't be hard to find a man that pays for everything."
Even a week before the big blow up, she'd be going out, coming home late, then telling me the next day how one of her Asian friend's boyfriend paid for everyone's dinner and drinks, a massive bill, and how "that's Asian culture".
I've always been generous with friends and happy to grab the bill, but I'm not going to go out every weekend and drop $2k on a bunch of ungrateful random chicks, it's simply not feasible. All this obsession with money has made me feel lesser than, and brought out some serious deep seated insecurities.
As a kid, I was raised by a single mother, we didn't have much. My HK buddies in school all had nice houses, and I used to wish I was Chinese when I was a kid, so we could be wealthy like them. They used to clown that we lived in a co-op, and I'd get my mom to drop me off up the street from school because our brown beater car embarrassed me.
As an adult I've done well for myself, and I've never had a woman make me feel so small. I find myself second guessing myself, "should I have bought her that $10,000 ring she wanted, "should I have agreed to pay all the bills and have a baby", all this stupid self destructive shit. I'm not going to lie, I even held by shotgun one night contemplating some seriously dark thoughts.
I'm slowly trying to get better now, once she's moved all her stuff out, I'm hoping that will help, and the new pup I'm rescuing will open a new muse to focus on.
I've probably been way too honest here, but alas a trauma dump for Traum
